Tuesday, April 8, 2014

10 Signs of PMS

I'm not speaking from experience. Okay, yes I am.

1. There is not enough coffee to fix you.

2. You fantasize about attacking a hypothetical intruder. Until the death.

3. The volume of the cat cleaning himself seems to have gone up to 11 and it is quickly unraveling you. The fact that everyone in your home is hovering within the perimeter of your personal space bubble finishes you off.

4. You cry when you brush the little blind pony and profess your unending love to him.

5. You find the Internet simultaneously intriguing, disgusting, boring and infuriating (this is also true when you aren't PMSing), yet you can't quit it.

6. While browsing Pinterest, you see a pretty picture of a white house with a porch. Some twat commented below it, "In the South, we love porches. It's a Southern tradition." You read the comment, become inflamed and want to reply, "PORCHES AREN'T ONLY FOR SOUTHERNERS, ASSHOLE."- but you don't- then you feel angry because you don't have a the porch you always wanted, ao you turn on the TV to distract yourself with a backlogged DVR of The Voice. Because... Adam Levine. Then you hate yourself a little, because Shakira.

7. If anyone smacks their lips near your ear again, you fear you may throw the refrigerator through the window, then you notice how filthy the windows are and crab at your husband for never helping out with the housework. Then you call the county and get the number to the foreman who has been digging up the motherfucking dirt for the last two months directly across the street from your motherfucking house and tell your husband to call and talk to them because "You can't be trusted."

8. You look like your diet has consisted primarily of marshmallows and beer for the past 10 years. All of your pants mysteriously shrank (shrunk?) in the dryer.

9. Surprise! Your face now has pimples AND wrinkles! Because fuck you and your $500 of facial products!

10. You ate the two year old candy canes that you found on your pantry cleaning tirade, along with every almost empty box of cereal that was "almost, but not quite, a bowl".

11. Everyone is an idiot.

12. You've lost your ability to count and you don't even care.


  1. #11. NUMBER EFFING' ELEVEN!!!!!! (Can you tell what is coming for me in a few days??)

    1. So much yes. All of this. Yes. And also sadly yes



  2. Exactly. Every danged one (well, maybe not #4 exactly, but something similar). Plus my #13- Can't even use wine to self-medicate because for the duration of the week it gives me vicious headaches.