Wednesday, January 29, 2014

5 Steps, 5 Pounds, 5 Days!

I accomplished something pretty phenomenal this week and I wanted to share my technique with you, my fine readers.

I'm a giver. What can I say?

Let's get right to it. Here's my fool-proof program for Five Steps, Five Pounds, Five Days:

1. Stress Level

To guarantee results, you must assess your stress level. Is it at an all-time high? Take a look at your work environment. Is it facilitating the results that you require for your job? What about the noise level around you- can you hear yourself think? How are you coming with those deadlines?

In order for your body to function properly, you need to manage your stress.
I typically do this by setting aside blocks of time for work, getting plenty of sleep, walking in nature and allowing myself time to unwind.


This week, I am barely surviving under the crushing weight of not one, but four deadlines. A winter snow brought single digit temperatures, trapping me in the house with my rugrats. The noise level has been OFF THE CHARTS: nonstop noise at every waking hour. It's sort of like sticking your finger in a light socket repeatedly throughout the day. It's so soothing that my eye twitch has returned. I fear it is permanent.

2. Diet

Food is the ultimate drug. Healthy choices lead to healthy people! Stupid choices lead to... what was I saying? In the past week I have been carbo-loading like I am preparing for the big race race. Cereal? Check. Pasta? Check. Potatoes? Check. Bread? Hells yes. Oatmeal? Yep-In all forms, particularly the one that looks like a cookie. Wine? Youbetcha! Corn chips? Every day, at least twice a day!

Which leads me to...

3. Exercise

Now that you are carbed up, it's time to think about burning all that energy you stored. The options are unlimited. You could certainly jog, bike, do yoga or lift weights. Perhaps you could walk or go to the gym. Do you remember when you ordered all those Pilates DVD's from that late-night infomercial? Stick one of those puppies in the DVD player and get to it!

In the past week, I chose a different form of weight lifting, I repeated lifted two small black objects to eye level. On was my phone and the other was the TV remote. There's probably something fascinating on facebook or a marathon of House Hunters that deserves your time and undivided attention. Get to it!

4. PMS

Every woman knows that her special time of the month can bring fatigue, bloating, irritation, discomfort and water retention. Add that to a strict carbohydrate-laden diet and strong cravings for "salty-crunchy" and you have a recipe for a snug waistband, friendly thighs and chubby fingers. Congratulations! You are now a Cabbage Patch Doll.

5. Seasonal Illness

Forget taking vitamins and immune boasting drinks, just go ahead a have your sick child cough into your mouth. To easily facilitate this, simply get down at their level, open your mouth and say "OOOOOOOPPPPPPPPRAAAAAAHHHHH". Just like that, their viral-infused bodily fluid will now be yours, too!

So in conclusion, you too can add five pounds in the short time of five days by a simple combination of these five steps: illness, high stress, poor diet, little to no exercise and PMS! It's that simple! I did it, and SO CAN YOU!

If you need any extra assistance, I can loan you my kids- complete with snotty noses and Volume 11 noise level.

Best of luck!

Peace, Love and Unicorns,

Thursday, January 23, 2014

WTF? Getting Old is Stoopid.

I've been feeling a little (read: A LOT) sensitive about my aging skin ever since I was accused of being my OLDER sister's MOTHER last month.

It happened in Vegas, where all evil things happen.

Lately I have spent way more time than I care to admit staring at my wrinkles in the mirror, then making the WTF? face in horror at my reflection.

This face causes more wrinkles, which in turn causes more WTF? face.

If you are not familiar with my WTF? face, it looks like this:

If you have met me in person, you are most likely familiar with this face. In hindsight, the fact I wear this expression more than any other is perhaps the cause of my wrinkle problem.


There's probably no changing my personality at this point, so I attempted to make some other alterations to distract from my horrible premature aging problem. In desperation, I tried a variety of methods.

Move Along, There are No Wrinkles to See Here Method One: 
I used the shy, awkward, 13 year old girl OMG-please don't look at me technique. I think it worked pretty well, but proved problemy when confronted with everyday tasks. Like driving. Or seeing. Or cooking bacon.

LOOK AWAY FROM MY WRINKLES Distraction Method Two: 
I used props. Large, flashy props. It turns out I'm not a Hipster.

Don't Go Towards the Light, or Maybe Do... Method Three:
I brilliantly combined white light with motion, creating a continual white blur. I thought this renegade move would be my winner, but I quickly tired from the constant movement and my eyes were watering profusely from staring into the sun. Plus, people were mistaking me for a ghastly image from a not-quite earthly place.

Perky Eyes Wrinkle Distraction Method Four:
There is no way that I would go under the knife to get a face lift, so I opted for walking around mimicking a perpetually surprised person instead. Now I know exactly how huge my eyeballs are, but I don't think the desired effect was achieved.

Fade and Blur Method Five:
I used the blemish correction feature on my phone to fix my face. It looks like someone put bacon grease on the camera lens before they snapped the picture. I don't know. Maybe I used it wrong. Or maybe there is bacon grease on my camera.

Then I waited for a genie to come and grant me three wishes, but that didn't happen.
Then I bitched about it to my friends, and still, no change.
Then finally, I tried something different.

Microdermabrasion is the bomb, especially in the harsh winter weather. I went to my local Ulta because they were running a deal. In fact, they still are:

Buy Expensive Products Online:
I use Living Social for discounts and magically one for something called "face lift cream" popped up in my email. Naturally, I was working so I waited.... haahaha! No. I stopped what I was doing and immediately purchased it. It was normally $150, on sale for $25. I got an extra special deal for super cool people of $22, then paid $5.99 for shipping. I'm not great at math but that seems exactly like a shit ton of savings. The face cream and serum (that I also purchased because... duh) arrived in the mail a few days later. That is when I first read the ingredients. (Turns out I'm not so great at research BEFORE I buy something.)

It said '70% organic'.
Cool. I like organic stuffs.
Then it started the listing with 'bioactive snail serum'.

Again, my face contorted into WTF?

Then this happened on Facebook, which made me realize once again how much I love my people:

I would like to welcome all my new followers and confess to you that I just bought face cream containing bioactive snail serum. I'm both intrigued and frightened by not only this ingredient, but also the fact that I paid $28 to rub snail serum on my face. I thought you all should know... Welcome and good day.
Like ·  · 

Snail semen, er... serum or not, I was curious as to why this product sells for $150 at regular price. So when a commercial break happened during our weekly viewing of The Bachelor Masterpiece Theatre, I left the room to try my snail trail product. I applied the serum and cream to my face, then walked back in two minutes later. Brock looked at me, raised his eyebrows into a mild WTF? and said, "I seriously see a difference."

The crazy part is that so did I.

I honestly do not care about what is in this stuff. It may contain unicorn tears and fairy dust. It truly does not matter because THIS SHIT IS WORKING. Thank God for snail serum, whatever the fuck that is.

For the record, I really don't want to know.

I am not being paid to endorse this product,
 but I will gladly accept cash, Hugh Jackman and/or product donations.

The miracle product is called Michael Todd True Organics Knu- new you anti-aging facelift cream and serum. Click here for the website.