Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Banana Hoarder

I have a secret. It lives in my freezer.

When my secret filled up an entire drawer and started to infiltrate the vegetable shelf, I knew it was getting serious. Something had to be done. It was time to face myself in the mirror and admit that I had a problem.

My name is Johi and I hoard frozen bananas.

This is my freezer. I should be embarrassed.
My intentions are good. I hate wasting things, particularly food. I have mentioned before that bananas are absofrigginlutely disgusting when they get brown, but the fermented sugary goo is wonderful for baking. I have used them in cookies, health food cookie replacements, Thing 2's "granana bars", and I have THE BEST banana bread recipe. The best. I'm dead fucking serious.

I see the brown phallus rotting in the fruit basket and I tell myself, "No sane person is going to eat this shit, but banana bread would be wonderful! I should make some today. Well... maybe not today, but tomorrow. Wait... tomorrow is crazy; I'll make some this week....ummm.... or maybe this weekend..." Then I consistently solve my decaying banana dilemma with, " I'll just throw them into the freezer until I have time."

TIME. Hahahahahahaha!

When I opened my freezer yesterday to get my child a Popsicle, a bunch of frozen bananas fell on my foot. I yelped in pain and peered into the depths of my frozen food compartment. There were bananas EVERYWHERE. They were breeding in there like bunnies. Or wire hangers.

Crap. "Cleaning out freezer" was not on my list of things to do.

So I grabbed six bananas (leaving 145 of their kin in the freezer) and threw them into the sink to thaw.

Five hours later, the Things and I whipped up two loaves of gluten free Best Ever Banana Bread.

12 hours later, most of the banana bread was gone.

Wait for it.... wait for it.....

It is so moistDoesn't that word make you HUNGRY?

Sorry! Here is a picture of Smelly Cat sleeping to make up for that word.

Wait. This is probably worse than the word 'moist'.
My animals are disgusting. But wook at the paw! So precious!

But it is really good. I promise! So if you too hoard bananas in your freezer, allow me to enable you. Get out those rock-hard nanners, throw them in the sink (or a bowl) to thaw and plan on donning your apron later, because your frozen banana problem is about to gain you the affection of your family. This is a recipe I found in a small town Iowa Catholic school cookbook that I modified to make a tiny bit healthier and gluten free. Those Catholic Iowa women don't mess around with food. They never fail me.
Here is a picture and the recipe:

A delightful slice of my Best Ever (Gluten-Free) Banana Bread.
This variety is filled with dark chocolate chips, because.... reasons.

Johi's Best Ever (Gluten-Free) Banana Bread
1/2 cup softened butter
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup granulated sugar
4-6 over ripe disgusting bananas- mashed
4 eggs
2 teaspoons lemon juice
2 teaspoons vanilla extract (Get the real stuff. It is worth it.)
3 1/2 cups gluten free flour
1 1/2 teaspoons xanthan gum
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 cup sour cream (can substitute plain Greek yogurt)

chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, walnuts or blueberries

Make everyone wash their hands, grab a step stool for your shorts ones, talk with a French accent and put on your aprons!

Preheat oven to 350. Cream butter, applesauce and sugar. Mix in eggs, vanilla and lemon juice. Stir in bananas. Sift together dry ingredients. Stir together with banana mixture. Fold in sour cream and add chocolate chips (or whatever enhancement you choose). Pour into two greased bread pans and bake at for 60-75 minutes, or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean.

Eat for every meal until it is gone! Feel better about your banana hoarding illness!
(You can easily make this gluten free by eliminating the xanthan gum and using regular flour. Before I was gluten free, I liked to use half whole wheat and half all-purpose flour.)

Peace, Love and Banana-Ramma,


  1. I checked all three reaction boxes above because they all apply (and btw - how did you make those?? Hold on, if there's code involved, forget I asked). I'm going to buy yellow bananas today so they can turn brown and I can try this recipe later in the week. Suck it, Betty Crocker recipe I've been using for 20 years, this one HAS SOUR CREAM! We're not gluten free but I might just make it that way to mess with everyone in my family. What the hell is Xanthan gum and where do you buy it?

    1. I made those boxes three years ago, so what I am saying is that I have no idea. It was a template for sure. Me no do coding.
      Xanthan gum is the "glue" in gluten replacement. I bought mine at Sprouts (a local food store) for approximately $200. No, it was more like $12, but still. It does seem to last a long time though.

  2. Smoothies are also a great way to get rid of them! Mix them with some better looking frozen fruit and you won't even know they are there. I've been on a Smoothie kick lately.

    1. Ohh! Good idea! You're so smart; which is only one of the many reasons why Brock and I wanted to adopt you.

  3. OMG i feel so much better knowing i'm not the only banana hoarder. i freeze them when they start to get brown and use to make "healthy" ice cream (just blend with vanilla, milk or dairy-free milk, honey, and a little ice... adding peanut butter is good, too) but i've noticed them piling up in there. i'll have to try your banana bread soon--i think i've got about a dozen nanners in there right now!