Snark is a weird word, sort of like fork.
In fact! Teri has an entire tribe of snarky followers, including myself, and she calls them Snarklings! I'm a Snarkling! That sounds like something from Star Trek!
Teri writes about a variety of topics, ranging from book reviews to totally douchebaggery to her beautiful, and equally smart and funny, teenage daughters. I think you all will LOVE her. Naturally, Teri is one of my co-authors from I Just Want to Pee Alone. She wrote the true story based on her actual life, "Kids and Cleaning: Just Kill Me Now". Dude, this story is so relatable, and my kids aren't even teenagers yet. Crap.
Her hair is fiery auburn,
Her skin in ivory pure.
Her eyes are pools of ocean blue.
Your blahs, her words will cure.
Teri is so lovely,
also snarky all day though.
You should buy her book
about alone time in the loo.
I also want you all to know that Teri is partially responsible for me cutting waaaaaaayyyy back on sugar and getting my tocks into shape. She set me up with the LeanMoms.com program. In fact, she is doing the program herself! GO TERI!
Teri Biebel was born in Philly, and raised in Jersey. She's 45 years old and after
working 24 years in the casino industry, wanted nothing more to do with slot machines, table
games and stealing people blind, so she left for the private sector. She's married and has
two amazing (and trying) teens, 15 & 13. Teri spends most of her time living like a circus clown,
juggling schedules and chauffeuring large groups of people in a 5 passenger car. She's sarcastic, she's snarky and her oldest has coined the term ‘Snarkastic’ to describe her. People tell her that she's funny and as long they don’t follow that up with the word “looking” shes' totally okay with it.
Let's get to the interview!
Johi: Why a blog? What inspired/motivated you to write?
Teri: Why not? I'll talk to anyone. I love the sound of my own voice and if I have to listen to me, why not put my voice out there for EVERYONE to listen to? When I first started working in my current job, I was asked to do some blogging (all about environmental issues, nothing says snark like saving the environment). So I did get a little blogging experience under my belt. What motivated me to start writing Snarkfest was the subject of my very first blog ever. I took my kids shopping for summer stuff. When I left the dressing room, they were little girls. When I got back to the dressing room with more clothes, they had blossomed into teenagers. That rant led to my first blog ever. And I've been ranting ever since. I like ranting and like to try to make my rants humorous so that people won't look at me and say 'shut the hell up already!'
Johi: If money were not an issue and you could do anything you wanted with your life, what would you do and why?
Teri: I would hire a maid to clean my house, then I'd hire someone to use a taser on any member of my family who dared to make a mess once the house has been cleaned. No, wait, that sounds too mean and violent. Maybe I'd just buy a NEW house and not let anyone else in so that it would always stay clean. It would be in Hawaii. On a beach. Definitely with a pool. And a pool boy. Is George Clooney free? I hope he's not allergic to chlorine. I'd hire a personal trainer to kick my ass back into shape, a cook to make me all sorts of healthy and delicious meals because I'm too Goddamn lazy to do it myself, and seriously, if money wasn't an issue, I'd hire Mike Rowe to be my personal man-slave. Massages, odd jobs, read to me, he'd be kept busy.
Johi: What characteristics do you look for in your friends?
Teri: Honesty, wit, and money. Honesty because I absolutely hate liars with a passion. Wit because I love to laugh and I love to make others laugh. And money because I deserve to be taken care of and treated to stuff. So basically if you're a lying poor bastard with no sense of humor, you ain't no friend of mine.
Johi: What traits of yours do you hope to pass along to your daughters?
Teri: I am truly thrilled that I've passed on my sense of humor to my girls. They get my snarky humor and they have the ability to think fast on their feet and come back with some great, witty one-liners and come-backs. Of course I can't take full credit. My hubby is funny as well, so we laugh a lot in our house. Usually at one another.
Johi: What traits of yours do you hope skips a generation?
Teri: I'm drawing a complete blank on this question. Is there a replacement question I could answer? Like 'what's my favorite candy bar?' THAT would be so much easier. It's Cadbury Milk Chocolate. I have no idea what trait I'd want my grandchildren to have that my children don't have. My children are wonderful but sometimes drive me batshit crazy. I definitely hope my grandchildren get that trait. My mother always said "I hope you have a child just like you" and now I get it. I do. I have 2. The talking in endless. I hope my grandchildren are just as talkative as I was and as my kids are. Every child deserves to have that, it should be a law.
Johi: Where do you clip your toenails?
In my 15 year-old daughter's bed. Where else? There's nothing that warms my heart more than hearing her cry out as a jagged nail pokes her in the butt while she's sleeping. I wear my 'Mom of the Decade" tiara with pride.
Johi: Tell me how you feel about dragons and unicorns.
Teri: When I was little my Mom took me to see the Disney movie, Pete's Dragon, and that's my earliest memory of a dragon. He was cute and innocent. Then I saw Godzilla and thought, 'that's not cute! What's up with that?' Scarred me for life. Now I hate dragons. But is Godzilla considered a dragon? I don't know. I just know I don't like them now.
Unicorns are just cute rhinos, aren't they? The rhino gets a bad rep because they're always charging after people and skewering them like a shishkabob with that horn, but seriously, the unicorn could very well do the same thing! I'm not sure why everybody thinks unicorns are all that. They shit rainbows and fly, but deep down, they're no better than the rhino. Rhinos have big asses and are battleship grey. No rhino can compete with a unicorn, but I'll bet unicorns are stuck-up creatures (much like high school cheerleaders) who look down on rhinos. And that's just wrong.
Johi: Who would play you in the movie of your life?
Teri: The lead actresses from the movie The Heat. I would LOVE to have Sandra Bullock star as me, she seems so down to earth and self-deprecating like I am, but it would most likely be Melissa McCarthy, because she's built more like me and has that snarky streak.
I'd REALLY prefer Michael Clarke Duncan to have played me but he's dead, God rest his soul. He'd have NAILED the part of me.
Johi: What is your superpower? What superpower do you wish you possessed?
Teri: I am Super-Snark, able to reach new lows in a single bound. I would love to have the power of invisibility so that I could go up to someone who can't see me and slap the shit out of them. THAT would be one awesome super power. Invisible bitch slapping. I could medal in it if it was an Olympic sport.
Johi: What is on your nightstand (that includes the inside of any drawers)?
Teri: Beneath the 3 inches of dust is my collection of birthday cards from this year (and last year) my iPod clock radio, ear plugs and TV remotes. Inside the drawers are my drawers. And inside the inside of my special secret drawers are stuff that may or may not go INTO my drawers, if you know what I mean. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.
Johi: When you use the use the restroom in people's homes, do you peek in the medicine cabinet?
Teri: Only if I'm looking for Tylenol. Or crack. Or meth. Whatever, sometimes I need floss and I need it NOW. And if it happens to be in the medicine cabinet next to their HUGE stockpile of Oxycontin or Xanax, who am I to judge?
Johi: What is your guilty pleasure?
Teri: See the answer to what's in my nightstand. Just kidding. But not really. So I do this thing where I obsess over stuff. For example, when Michael Phelps won all those gold medals in the 2008 Olympics, I wanted to know all about him, I bought a DVD that I never watched, I even wrote to his mother! I recently got Netflix streaming on my computer and have become obsessed with Bones. I can't get enough of David Boreanaz. I was that way with Mike Rowe once I started watching Dirty Jobs. So in a nutshell, once I find a show/star/athlete I like, I do everything in my power to learn as much about that person as I can. Then I move on to the next. Sorta love 'em and leave 'em.
And eventually I'll watch that Michael Phelps DVD. Nice marketing scheme, well-played, NBC.
Johi: If you were stranded on an island, what three things/people would you want to have with you and why?
Teri: First and foremost I'd have Mike Rowe with me. That man can help birth a baby cow, sterilize a sheep, make chocolate and bologna, he can do it all. Not sure if I'd actually NEED someone who could sterilize a sheep, or birth a baby cow, but he's so damn hot and he sounds so awesome. He's resourceful, see, so he could find things to make a fire, he'd keep me warm and sing some opera to me. Hell, he could read the phone book to me and it would turn me on.
Next, I'd need a laptop with a power supply that could hook up to a solar panel (which Mike will make because he's creative and resourceful like that) so we'd have access to Pandora and ESPN.com. I'd need to know how my Phillies are doing in the race for the Pennant. Mike and I would sway to the music playing on Pandora as we danced at sunset by the fire he made us, while eating steak and veal from the cow he helped birth. (Sorry, vegans).
Lastly, in my head we've been shipwrecked, just the two of us, from a ship that carried nothing but Godiva chocolates and good red wine. And the whole stash of wine (WITH CORKSCREWS) and chocolates from the ship would be washed on the shore with us. Mike and I would get old and fat together eating chocolates, drinking red wine, and talking about who the best captain on Deadliest Catch would be.
Johi: What has been your greatest 'defining moment' and why?
Teri: Wow, that's a tough one. I'm sure if I was a normal apron-wearing, chicken-cooking June Cleaver type mom I'd have to say the birth of my darling children. But I'm not, so screw that. Probably my greatest 'defining moment' was when Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat emailed me to let me know that she wanted to put me in a book. She thought my crap was funny enough to be included in a book with, honestly, a bunch of hilarious bitches who crack me up on a regular basis. Seriously, I feel like I'm sitting at the cool kids table, that someone I admire finds my stuff funny enough to be included with the likes of Patti from Insane in the MomBrain, Karen from Baby Sideburns, Michelle fromYou're My Favorite Today and YOU, J-Cock. I'm totally honored to be considered funny enough to be grouped in with you ladies, and for people whose blogs I love to read to consider me good enough. It's made me feel like people recognize and give me credit for being funny. And that's pretty damn cool.
Johi: Awe thanks. I like you too. Which essay in I Just Want to Pee Alone is your favorite and why?
Teri: The essay in the book that comes right after mine is my absolute favorite. It's called 'Love, Tears and a Few Scattered Ashes' by Meredith Spidel of The Mom of the Year. Oh my God it's awesome. It's poignant, sad, moving and absolutely freaking hilarious. Two others that made me laugh out loud are 'Bubble Baths and Shaved Legs' from Rebecca Gallagher of Frugalista Blog (who I LOVE!!) and 'Parenting is Taboo' from Bethany Meyer of I Love Them Most When They're Sleeping. I was lucky enough to meet Meredith and Julie from Rants from Mommyland and appear on TV with them (which was so cool and so scary!) Those bitches are awesome, no lie.
One of my favorite posts on Snarkfest is one I wrote in October which created a little controversy between some peace-loving life coaches and me. It's called Positive Panties. And I wasn't afraid to release the snark:
*Note from Johi: I would totally buy those panties. I thought they were hilarious.
Check out more of Teri (sexy whistle noise inserted here) by clicking the links below!