When I step back from the context of pretty much any given situation in my life, I'm often appalled by what actually fell out of my mouth.
Here is a quick rundown from the past two weeks of things no one should ever have to say- except I said all of them:
1. Stop playing with your brother's buttcheeks.
2. Stop picking at it. What? Fine. If you pick at it, make sure you wash your hands before and afterwards.
3. Who peed on the wall again?
4. Who put their dirty socks on the coffee table again?
5. It's like sleeping next to a rutting hog who's running a chainsaw.
6. Well, at least it isn't measles!
7. She ripped up your Valentine and you are making her another one? Oh honey. Please don't.
8. Are you seriously crying because you're riding a pony?
9. Does anyone in this house know how to flush the toilet?
10. Brock, you cannot watch pirate porn with the babysitter.