Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Shooting Into 2014!

My girlfriend Sarah called me today. It was for a confession. I knew it was coming before she even confessed to a confession. The cadence of her voice was hesitant in that special guilty way.

"Spill it," I said.

She started with, "I hired a new babysitter. She's young; only 12 years old."

I said, "That sounds like a reasonable age."

She continued, "I felt like I needed to talk to her mother, because I had never met her... and because I needed to tell her about something."

I asked, "What did you need to tell her?"

Like a leaky pipe that finally burst, Sarah let it out, "Well, ever since New Year's, I keep finding penis confetti in my house. It won't go away! I just keeps reappearing. It's everywhere! I felt like I needed to inform the babysitter's mom prior to her coming into my house. It was the most awkward phone conversation ever."

I said nothing because I was too busy silently laugh-crying on the other end of the phone.

Sarah is one of those crafty-Pinterest moms who engages in all sort of amazing crafty-fun things with her crafty-cool children. A few years ago, she forced me do a craftastic project one afternoon. I will never forget that feeling of wanting to stab out my own eyeballs with a shrimp fork for two solid hours. I am not a crafter, but she loves crafting and is amazing at it. She displays her handiwork all over her house and gives it away to her friends and loved-ones as beautiful, thoughtful gifts. At the end of "Sarah-makes-Johi-Craft" day, Sarah had a wonderful hand-painted shirt for her child and her intact pride. All I was left with was a migraine, tense feelings of failure and a t-shirt that the dog wouldn't even wear (primarily because the paint soaked through and I glued to front to the back).

Knowing that my friend was craftastic, I was not surprised when she told me that she throws annual New Year's parties for her husband and children, complete with confetti filled balloons. Kids and balloons... you know? So for a 5 year old boy and a 6 year old girl, the highlight of the annual New Year's Eve party is those homemade confetti-filled balloons.

I don't even know if I told my kids that it was New Year's Eve.

Because she set high standards for herself as a parent, Sarah was getting pressure from her children to throw another hum-dinger of a party, complete with confetti-filled balloons. This year, in an effort to save... well, the EFFORT of using a hole punch for three hours to produce an adequate amount of confetti to fill countless balloons, my thrifty friend remembered some leftover confetti from her sister's bachelorette party. She found the box of unused wedding accouterments, grabbed a few glittering members from the bag of sparkly party fun and showed them to her children. She tentatively asked, "What are these?"

Her 5 year old piped up, "Bones! No.... they're ARROWS!"

"Right!" exclaimed Sarah. "They ARE arrows!" She thought about re-purposing more of the "arrows" from the box of leftover bachelorette party paraphernalia and added,  "And this year our New Year's Eve party will be ARROW THEMED! We'll call it 'Shooting into 2014!'"

These are obviously ARROWS. Obviously.

So she shoved a bunch of penis arrow shaped confetti into condom sheath (is that any better?) shaped balloons, handed out matching "arrow" suckers and shot straight into 2014, otherwise known as "The Year of the Lies and Porn".

The party was a success, and the only disapproving soul was her husband, who seemed to be on board until it was time to eat the suckers. But the children were so excited to watch daddy eat his sucker! There were only three of them in the leftover box and the kids voted that DAD get the last one. LUCKY DAD!

As a reaction to his dirty look, Sarah said, "You had just better be glad that I didn't get out the arrow ring toss."

The evening was a success and no one was the wiser, until she realized two things.

1. That pork and beans confetti is the gift the keeps on giving. It has been showing up everywhere around her house. She removes every piece she found, yet it magically reproduces... like bunnies, or wire hangers... or those bananas in my freezer.

2. Her daughter loves those bright pink, purple and silver arrows so much that she has a special stash of them which she keeps in a secret place. "Probably tucked in with her American Girl doll," my friend concluded.

When Sarah continued to spot them in random places around the house, she knew that she had to do the responsible thing. It was going to be difficult.... She had to call her new 12 year old babysitter's mom and tell her about the cock confetti.

Sarah dialed the phone and nervously waited for the mom to pick up. She immediately introduced herself and went straight into her confession, "Sooo there is something I should probably tell you. This is going to sound weird, but since your daughter is coming over here, I think you should know this. We threw an 'arrow themed' party for New Year's.... and used penis confetti." **long pause as the other end of the line was silent** She attempted to rectify this meet and greet with, "My kids didn't know what they were!"


There was nothing but more silence from the babysitter's mom.

Then she cracked up. Hard.
Between laughs she said, "Oh my God, that's hilarious. I think you win the mother of the year award!" She continued, "That sounds like some shenanigans that would go on over here."

In retelling the story to me, Sarah confided, "But I don't believe her. This shit never happens to anyone else."

"Probably not," I agreed.

In the meantime, you can find Sarah with her vacuum,  furiously trying to rid her home of tiny, shiny, foil phallus... I mean arrows.


  1. Only Sarah! Lol This cracked me up something fierce

    1. I had tears rolling down my cheeks when she told me this.

  2. Only Sarah! Lol This cracked me up something fierce

  3. Replies
    1. Sarah often makes my sides hurt. It's one of her many many gifts.

  4. You know, this brings all new meaning to the phrase "Glitter is the herpes of the crafting world"

  5. Replies
    1. That's only a tiny sampling of the humor and joy that Sarah brings to my life.