Today I am interviewing Michelle Newman from You're my favorite today.. She tells me that it is "A Blog About Nothing", which clearly means she is secretly Seinfeld. Michelle wrote one of my favorite essays in I Just Want To Pee Alone called "Don't Stop Believin'". It's a clever and hilarious look into the sex life of parents. Seriously, her essay alone is worth the price of the book.
After chitty-chatting about Appletinis, life aspirations, scary talk show hosts, fancy tailed rodents and Jazz apples, I discovered that Michelle and I have a lot in common:
- We refer to our offspring as Thing 1 and Thing 2.
- We have experienced bipolar spring weather this year in our respective states (Minnesota and Colorado).
- We randomly know some of the same people.
- We shop at Target.
- Neither of us can tell time while inside of the Target.
- We loathe the squirrels in our yards.
- We wrote stories for the fabulous and funny book I Just Want to Pee Alone.
Michelle and I had an appointment to chat for this interview. We both missed our scheduled talk time because we had simultaneously been sucked into the glorious, tantalizing abyss that is Super Target. It happens all the time people.
Important things happen every day at Target; particularly with the hats and sunglasses.
|This is my Thing 1 at Target.|
|This is my Thing 2 at Target.|
Fun fact, Michelle lives near the mecca that is the Target mothership. I live in a low-key city that is home to two Target stores. We decided that practically every women in each of our respective cities is wearing some season of Target at all times. Michelle is so Target-centric that she has a burning desire to conduct an experiment to buy ONLY from Target for one year. If someone completes the task, they would win FREE POPCORN! FOREVER!
TARGET TARGET TARGET. Target should be paying both of us for this post. There. I'm done. PENIS.
When we put our groceries away and finally caught up, I learned that Michelle is bubbly, chatty and charming. She was really nervous to have me drill her with my hard hitting questions, so I took it easy on her with low key promptings like "Tell me how you really feel about your Mother in Law." and "What is your favorite sexual position?", because my mom told me that I should always make everyone around me feel at ease.
Johi: What was your start as a writer?
Michelle: As a kid I always wrote. It was the part of school in which I did well. Although I haven't taught in 17 years, I was an elementary school teacher and taught 4th and 5th grade. I loved teaching writing and always wanted to write children's stories.
A little over a year ago, I was sick of the voices in my head. I had total Mom-Brain. I would have dreams about writing. I needed to release my inner dialog, so last March I started a blog. By fall I had found my nitch. Blogs are so great for instant gratification. People immediately read what you write and you get feedback. Plus it has given me something to do other than go to Target and make grilled cheese sandwiches. Writing has given me back a part of me that I didn't even realize was missing. I now have more of a purpose.
Johi: Wow. Exactly. That was poetic. How many Appletinis did you suck down before this interview?
Johi: How do you feel about squirrels?
Michelle: Squirrels make me crazy. They ate all of my pumpkins and all of my sunflowers. They pee all over everything on my deck. I have had to sit on my deck wearing a bicycle helmet because of all the acorns falling. It's dangerous!
Johi: I'm going to use that acorn line the next time I am wearing my helmet around town. My husband has been particularly irritating lately. What is the most annoying thing that your husband does?
Michelle: Oh. My. Gawd. SNORES. Every single night! It started about a year and a half ago. It sounds like he is strangling a cat. Of course he falls asleep instantly and it takes me so long to turn off my brain at night.
Johi: I feel your pain and raise you a chainsaw. Who frightens you more: Martha Stewart, Dr. Phil or Tyra Banks?
Michelle: Martha Stewart. No one has their shit together that much. Perfect people scare me.
Johi: Plus, she's been to prison so she probably knows how to shank someone. Who's your celeb free pass?
Michelle: I have a lot! I love the 80's guys like Jason Bateman and Rob Lowe. George Clooney, obviously. He is so devilishly handsome, plus he is older than me to it makes it better than my inappropriate illegal crush on Zac Effron, or "Zeffron".
So once I got a poster of George Clooney in People magazine, like the ones you would get in Tiger Beat. I posted it on the wall on my side of the bed and left the room. When I came back in, my husband had moved it over the headboard to the center of the bed. So obviously, he's more than okay with my crush.
Johi: He should have put it on the ceiling for maximum effect. OKAY! It's GAME TIME! Today we are playing Marry, Fuck or Kill. Here are your choices: Rush Limbaugh, Howard Stern and Ceelo Green. GO!
Michelle: Dang it! Okay.
Marry- Howard Stern because he is hilarious, he has awesome stories and a ton of money.
Kill- Rush Limbaugh, because someone needs to.
Fuck- Ceelo. Even though he has tiny T-Rex arms and dresses like an Oompa Loompa and ONLY if I were heavily intoxicated.
Johi: I think his cat is heavily intoxicated. If my first choice falls through, will you room with me at BlogHer?
Michelle: That's so nice of you. Thank you. Lovely to be a second-choice.
Johi: No problem. I don't snore unless I'm pregnant. Tell me how you REALLY feel about your Mother-In-Law.
Michelle: She passed away years ago. She was lovely.
Johi: God, I'm an asshole. Hey! Let's do the Favorites Game!
What's your favorite Ice Cream flavor?
Michelle: Coffee Chocolate Chip.
Johi: What is your favorite personal possession?
Michelle: My engagement ring, which I don't wear anymore because I traded up for a nicer one! But it is still my favorite!
Johi: What is your favorite junk food?
Michelle: Lay's Sharp Cheddar Kettle Chips.
Johi: What is your favorite place on Earth?
Michelle: Our cabin a couple of hours away that sits on a little lake. It's the place where I'm most relaxed and happy.
Johi: What is your favorite song?
Michelle: "100 Years" by Five for Fighting. It makes me cry. And "Good Riddance" by Green Day. Ditto for the crying.
Johi: What's your favorite sexual position?
Michelle: Since both of my kids might read this.... obviously, I've only had sex twice.
Johi: Who's your favorite today?
Michelle: Oh, Johi, you lovely lady you, that's a silly question! Who do you think? Obviously it was the barrista at the Target Starbucks who gave me extra whip on my Frappuccino.
Johi: What is your favorite essay in I Just Want to Pee Alone and why?
Michelle: MINE! Ha! No, I kid. I loved so many of them, but Toulouse and Tonic's "A Stranger in the Land of Twigs and Berries" was so funny. I grew up with a sister and only have daughters so that was so hilariously foreign to me. I loved Meredith Spidel's "Love, Tears and a Few Scattered Ashes" too.
Johi: Like I always sometimes never say, the difference between tragedy and comedy is time.
Check out more of Michelle on her blog! She was also recently In The Powder Room talking about her lady garden, and she hangs out on way too much on facebook. Pick up your copy of I Just Want To Pee Alone to read her musical themed sexessay. It's truly fantastic.