Friday, January 17, 2014

TMI Fridays: RachRiot

How do I sum up Rachael Pavlik of RachRiot? There are not enough words in the English language to describe the way she makes me feel. RachRiot makes me want to run through a meadow high in the Swiss Alps, leaping through the air while singing classic Bon Jovi songs. RachRiot reminds me of how much I like to laugh, because she provides me with laughter on a daily basis. RachRiot makes me feel pretty... and witty... and maybe a little bit gay. And RachRiot is a problem solver. For instance, whenever I feel like my parenting has slipped, I read RachRiot and my world is right again. Exhibit A of her problem solving skills:
RachRiot: Rach Rules: When the highlight of your day is that your son threw up IN the toilet the second time, (yay!) you have the right to open the wine a full hour early.

She is like Irreverent Internet Sunshine blown straight up your ass... like a sunshine enema, if you will.... and I love her so very much. Everything from her 'White Trash Wednesday" posts to statuses about "The Saggath" are comedic gold.
I know here at RachRiot we solemnly honor THE SAGGETH every Sunday, we free-boob it all day long. I love that you sag right along with me. In sagidarity, if you will. But tonight is kinda special.. I thought I might glam it up- put *my* golden globes in a bra for the Golden Globes.
I'll drape myself in a plunging black tee shirt from Target and a stunning macaroni necklace from Kraft.

It's a little known fact that every time someone reads RachRiot, a homeless kitten finds shelter, food and a warm bed. Someone should type that into Wikipedia.

In the best selling anthology, I Just Want to Pee Alone, the fabulous Rachael wrote the side-splitting "My Awkward Period." The title says it all. I am honored to share pages with this talented lady and her period. That's the truth.

RachRiot: Lovely. Around here, it's indicated by me waving around a knife and a roll of cookie dough.
In some parts of India, a woman indicates that she is menstruating by wearing a handkerchief around her neck stained with her menstrual blood.
And on top of all this talent, RachRiot is really pretty. Look at her. Just look.

RachRiot- isn't she lovely?

I have a confession. Being a published author is awesome; it feels like the ultimate accomplishment for a writer. Yet, hands down, my favorite part of getting to participate in  I Just Want to Pee Alone has been meeting my co-authors. Some of us have met in 'real-life' while others of us only know each other in a top-secret members-only online group. You guys, these women are all amazing writers and damn fine human beings. I'm blessed. Fo shizzle. So thanks to Jen for putting the book together and changing my life... and shit like that.

Okay! Let's get this party started. I'm CFG (CornFedGirl- in case you are drunk) and Rach is RR (RachRiot- in case you have the attention span of an inbred kitten).

CFG: You are one of my favorite people to follow on facebook because you are so damn funny. Why did you turn out this way? 
RR: Aww! Thank you so much, JoJo. Why did I turn out funny?? As a young child I was bitten by a radioactive Betty White. I don't really like to talk about it.

CFG: Have you always been a writer/entertainer?
RR: I think so, but the nuns at my Catholic grade school categorized me more as a slacker/evildoer.

CFG: Who are your comedic inspirations?
RR: Oh, gosh.. everyone inspires me. I love Ellen DeGeneres, David Sedaris' writing, Jimmy Fallon's goofy spirit. I love Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, like, a ridiculous, stalkery amount. Nora Ephron, Jon Stuart, Chris Rock, Erma Bombeck, Wanda Sykes, Amy Schumer is a naughty little monkey.. love her. 

CFG: *Googles Amy Schumer...*

CFG: What is the most ridiculous thing that ever happened to you?
RR: Have we met? Ridiculous things happen to me every damn day. I think the most well-known thing was when a random dude tried to sniff my ass in a bookstore. Yeah. That.

CFG: What is the best place to buy women's undergarments?
RR: In a bookstore over in the self-help section. Oh- you said BUY. Sorry.. Um, I'm kinda partial to Nordstrom's. Gerta over in Shapewear really knows how to swaddle the girls with lift and support. She's a genius.

CFG: What is your secret addiction?
RR: It's not really a secret but, all the Housewives shows on Bravo. Gawd, so much shame. I even watched the D.C one. Nobody watched that shite. It's beyond my control. *hangs head* 

CFG: What actress would play you in a movie about your life? Who would play the supporting roles and why?
RR: Charlize Theron! Duh! Isn't it obvious?? We're practically twins.. all supporting roles would be played by ugly girls so as not to take away from my sexy awesomeness. And incredible humility.

CFG: If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
RR: Cougar. Lord.. Next question.

CFG: Name one thing/person/whatever (in each category) that you wouldn't want to live without:
Food-  Crab
Item of clothing-  At the moment, these fleece pants. Feel them, seriously.
Book- Oooh that's a toughie. To Kill A Mockingbird
TV Show- I haven't been watching much! Modern Family and the aforementioned Real Housewives shitshow.
Beauty Item- My Shu Uemera eyelash curler and any good mascara. Otherwise, my eyes look like pinholes.
CFG: Word.
Household Item- is my iPhone a household item? I get the shakes if I can't find my phone. Seriously. WAIT WHERE IS MY PHO.. oh there is is.
Person- My Current Legal Spouse. The man is a saint. Truly.
Band- God, this is hard! Like, group of people?? My Morning Jacket, U2, PearlJam, Justin Timberlake. Yeah, he's one guy-whatevs.
Facebook page- Confessions Of A Corn Fed Girl  (is this a trick question??) 

RachRiot, booze and Insane in the Mom-Brain.

CFG: If you could be anything in the world (no age, talent or location limitations), what would you be and why?
RR: Probably my dog, Mudge. That motherfucker has it good. Look at him over there, just licking his non-existant balls... 

CFG: Who/what scares you?
RR: Roaches. People don't scare me. I scare them.

CFG: Marry, Fuck or Kill (Brock picked your selections): 
RR: And Brock didn't include himself?! Uugh! 

CFG: I know. I'm disappointed in him as well.
Steven Seagal- Kill. No question. And then make a decorative neckerchief out of his stupid pony tail.
Chuck Norris- Fuck. And then write a song about how I fucked Chuck Norris. Booyah! (Wait, what rhymes with Norris? This will take some time..) 
Willy Nelson- Marry. All day long. We will smoke a fatty and he can help me write the song about fucking Chuck Norris.

CFG: Should I cut bangs? 
RR: You are a very sassy lady so I say yes. You can pull it off. Would you like to borrow Steven Seagal's severed pony tail to test out the look?

CFG: I would like that very much. Did you know that Steven Seagal's Ponytail has its own facebook page? Well, now you do.

CFG: What was your favorite essay in I Just Want to Pee Alone and why?

CFG: Yes. We have. Don't you remember THIS?

Rachael Pavlik is a mother, writer and a Pilates avoider. Not necessarily in that order. Originally from Louisiana, she cooks an etouffee that would make you smack ya mama. Author of the outrageously popular blog, RachRiot, she is also a co-author of the best-selling anthology, I Just Want To Pee Alone. She regularly contributes to Houston Family Magazine as well as Aiming Low. She lives in Houston, Texas with her Current Legal Spouse and two above-average children. Subscribe to her blog, like her Facebook page, and follow her on Twitter. She begs of you.


  1. Replies
    1. I know that I speak for both of us when I say the feeling is mutual. xxoo

  2. Thank you so much JoJo Kok, that was fun! I can't wait to talk ponies, share wine and cheese curds with you again SOON! Kisses and ass grabs, Rach

  3. Oh, I love you all so HARD!! I can't believe I'm just one of the one's you haven't met and hangs out on our top-secret FB page.

  4. Two of my favorites together on one page.

  5. 1. DON'T CUT BANGS!! (says the girl who has done it like three times after the first time she did it and hated them because they made her look like a second grader but kept thinking she'd look like Jennifer Garner (on a good day)).

    2. Where can I buy a Shu Uemera eyelash curler? (asks the girl whose eyelashes suddenly are as tiny and thin as an Olsen twin).

    3. How many times do I have to apologize about that whole thing in the bookstore?

    Love Love Love you both!

    1. Okay! No bangs! Got it.
      P.S. We love you, too.

  6. My husband refers to My Morning Jacket as My Morning Jackoff - he doesn't like them but I do. And Rach, I did think you were a slacker, attention whore in high school, but now I appreciate your comedic talents - seriously!

    1. Thanks, Mecom. And thanks for always letting me copy off of your paper. Just kidding- you never let me.. ;)