Saturday, March 30, 2013

TMI Fridays: Momaical

TMI FRIDAYS

Yes, I know it's Saturday. It was a long week.


Today's installment of the wildly popular TMI Fridays is Tracy Winslow from Momaical. Tracy is a published author (I Just Want to Pee Alone), a mother, and a Jane of All Trades. She has a luxurious speaking voice and insanely quick wit, which landed her a job as a radio DJ. She then made the natural transition to an Audit Executive (What? Did someone say waffles?Zzzzzzz) and went on to teaching a 4th Grade Spanish Immersion Program. She next taught high school Spanish, then moved into the highly lucrative position as a SAHM and blogger. In short, this velvet voiced hooker can do anything. She's smart, she's no nonsense, she's funny and she speaks so quickly that two of my ink pens lit on fire while trying to take notes.



Her tagline is quite possibly the best on the internet: I'm trying my best not to raise a flock of assholes. In her own words regarding parenting her daughters, "As long as they aren't in jail or stripping, it's a win."

Seriously, isn't that the heart of parenting? We all just hope to churn out spawn that actually benefit society. Or ones that will at least put their own dirty dishes in the motherflippin' dishwasher...

Tracy and I distracted our children with cartoons hired balloon artists, circus animals and glitter crafts while we hid in the closet on our phones conducted our interview. I discovered that Tracy is my favorite kind of person: open, warm, real and hilarious.

Johi: Is being a SAHM everything you thought it would be?

Tracy: I never thought that I would be a SAHM. We moved to California for my husband's job and I sort of fell into the position by default. I thought there would time for workouts and crafts and.... NO. Unless high anxiety equals cardio. 

Johi: I hope so, because if so, I'm conditioned for the next Tough Mudder in Guam. When and why did you start writing?

Tracy: I was posting anecdotes on facebook and friends and family kept encouraging me to write a blog. I didn't even know what a blog was. I never understood why it was hard for people to write. You just sit down and write. Sometimes it comes out great and other times it seems like you took horse tranquilizers for breakfast.

Humor is my defensive armor. I can't stop it.

Johi: * horse tranquilizers... maybe that is what is wrong with me...* 
Now is where we play one of my favorite games called Would You Rather! Would You Rather... get into a white cargo van with a man in a clown suit or make out with Andy Dick?

Tracy: That's not fair.

Johi: I know.

Tracy: Clowns and white vans are creepy, but Andy Dick? 

Johi: I know. This game's a bitch, huh?

Tracy: I would get into the van with Simon Baker in a clown costume. 

Johi: Would You Rather be stuck in traffic for 3 hours in 112 degree heat with a broken AC or have your hand forcibly put on Naked Cowboy's ass?

Tracy: I have had my hand on Naked Cowboy's ass. He put it there for me.

Johi: Good Gawd, me too! It was awful. I'm so glad I was drunk.

Tracy: I was not drunk because I was working as a radio DJ when it happened. But it was horrifying. He is stinky, creepy and greasy.

Johi: I like Greazy with a 'z'. He must have a thing for his own ass. Ew.
So, speaking of asses, what part of your 20 year old body do you miss the most?

Tracy: My stomach. I hated it. I have long legs and a short torso and I thought that my abs looked like a whoopie cushion. Now it looks like a tiger attacked it and I would give anything to have that whoopie cushion back.

Johi: How would you describe your style aesthetic?

Tracy: Clothing: Preppy Plaid Nerd. Home: OMG, Pottery Barn puked in here. Mental: Jackson Pollock picture; a hot mess.

Johi: On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being John Wayne and 10 being Perez Hilton, how gay are you?

Tracy: I'm no John Wayne. A seven.

Johi: Which essay from I Just Want to Pee Alone is your favorite and why?

Tracy: Meredith Spidel's,  "Love, Tears and a Few Scattered Ashes", It is so irreverent; how to find the humor in the hideous. 

Johi: I forgot my last question because I'm totally professional. 
Is there anything else that you would like people to know about you?

Tracy: I just try to find humor in all things. Abject humiliation of life. No bragging, no lamenting. 

Johi: That's awesome. I'm just trying to find my brain. My friend told me that the mom fog wears off when the kids reach seven. My littlest one is almost three, so... how many years do I have left?

Tracy: I don't know. I gave up math for Lent.


Lent is almost over, Tracy! I'm going to need you to get back to me on that!


Check out Tracy's hilarious blog here and follow her on facebook here and buy I Just Want to Pee Alone here! Read The Cotton Floozy's Review of our book HERE! You won't be disappointed! 






Friday, March 22, 2013

TMI Fridays: Nurse Mommy Laughs

TMI Fridays

This Just In: Nurse Mommy Laughs LOVES Larry the Cable Guy!

Welcome to the first installment of TMI Fridays! 

Today's victim is Stacey Hatton of Nurse Mommy Laughs. Stacey is a co-contributor of the wildly popular book I Just Want to Pee Alone. Her essay, titled "Elite Grocery Store Mom's Club", can be found on page 121. She's a Kansassian (Kansasonian? uh... she's from Kansas), a mom of two girls, a humorist, a character actor, a former nurse and a lover of Matt Damon. She's also blond and has suffered from five head injuries. The two of us connected in that way that only blonds with multiple head injuries can.



This interview was conducted by phone, which contributed to the foul direction it took. The lesson here is that I am not to be trusted during "normal" conversation. Apparently, neither is Stacey. I love her humor, her mid-western roots and her beautiful butter-toned speaking voice. Seriously, she could moonlight as a phone sex operator. 

Sing me a song, sweet Stacey, while I use your melodious voice to butter my toast.

That sounded way dirtier in print than it did in my head.

Johi: So, you were a nurse! Tell me about your most horrifying or hilarious experience.

Stacey: I have so many stories that fall under those categories.... *thinking thinking*  I was a pediatric nurse. Once there was an emergent situation where a child stopped breathing. The mother called for me and I sprinted into the room. There was a cot (that the mother had been sleeping on) in front of me and I stepped on it en route to the child. When I did, the cot folded up on me. I was stuck in the mattress, sandwiched like a slab of ham between two pieces of bread. More screaming commenced and more nurses came running to revive the child, which they thankfully succeeded in doing. All the while, I was watching... trapped in a cot... helpless.

Johi: When and why did you start writing and blogging?

Stacey: My first child was a full term stillborn. I was so incredibly depressed that I couldn't go back to work. I was always a person who found laughter to be the best medicine, and I needed to find that healing humor again. Writing was a cathartic outlet for me. I started to journal online. Then I was lucky enough to get a job writing a humor column for the Kansas City Star. Now I get the best of both worlds: I'm finding humor in life and through that, helping others laugh as well.

Johi: This is a fun little game I play. It's called "Marry, Fuck or Kill". I'm going to give you a list of three people and you have to put one in each category. Here are your choices: Pope Francis, Einstein, and Justin Bieber. GO!

Stacey: Ummm.... the choices are limited.

Johi: Aren't they? That's the beauty of the game!

Stacey: I would like Matt Damon as an option. 

Johi: Oh yeah. Me too. But sorry, no Matt.

Stacey: Okay. Kill: Justin Bieber. Marry: Einstein. Fuck: Pope Francis. I would like to tarnish a pope... make him hang up his pope hat (on my bed post).

Johi: What is your favorite food to eat and would you eat it in front of Matt Damon?

Stacey: Ice Cream. But I would eat anything OFF of Matt Damon.

Johi: Do you think it is sexier to eat ice cream off a spoon or from a cone?

Stacey: Off his cone. I mean, from a cone.

Johi: I live with a cat, two dogs, and three males. My house is filthy and I'm exhausted. How much would you charge to clean my house and make me dinner?

Stacey: Clothed or naked?

Johi: Either way. Price it out.

Stacey: Clothed: My rate is $150,000. Naked from the waist up: $200. Extra for tassels.

Johi: Tassels could be helpful for dusting.

Stacey: Like Swiffer tassels.

Johi: I think we just invented something AWESOME.

Stacey: We should have a three way....call.

Johi: Who is the third party? Matt Damon?

Stacey: Swiffer!!!

Johi: Oh yeah. 

Stacey: You bring the ice cream.

Johi: Not including your own, which is your favorite essay in I Just Want to Pee Alone and why?

Stacey: I laughed the loudest at the passive aggressive "Parenting is Taboo" from Bethany Meyers (I Love Them Most When They're Sleeping).

Johi: That one was really funny.
I told my kids that I was conducting an interview and they wanted to ask you some questions as well.
From Thing 1 (my five year old): Which race car from Cars is your favorite?

Stacey:  Mater, the tow truck.

Johi: He's a tow truck. Not a race car. But I'll give it to you since you have girls.

Stacey: Don't tell anyone, but I really like Larry the Cable Guy. I'm a little ashamed of that.

Johi: I like him too. I can't help myself. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.

Now for my little guy's question. He's two and I call him Thing 2: I WIKE RED CANDY!

Stacey: My Munchkin 2 like red fruit treats.

Johi: Word.



You can read Stacey's essay in I Just Want to Pee Alone by simply clicking here. For only a few dollars, you can have hours of laughter and happiness. You won't be sorry.

Visit her blog here and her facebook page here!
















Monday, March 18, 2013

Day 1 of Spring Break and I'm already broken.

It is spring break this week, so Brock took Thing 1 to the dump this morning.

Wait... ?

Yep, that's pretty much how we roll around here. We don't need no stinkin' beachy vacations! Why would I want to walk in the sand, with crystal blue water lapping at my ankles while the sun kisses my shoulders in 80 degree weather? Nah. Instead, I'm building train tracks inside a house that reeks of burnt grease (there was a Shepard's Pie accident- don't ask) and Dad is with his 5 year old, doing man stuff together at the dump. It's probably the best Spring Break Thing 1 could have imagined.

I, on the other hand, could conjure up something so much better; something involving drinks with tiny umbrellas... and massages... and room service...

*sigh*

When I went to heat up my coffee for the 14th time in the microwave this morning, Thing 2 decided to strike up a dialogue with me. He proceeded in his usual conversational style. It went like this:

Thing 2: Hey mom.

Me: Yes?

Thing 2: Hey mom!

Me: What sweetie?

Thing 2: Hey mom!!!!

Me: Yes, pumpkin?

Thing 2: HEY MOM!!!!!

Me: WHAT????

Thing 2: I have a train named Thomas.

Me: ....



Fortunately for me, we've already experienced this style of exchange four more times this morning.
After hearing "HEY MOM!" 34 times, I have learned:
  1. "I wike oranges."
  2. "I wike trains."
  3. "I pinched my bewwy button."
  4. "I want toast."
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to tackle six loads of laundry, wipe every stinky surface in the house and hand wash all of the dishes in the dishwasher, which decided to stop working yesterday. I'm going to put on a bikini and pretend I'm in Mexico while I work.

Oh wait, I hate wearing swimsuits. THAT'S why we're not in Mexico!

(No, it's not.)


 
I should be a motherflipping civil engineer.
 
Peace, Love and Trains,
Johi
 
 

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Celebration, Music, Books and The Winner!

Life is so good that sometimes you just have to celebrate! Sometimes that "celebration" happens in the middle of a Saturday afternoon. Sometimes that "celebration" involves two people gettin' nekkid. Sometimes your child walks into your room and notices your bare shoulders and asks, "Why don't you have any clothes on?" and you casually reply, "I'm getting into the shower." Then sometimes the child wonders out loud, "Are you wearing underpants?" and you say, "Get on outta here.", or something like that.

Um. Sometimes that happens.
Well, this is awkward.

Hey you guys! I'm in a book! It's called I Just Want to Pee Alone. It's really funny! I've read it three times now. I've even taken to following Brock around and reading passages to him from the book, just to watch him laugh. And he laughs. Every time. Because the pee book is full of really funny stories from really funny writers. I want to introduce you to all of the contributors today so that you can visit their blogs and experience their fabulosity.

 

RachRiot

Momaical

Snarkfest
Ninja Mom

Honest Mom

HouseTalkN
Naps Happen
My Real Life
Frugalista Blog

Baby Sideburns

Funny is Family

My Life and Kids

Mom's New Stage

Toulouse & Tonic

Random Handprints
Nurse Mommy Laughs

Suburban Snapshots

Four Plus an Angel

The Dose of Reality

Kelley's Break Room
The Mom of the Year

Life on Peanut Layne

Hollow Tree Ventures

The Fordeville Diaries
Binkies and Briefcases

Let Me Start By Saying

Bad Parenting Moments

Insane in the Mom Brain

Rants From Mommyland

You're My Favorite Today

Confessions of a Cornfed Girl

Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine

People I Want to Punch in the Throat

The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva

You Know it Happens at Your House Too

I Love Them Most When They're Sleeping

The Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
 
Last week, I gave away one book to a reader and the winner is DONNA BECKER!
Congratulations, Donna! Shoot me an email with your address and I will sign and ship you a copy.

 
 
 
Are you sad that you didn't win? No worries! You can simply purchase your own copy from Amazon or itunes.
 
Wait! Don't go! I have more.
To make the most of the fact that I woke up at 5 a.m., I put on my headphones, turned on Pandora and went for my morning walk with Red Dog.

I watched the sun break over the trees while the icy March air blasted my face. 

 

I watched the birds fly and the steam rise from the pond.  

 

I contemplated life and joy.

I thought about my wonderful boys.

I mused about little green men and pots full of gold. 

The music was good and the air was cold.

Red Dog is cute and she doesn't even know it.
This is why I'm not a poet.
....yeah.

These were my favorite songs this morning. Enjoy. 

 
 

    I hope you all have a Happy St. Paddy's Day!

    Wear something green and kiss someone special.
    xxoo
    Johi
     
       

     

     

         
     
     

               

     

     
     
     

     

     
     

    Friday, March 15, 2013

    Repelling men everywhere, one sentence at a time.

    I promise not to mention the book, I Just Want to Pee Alone. I won't tell you guys about how you need to buy this book because it is getting great reviews. I promise not to tell you that we are holding the number one spot on Amazon in both Humor Essays and Humor Parenting and Children. I won't even tell you that men and people without children are loving it, too. Seriously, I'm not going to do it. Instead, I'm here to talk about a different activity that happens in the bathroom.

    I just want to shower alone.

    Ahh. A shower. Alone. It's the best. Sorry to all you men who think otherwise, but we really don't want to share the hot water stream. We've had kids clinging to our legs all day and are looking for 10 minutes of peace.  Plus, tile is COLD, especially in March. If you want to shower with us, take us to somewhere warm and beachy... like Mexico. Or just add tequila.

    Showering seems to be the best way to wash off the residual smell of the pony poo/hair combo that is my daily perfume. In an effort to smell more like a lady and less like someone named Jethro, I took one last night. Then, instead of digging my favorite pair of ratty flannel pj's out of my drawer in preparation for another exciting evening on the couch, I put on some "big girl clothes".

    That's right. It was Girls' Night Out.

    Ahhhh squared.

    Not unlike a Greek Goddess, I breezed out of my room in my virginal white sweater dress; my face bronzed from a day in the restorative Colorado sun. Okay, so I was wearing stompy boots and I have never "breezed" anywhere in my life. Also, my skin was blotchy and red, but I totally worked that shit out with mineral powder. But that dress is super cute.

    Brock looked up and said: Geez! You look nice. Just make sure he has money.

    I laughed: Whatever. You know that you don't have to worry about me.

    Brock nodded: That's true. You repel men.

    Me: ....

    Brock: Well, you know what I mean. It's not your looks, it's when you talk.

    Me: ....

    Me: I know.


    I will have you know that I completely charmed both of the homeless men that I passed on the sidewalk. Take THAT, Brock.

    Also, Brock, that comment just earned me at least three months of showering alone. I can wash my own back, thankyouverymuch.

    Peace, Love and Pony Poo,
    Johi

    Wednesday, March 13, 2013

    Why you gotta do me like that, March?

    The month of March is upon us. Here in Colorado, we have had two (or three? I can't remember) snow storms this month and it is supposed to be 70 degrees on Friday.  I know that people like to speak of Lions and Lambs, but let's call a spade a dirty shovel. The month of March is a fickle little bitch.

    March, to me and any person that suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder (otherwise known as, "Fuck this. Let's move to Florida"), is what a beautiful, buxom 20 year old girl wearing a chastity belt is to a sailor on leave. It's a tease.

    Here I am, pathetically praying for sun and warmth and green, while March is flipping me the bird and whipping snowballs at my head.

    In a desperate quest for positivity, I will make a list of all the things that I LOVE about March.

    What Johi Loves About the Month of March:

    1. Soup.

    I love soup. I love making soup and eating soup and smelling soup. That's all I could come up with, you guys.

    Let me try again.

    What Johi Doesn't Loathe About the Month of March:

    1. St. Patrick's Day, which is the one day of the year that it is socially acceptable to wear my violently green leisure suit in public.
    2. The occasional gentle, lamb-like days outside, which I feverishly embrace after four straight months of feeling TRAPPED in a glass cage of emotion my cluttered, hair covered, tiny toy box of a house.
    3. Daylight Saving Time, because it is light later, which reminds me of summer and flowers and grilling and backyard BBQ's, which, in turn, makes my feelings of hibernation start to slowly subside. Plus I can walk Red Dog after Brock gets home from work instead of before the motherflipping sun has broken over the horizon.
    4. It is still boot season, and boots complete me.
    5. No bugs and no snakes. See? Look at me with all this positivity! I'm rocking this shit!
    6. ....
    7. I'm done. This is officially an empty well.

    So, to help you all get through the rest of March, may I gently suggest that you find a really good book to read. Oh! What's this? A REALLY GREAT BOOK! And I wrote part of it!



    Hurry- click on the links below and purchase one for yourself and every parent that you know! This is a great Mother's Day gift! This book will make any gifts-required-but-no-alcohol-will-be-served event tolerable, even that "OMG, this is her third kid and she's having a baby shower?" extravaganza. This book would make an EXCELLENT selection for your next book club meeting! It will make you laugh and cry and laugh some more.

    *I Just Want to Pee Alone is available for purchase in paperback book and for your Kindle at Amazon . It is available for your iPhone, iPad, or iPod touch on itunes. It is available for your Nook (I think) at smashwords.com. I'm available for celebratory drinks and/or dinner pretty much any evening.

    Peace, Love and Creepy Leprechauns,
    Johi


    Friday, March 8, 2013

    I Just Want to Pee Alone

    That title up there really grabbed you, didn't it?

    That's because Jen at People I Want to Punch in the Throat is the bee's knees.

    It is because of Jen, that I felt better about my Elf of the Shelf parenting.

    It is because of Jen, that coffee burned my nasal passage when I read her letter to Tina Fey.

    It is because of Jen (and the fact that I make myself sit down and write on this blog) that I am now published in a book with the glorious, awe-inspiring title of I Just Want to Pee Alone.



    Click here to buy it on Amazon!

    Click here to buy it on itunes!

    Comment at the end of this post (and like my facebook page) to enter to win a FREE signed copy from yours truly!

    In this book you will find hilarious original essays (as in: never before published on the Internet, in a book, on a truck stop bathroom wall or in a handout from Planned Parenthood) from so many talented and funny women. Rants from Mommyland, Mom's Who Drink and Swear, Toulouse and Tonic and Snarkfest are just a few of the women who contributed to this book. Since it is International Women's Day, we should all honor women and BUY THIS BOOK.

    Then later we can burn our bras and quote Gloria Steinem while braiding each other's hair. It will be magical.

    In truth, at the end of the day, don't we want to support fellow women, have a laugh at someone else's expense and JUST PEE ALONE? I know that I do.

    Thanks in advance for buying our book!
    Thanks for "liking" my Amazon author page! Below is a little sample of my page, the page that declares ME to be an AUTHOR. What? I know! Right!

    Johi Kokjohn-Wagner
    Image of Johi Kokjohn-Wagner
    Johi is a writer, an illustrator, a humor blogger, a stay at home mom, a horsewoman and a photographer. She was raised on an Iowa horse ranch, where she was worked like a beefy man. Somehow, in the midst of hay lifting, manure scooping and mud boots, she developed a love of books, art, fashion and design. Johi currently resides in Ft. Collins, Colorado with her husband, their two sons, two naughty dogs, two adorable ponies and one smelly cat. She hopes, one day, to have her very own pink tractor.
    Thanks for reading!

    *And a special thank you to those of you who take the time to leave a glowing review of this wonderful anthology on Amazon!

    xxoo,
    Johi

    Tuesday, March 5, 2013

    Cautionary Tales of Sudden Death.

    My childhood was highly protected. I wasn't allowed to do anything deemed "dangerous" by my parents. Even though, by the age of 12, I was often doing the manual labor of a grown man, I was not allowed to participate in many fun and exciting "normal" childhood activities for fear of my demise. Frankly, I was probably three steps away being locked in the barn (for safety) and handed a shovel (because there was manure to be cleaned and I was in there, so I might as well earn my keep.)


    Here are a few cautionary tales of warranted instant death that I learned from ma and pa:

    • Quick sand! Watch out for it! It's the silent killer! First of all, don't be stupid enough to blindly walk into quick sand. Pay attention! If you are ignorant enough to get stuck in quick sand, don't thrash around. Just yell for HELP then start searching for a big stick so that someone can pull you out. But seriously, you shouldn't have ever gone into the quick sand in the first place. What a disappointment. Now hurry up and get yourself out of there, because it is time to shovel out the grain bin. Just stay to the edges because the center is a sinkhole vortex of asphyxiation by corn. Here's a shovel.

    • Beware of thin ice! The ice, even on the coldest of days in January, is a trick! It is an unsafe place, even if it appears to be a foot thick. Ice skating is only for fancy city folk on their temperature controlled ice rinks. DO NOT GO ONTO A FROZEN POND AND ICE SKATE. You can fall through the ice and drown. It happens all the time... and children die. It's like quick sand, only worse, because it is really cold.  Now here's an heavy, sharpened ax for you to spend an hour chopping through that pond so that the livestock can drink. Watch your toes.  

    • Bicycles are two-wheeled rigs of ruin! Riding bikes on the road=sudden death by speeding car. But the driveway is safe! Even if it is only 200 feet long and made from golf ball sized jagged stones. Stones so sharp that will take out an eye upon impact when they dislodge your bike tire. What's a helmet? Hurry up! We have some hay bales that weigh as much as you and they aren't going to stack themselves.

    • Trampolines are only for expendable children! YOU MAY NOT USE THE TRAMPOLINE. EVER. You will break your arms, legs, or worse, YOUR NECK. You will either be dead or spending the rest of your life in a wheelchair. No child needs to bounce around that high off the ground on a tarp stretched with springs! Sure, you and your sister can try to jump between the stacks of big round bales, just don't push each other off the hay again. We also need you to ride in the bed of the truck on the way home because the cab is full of dogs and your father's guns.

    • No diving! You will die! Diving can only result in severe head injury, a life in a wheelchair or sudden death. Just don't do it. Ever. It might be too shallow and you'll never know until it is too late! Now put on your boots and gloves because we need to separate these angry, over protective longhorn cows from their calves. It's weaning time!

    • ATV= Absolute Termination Vehicle. Four-wheelers and motorcycles are motorized manifestations of fatality, or at least certain dismemberment and severe head injuries. Now, stand at this gate while I feed the hay. Open it quickly to let me out when I'm done. I'll come towards you in the tractor and the buffalo may be following. Make sure to close it AS FAST AS POSSIBLE or that entire herd of stampeding buffalo that is running straight towards you will get out! Ready? GO!

    • Playing video games is the equivalent of volunteering for euthanasia. Video games will rot your mind and turn you into a sloth. Also, you will lose your ability to interact with real humans and work ethic. Death with ensue, after you have lived a boneless fatty existence in your parent's basement. Plus, you can't waste time on gaming because you need to help remove that asbestos siding from the shed, so get your gloves and move it.

    • Your body is a temple. Don't pollute it. If you smoke cigarettes, your teeth will turn yellow and your lungs will turn black, causing you to hack up phlegm in front of attractive males. And then you will die. What time is it? Sure, you can have Tombstone pizza and Diet Coke for dinner again.

    Yet...
    I was allowed to ride horses of all sizes! No helmets were required! As a small child, I was tossed on the backs of horses that ranged in size from 600-1,200 pounds. Horses, animals with a mind of their own, hooves shod in iron, and a deeply ingrained flight response, were totally safe. The rest of the world, however, was a certain crouching death, waiting to claim me for the dark side.

    But here is a 1,100 pound random horse that your dad just picked up from the sale barn!
    Why don't you hop on him bareback and take him for a spin around the pasture....

    Thanks Mom and Dad. I still fear death by ice, bicycle, quick sand, ATV's or canvas stretched on bungee cords, but I absolutely live for time spent on the back of a horse.


    Let's see how much of this wisdom I can pass along to my own children.

    I'll start with, "Snakes will kill you. And if you bring one into the house, I will kill you."

    And always...
    WATCH OUT FOR QUICK SAND!

    Peace, Love and Licking Lead Paint,
    Johi



    Sunday, March 3, 2013

    Sunday Sharing: Tunes and Toots.

    Music and food.

    Seriously, does it get much better?

    I made some delicious veggie chili the other evening. Nothing says "Hey honey, are you ready for some sexy time?" like a piping hot bowl of beans. Am I right?

    This is a quick recipe. From start to finish it took about 35 minutes. You could also throw everything into a crock pot and cook an low for  about 5-6 hours (until veggies are tender).



    Johi's Veggie Chili

    2 T olive oil
    1 large onion (chopped)
    3 cloves garlic (minced)
    1/2 c. red/orange or yellow pepper (chopped)
    1/2 c. green pepper (chopped)
    2 stalks of celery (chopped)
    1 can corn (drained)
    1 can chili beans (with juice)
    1 can red kidney beans (drained)
    1 can black beans (drained)
    1 can diced tomatoes (with juice)
    1 T vegetable bouillon
    salt and pepper to taste
    2 T chili powder
    1 T crushed hot pepper
    1 T sugar

    In a stock pot on med/high, add 2 T. olive oil. When hot, add onions, peppers, celery and garlic. Cook while stirring until tender~ 5 minutes. Turn down heat to Med- Med/Low (I use 3-4 on my electric stove top). Add canned ingredients and stir until combined. Stir in bouillon (I use the paste). Add spices to taste.

    This was a thick, hearty chili. I you prefer a more brothy texture, add a cup of V-8 or tomato juice.

     Serve with cornbread or tortilla chips and a sprinkle of cheese.




    Although I love music, I don't listen to it as much as I should. And I SHOULD listen to more, because like dark chocolate, Tina Fey and well made boots, music makes me happy. Everyone knows that happy people are friendly people. Then we smile instead of scowling, which is good for other people. Then other people are happy and they skip through fields and hug dolphins and stuff. And all the princesses kiss toads and live happily ever after with their pet toads and tiaras and Jimmy Choos. The End.

    The point here is that I need some new shoes.

    Oh, and I want to share with you some music that makes me happy.

    ZZ Ward rocks this song. She rocks it hard. Plus, this chick has STYLE. Loving her singing "Put the Gun Down".



    This is a Denver band that I heard on 93.3 (great local station). Churchill is their name and being awesome is their game. May I present their song "Change":



    And I will wrap it up with The Lumineers because I heart The Lumineers (one of the members is from Fort Collins, you know). This song, "Stubborn Love", melts my heart and makes me want to play a tambourine while singing harmony.


    That's a wrap!

    Peace, Love and Happiness,
    Johi

    Friday, March 1, 2013

    This Is Why I Need Ginkgo Biloba.

    Everyone forgets things.

    It happens every day. People forget where they put their keys or their wallet. People forget whether or not they turned off the coffee pot. People forget how old they are...

    Ahem.

    It is normal to be listening to Pandora radio on you smart phone and suddenly need to make a call. You commence in a one handed panicky search because you forgot that you are holding your phone, the very phone you are desperately searching for, with the other hand.

    It is standard human error to scour the house for your glasses, only to find them hanging around your neck, perched on top of your head, or sometimes even on your face.

    It is not uncommon to forget to take your Ginkgo Biloba pills that are supposed to help your memory, because.... what was I saying?

    However, most people that are working towards a specific goal don't forget that they actually reached that goal.

    Let me explain.

    I've been so wrapped up in the children's book that I illustrated, writing an original essay for the new book that I am part of and suffering from every seasonal illness in the Northern United States that I forgot that I was published in a book in December.

    YOU GUYS! I'M PUBLISHED!

    What kind of MORON forgets something like that?



    ^ This one ^
    


    ^ This one, too. ^
     
    This is why I need help. Well, this and so so many other reasons.
     
    Here is the book. You should buy it. Bex is in it with me, and her writing is so funny that I cannot make it through one post without snort-laugh-crying. Not one. Which reminds me of a letter that I have been wanting to write to Becky:
     
    Dear Becky,
     
    How are you? I am fine. (I started every letter of my youth with these two sentences. I was clearly a brilliant writer from the start.)
     
    For the love of all this is right in the world, please keep writing! WE NEED YOUR FUNNY! Your humor may very well be the key to that elusive "World Peace" that people, leprechauns and robots keep talking about.
     
    Now, get yer buns over to 'Merica! And bring me the Unicorn Head that you promised me so that we can finally wild stride together.
     
    Also, I look forward to smelling your hair.
     
    Peace, Love and Long Uncomfortable Hugs,
    Johi
     
     
    May I gently suggest that you get thyself over to Amazon and buy No Laughing Allowed (Life Well Blogged)? You can even get it for your Kindle! You can even buy me a Kindle and I will buy it for my Kindle! Whatever works for you! The proceeds are going to Sandy Relief. (Do you see how late to the party I am?) 
     
    I feel like I am forgetting to tell you all something else... where did I leave my coffee? 
     
    Did someone say waffles?
     
     
     
    I think it was Red Dog...
     
     

     Yum, waffles....