Thursday, January 23, 2014

WTF? Getting Old is Stoopid.

I've been feeling a little (read: A LOT) sensitive about my aging skin ever since I was accused of being my OLDER sister's MOTHER last month.

It happened in Vegas, where all evil things happen.

Lately I have spent way more time than I care to admit staring at my wrinkles in the mirror, then making the WTF? face in horror at my reflection.

This face causes more wrinkles, which in turn causes more WTF? face.

If you are not familiar with my WTF? face, it looks like this:

If you have met me in person, you are most likely familiar with this face. In hindsight, the fact I wear this expression more than any other is perhaps the cause of my wrinkle problem.


There's probably no changing my personality at this point, so I attempted to make some other alterations to distract from my horrible premature aging problem. In desperation, I tried a variety of methods.

Move Along, There are No Wrinkles to See Here Method One: 
I used the shy, awkward, 13 year old girl OMG-please don't look at me technique. I think it worked pretty well, but proved problemy when confronted with everyday tasks. Like driving. Or seeing. Or cooking bacon.

LOOK AWAY FROM MY WRINKLES Distraction Method Two: 
I used props. Large, flashy props. It turns out I'm not a Hipster.

Don't Go Towards the Light, or Maybe Do... Method Three:
I brilliantly combined white light with motion, creating a continual white blur. I thought this renegade move would be my winner, but I quickly tired from the constant movement and my eyes were watering profusely from staring into the sun. Plus, people were mistaking me for a ghastly image from a not-quite earthly place.

Perky Eyes Wrinkle Distraction Method Four:
There is no way that I would go under the knife to get a face lift, so I opted for walking around mimicking a perpetually surprised person instead. Now I know exactly how huge my eyeballs are, but I don't think the desired effect was achieved.

Fade and Blur Method Five:
I used the blemish correction feature on my phone to fix my face. It looks like someone put bacon grease on the camera lens before they snapped the picture. I don't know. Maybe I used it wrong. Or maybe there is bacon grease on my camera.

Then I waited for a genie to come and grant me three wishes, but that didn't happen.
Then I bitched about it to my friends, and still, no change.
Then finally, I tried something different.

Microdermabrasion is the bomb, especially in the harsh winter weather. I went to my local Ulta because they were running a deal. In fact, they still are:

Buy Expensive Products Online:
I use Living Social for discounts and magically one for something called "face lift cream" popped up in my email. Naturally, I was working so I waited.... haahaha! No. I stopped what I was doing and immediately purchased it. It was normally $150, on sale for $25. I got an extra special deal for super cool people of $22, then paid $5.99 for shipping. I'm not great at math but that seems exactly like a shit ton of savings. The face cream and serum (that I also purchased because... duh) arrived in the mail a few days later. That is when I first read the ingredients. (Turns out I'm not so great at research BEFORE I buy something.)

It said '70% organic'.
Cool. I like organic stuffs.
Then it started the listing with 'bioactive snail serum'.

Again, my face contorted into WTF?

Then this happened on Facebook, which made me realize once again how much I love my people:

I would like to welcome all my new followers and confess to you that I just bought face cream containing bioactive snail serum. I'm both intrigued and frightened by not only this ingredient, but also the fact that I paid $28 to rub snail serum on my face. I thought you all should know... Welcome and good day.
Like ·  · 

Snail semen, er... serum or not, I was curious as to why this product sells for $150 at regular price. So when a commercial break happened during our weekly viewing of The Bachelor Masterpiece Theatre, I left the room to try my snail trail product. I applied the serum and cream to my face, then walked back in two minutes later. Brock looked at me, raised his eyebrows into a mild WTF? and said, "I seriously see a difference."

The crazy part is that so did I.

I honestly do not care about what is in this stuff. It may contain unicorn tears and fairy dust. It truly does not matter because THIS SHIT IS WORKING. Thank God for snail serum, whatever the fuck that is.

For the record, I really don't want to know.

I am not being paid to endorse this product,
 but I will gladly accept cash, Hugh Jackman and/or product donations.

The miracle product is called Michael Todd True Organics Knu- new you anti-aging facelift cream and serum. Click here for the website.


  1. That was hysterical and most informative. I'm glad to know that Rach is back to whacking off snails again. She took a lot of time off focusing on newts I heard. Loved this so much and now to look for the snail shizz.

    1. Rach and those mollusks. Isn't a snail a mollusk? Crap. Now I'm going to have to look it up.

  2. I was laughing out loud at all of the different pictures and tactics for looking younger. My favorite part? "Problemy." Great word!

    1. Thank you. It's nice to know that my face made you laugh. I wish I could take the credit for "problemy", but that is courtesy of the Great Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess). However, I did make up the word Awesomesausage, so feel free to use that as it applies to your life. I also made up Buttholific, just now. I wonder if it will catch on.

  3. Must. Get. Snail. Semen. or Serum. Both??
    Will be checking out website IMMEDIATELY.

  4. Ahhhhh me, too! The tripping on aging part, not the semen on my face part. But desperate times call for expensive and potentially embarrassing measures yes?