Wednesday, January 29, 2014

5 Steps, 5 Pounds, 5 Days!

I accomplished something pretty phenomenal this week and I wanted to share my technique with you, my fine readers.

I'm a giver. What can I say?



Let's get right to it. Here's my fool-proof program for Five Steps, Five Pounds, Five Days:

1. Stress Level

To guarantee results, you must assess your stress level. Is it at an all-time high? Take a look at your work environment. Is it facilitating the results that you require for your job? What about the noise level around you- can you hear yourself think? How are you coming with those deadlines?

In order for your body to function properly, you need to manage your stress.
I typically do this by setting aside blocks of time for work, getting plenty of sleep, walking in nature and allowing myself time to unwind.

Typically.

This week, I am barely surviving under the crushing weight of not one, but four deadlines. A winter snow brought single digit temperatures, trapping me in the house with my rugrats. The noise level has been OFF THE CHARTS: nonstop noise at every waking hour. It's sort of like sticking your finger in a light socket repeatedly throughout the day. It's so soothing that my eye twitch has returned. I fear it is permanent.

2. Diet

Food is the ultimate drug. Healthy choices lead to healthy people! Stupid choices lead to... what was I saying? In the past week I have been carbo-loading like I am preparing for the big race race. Cereal? Check. Pasta? Check. Potatoes? Check. Bread? Hells yes. Oatmeal? Yep-In all forms, particularly the one that looks like a cookie. Wine? Youbetcha! Corn chips? Every day, at least twice a day!

Which leads me to...

3. Exercise

Now that you are carbed up, it's time to think about burning all that energy you stored. The options are unlimited. You could certainly jog, bike, do yoga or lift weights. Perhaps you could walk or go to the gym. Do you remember when you ordered all those Pilates DVD's from that late-night infomercial? Stick one of those puppies in the DVD player and get to it!

In the past week, I chose a different form of weight lifting, I repeated lifted two small black objects to eye level. On was my phone and the other was the TV remote. There's probably something fascinating on facebook or a marathon of House Hunters that deserves your time and undivided attention. Get to it!

4. PMS

Every woman knows that her special time of the month can bring fatigue, bloating, irritation, discomfort and water retention. Add that to a strict carbohydrate-laden diet and strong cravings for "salty-crunchy" and you have a recipe for a snug waistband, friendly thighs and chubby fingers. Congratulations! You are now a Cabbage Patch Doll.

5. Seasonal Illness

Forget taking vitamins and immune boasting drinks, just go ahead a have your sick child cough into your mouth. To easily facilitate this, simply get down at their level, open your mouth and say "OOOOOOOPPPPPPPPRAAAAAAHHHHH". Just like that, their viral-infused bodily fluid will now be yours, too!


So in conclusion, you too can add five pounds in the short time of five days by a simple combination of these five steps: illness, high stress, poor diet, little to no exercise and PMS! It's that simple! I did it, and SO CAN YOU!

If you need any extra assistance, I can loan you my kids- complete with snotty noses and Volume 11 noise level.

Best of luck!

Peace, Love and Unicorns,
Johi

1 comment:

  1. Welcome to my world!! You make it sound so much funnier than it is.

    ReplyDelete