Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Corn Fed Girl's Common Sense Guide to Life

Sometimes life gets tricky. Shit doesn't go our way. People are assholes. Work sucks. The kids are sick. We are out of shape. We feel alone, or maybe smothered- or both at the same time. We fail. Money is tight. The cat smells like raw sewage. Our favorite underwear snagged in the wash. Someone puked on our rug.

It happens to everyone. (me)

When things get topsy-turvy, I look to one resource for help. This is a resource that I often forget about because I have my head too far up drama's ass, yet nonetheless, it is always there.

Hello, Common Sense. Where have you been?

Survival Skills for the Real World

*You Can't Find the Time...
Turn off the television.

*You Feel Victimized
Stop it. Stop it right now. Get a weapon. Take a self-defense class. Lift weights. Read The Hunger Games.

*You Feel Worthless
Do something you are good at and think of all the people who suck at it. You win.

*You Hate Your Job
Think about what you would rather be doing for work, then go do it.

*You're Single and Aren't Having Sex
Ask someone if they want to have sex with you.

*You're Married and Aren't Having Sex
Go to bed naked.

*You Have a Personality Disorder or an Addiction
Admit you have a problem and get counseling.

*You Think Everyone Around You is An Asshole
Most likely, you're the asshole. 

*Your Children Don't Listen
Be very still, stare straight ahead and whisper. It will freak their shit out and they. will. listen.

*You Feel Bad About Yourself
Watch reality TV and recognize that there are far worse train wrecks out there.

*Your Friends and Family Make You Feel Like Crap
If they are all saying the same thing, you probably need to hear it.
If they are being jerks, tell them. 
If they don't stop, make new friends and tell them all about your crazy family.

*You Feel Alone
Know that you are NEVER alone. There are people, organizations, groups and many places for you to find solace. Put yourself out there. Join a book club. Go to church. Get a pet. Volunteer at a local charity. You are surrounded by people who may have experienced the exact same thing that is haunting you. Open your mind and your heart. You'll be surprised at what you discover. People are generally good. Look for the love in the world around you. It is truly everywhere.

*You're Bored
Read a book. Better yet, write a book. Better even, edit MY book.

*You're a Liar
Stop lying. We know you're lying.

*You're an Introvert
Stop thinking it is everyone's job to accommodate you. The only ones reading and sharing those comics about "How to talk to an Introvert" are other introverts. The rest of the world thinks it's bullshit that you come with your own social interaction rules that they are supposed to memorize and implement. 

*You're an Extrovert
If you are home alone too often and feel a part of your soul dying, pick up the phone or hop on one of your 45 social media accounts and plan an outing. You can also act out a three act play with your dog or work on your karaoke skills. Read a comic about how to talk to an introvert and try implementing a new technique.

*You're Highly Sensitive
There's a fine line between highly sensitive and high-maintenance. Recognize it. Find a coping mechanism- like humor. Or yoga. Or booze. Whatever. You live in reality. Other humans live here too and they will most likely make you feel like ass at some point, just as you have done to others. It's part of life. You're fine. Not everything is a personal attack.

*You're Highly Insensitive
Recognize that there are people in the world who possess things called feelings and try not to hurt them. Also, don't be an asshole. When in doubt, stop talking.

*You're Straight
Congratulations. If you choose to breed, this is the easiest way. Also, please keep the PDA to a minimum. Unless they are paying for Skinemax, no one wants to see that shit.

*You're Gay
Congratulations. You are now officially more interesting. Also, please keep the PDA to a minimum. Unless they are paying for Skinemax, no one wants to see that shit.

*You're Dark-Skinned
You never have to get a spray tan to look decent in your summer wardrobe. Don't forget to moisturize.

*You're Fair-Skinned
You have to get a spray tan to look decent in your summer wardrobe. Don't forget to moisturize.

*You're Religious
Good for you! Everyone has the right to those kinds of personal choices. Keep in mind that rule extends beyond you.

*You're Atheist
Good for you! Everyone has the right to those kinds of personal choices. Keep in mind that rule extends beyond you.

*You Have Writer's Block
Stop telling everyone that you have writer's block, asshole. Just sit down and write.

*You Feel Fat
Eat less, make better food choices and exercise more.

*Your Cat Stinks
Sorry about that.

*Your Refrigerator Needs To Be Cleaned
Sell your house.

In short, we are the ones complicating our own lives. So buck up, stop pointing fingers and put the blame on those who actually deserve it, like those damned evil clowns... and the squirrels.

Life is short. Live well and surround yourself with love, gratitude and tolerance. If you do that, happiness will find you.

Peace, Love and Unicorns,


  1. I could NOT love this any harder if I tried. This is fucking AWESOME!!

    1. Thank you! I'm feeling overwhelming asshole-y lately. This is a direct result. :)

  2. I'll help edit your book :) I've been thinking about writing with a similar title to this post, but mine are more pointed. "Don't bitch about dust, when you live on a gravel road." type-wisdoms!

    1. Then you should write it!
      Mine should have been "sell your black truck when you bought a house of a gravel road". :)

  3. Hells to the yeah!! Awesome list!@

    1. Thank you! Sometimes good things come from insomnia.

  4. This is some of the best advice ever. Well done!