It happened in Vegas, where all evil things happen.
Lately I have spent way more time than I care to admit staring at my wrinkles in the mirror, then making the WTF? face in horror at my reflection.
This face causes more wrinkles, which in turn causes more WTF? face.
If you are not familiar with my WTF? face, it looks like this:
If you have met me in person, you are most likely familiar with this face. In hindsight, the fact I wear this expression more than any other is perhaps the cause of my wrinkle problem.
There's probably no changing my personality at this point, so I attempted to make some other alterations to distract from my horrible premature aging problem. In desperation, I tried a variety of methods.
Move Along, There are No Wrinkles to See Here Method One:
I used the shy, awkward, 13 year old girl OMG-please don't look at me technique. I think it worked pretty well, but proved problemy when confronted with everyday tasks. Like driving. Or seeing. Or cooking bacon.
LOOK AWAY FROM MY WRINKLES Distraction Method Two:
I used props. Large, flashy props. It turns out I'm not a Hipster.
Don't Go Towards the Light, or Maybe Do... Method Three:
I brilliantly combined white light with motion, creating a continual white blur. I thought this renegade move would be my winner, but I quickly tired from the constant movement and my eyes were watering profusely from staring into the sun. Plus, people were mistaking me for a ghastly image from a not-quite earthly place.
Perky Eyes Wrinkle Distraction Method Four:
There is no way that I would go under the knife to get a face lift, so I opted for walking around mimicking a perpetually surprised person instead. Now I know exactly how huge my eyeballs are, but I don't think the desired effect was achieved.
Fade and Blur Method Five:
I used the blemish correction feature on my phone to fix my face. It looks like someone put bacon grease on the camera lens before they snapped the picture. I don't know. Maybe I used it wrong. Or maybe there is bacon grease on my camera.
Then I waited for a genie to come and grant me three wishes, but that didn't happen.
Then I bitched about it to my friends, and still, no change.
Then finally, I tried something different.
Microdermabrasion is the bomb, especially in the harsh winter weather. I went to my local Ulta because they were running a deal. In fact, they still are:
Buy Expensive Products Online:
I use Living Social for discounts and magically one for something called "face lift cream" popped up in my email. Naturally, I was working so I waited.... haahaha! No. I stopped what I was doing and immediately purchased it. It was normally $150, on sale for $25. I got an extra special deal for super cool people of $22, then paid $5.99 for shipping. I'm not great at math but that seems exactly like a shit ton of savings. The face cream and serum (that I also purchased because... duh) arrived in the mail a few days later. That is when I first read the ingredients. (Turns out I'm not so great at research BEFORE I buy something.)
It said '70% organic'.
Cool. I like organic stuffs.
Then it started the listing with 'bioactive snail serum'.
Again, my face contorted into WTF?
Then this happened on Facebook, which made me realize once again how much I love my people: