Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Secret is Grandma and Papa...

Have you read The Secret?

I read it about six years ago. It was enlightening.

It's all about the power of your thoughts. You see, enlightened people know that your thoughts manifest themselves into your reality. Basically, if you think negative thoughts, your life experience will blow hairy donkey balls. But if you think POSITIVE thoughts, rainbows will shoot out of your ass and you will get a shiny new pony!

CONGRATULATIONS! You're now enlightened! Now go do the laundry and don't forget to scrub that pee smell out of the bathroom.

In all seriousness, this shiz really does work and I am here to prove it.

For example, I personally know a lot of sucky, negative people and their lives are super gloomy and blechy.

No. Thank you.

I also know a lot of super positive people and they seem really happy! And I find them slightly fucking annoying.

Wait, I lost my direction for a moment....

Oh yeah! I've been trying to do this positive thinking jazz and visualization stuff and guess what??? While rainbows are yet to shoot out of my ass (there's still time for that, Brock had the stomach flu only five days ago), we did get a SHINY NEW PONY! Thing 1 owes Grandma and Papa a LONG thank you note for this guy. And I owe them for my existence on this planet. THANKS MOM AND DAD! You're my favorite Mom and Dad, EVER! But seriously, they're getting one helluva thank you letter because what kid gets a PONY for his 7th birthday?*

*Answer: A lucky little turd.


Everyone, meet Clyde- the most adorable palomino pony in the history of ever!

Thing 2, Duke and I surprised Thing 1 at the bus stop with Clyde yesterday. Do you see the PURE JOY on my kids' faces?

What is wrong with my kids? They are both scowling.

In other great news, Duke and Clyde seemed to take to one another like peas and carrots. Clyde seems pretty flowy. It also probably helps that Duke is 146 years old and no longer gives a shit.

In addition to all the fabulosity, we thankfully found Blizzard (my sweet, blind pony) a home. He is now living on a large ranch in the mountains (seriously, it's basically paradise) with the actual, real-life Snow White (minus the dwarfs). We will get to visit him often and he will be well cared for and loved. But I hope she gets her shit together and gets some dwarfs before I visit.

AND, as if we needed MORE awesomeness, we found a bit of sweet pasture for our horses! The best part is that it is literally on the other side of my driveway. They love it so much that they lounge around in it like Hugh Hefner at a pool party. Or drunk hookers in Vegas. Or Courtney Love at a tattoo parlor. You pick. In fact, I saw Gus (the buckskin) laying down while eating grass earlier today. That is taking chillaxin' to a whole new level. In my horses' defense, they can't help their laziness. They are full brothers in blood who are descendants of the famous racehorse Seabiscuit, who was known for his love of sleeping and eating. No shit.

To top it off, I visualized myself drinking a beer and writing tonight and I'll be damned if it didn't manifest into my reality!

The Secret is real, people. IT'S REAL.

Now, if you'll excuse me I need to go draw a picture of myself cashing a check for ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Peace, Love and OMG PONIES!!!!

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