Thursday, August 8, 2013

The Trouble with Unsolicited Advice is the A$$holes that Give It.

An Open Letter to All the Unsolicited Advice Givers, Specifically that Judgy Biz-nitch at Cost Cutters:

I would not call myself a kid person.

I would call myself a horse person, a dog person, an animal lover, an artist, a book lover, a nature person... but not a kid person. 

It's not that I don't like kids. It's just that sometimes... well, I don't like kids.

That is, until I had my own. When I became a mother, I went beyond liking kids.

I love kids.
Specifically, I love my kids.

I love them so fiercely that I would throw myself in front of a garbage truck for them. I love them so wholeheartedly that I overcame my fears of phlegm, poop, vomit and a variety of other unbeknownst to me bodily fluids to care for them. I love them so abundantly that I often think I should have more children before I get 100%  old, crusty and curmudgeony, because I love the sight of little legs running and their blonde hair flopping. I love them so deeply that I set boundaries for them and follow through with my actions, no matter how tired or overworked I am. I love them so much that I have missed sleep, a social life, showers, eating hot meals, sex and my entire pre-children lifestyle- including my hobbies and my horses- and I still am hopelessly devoted to my little people. They are also really cute and sweet and squeezable... and those tiny high pitched voices are the freaking adorable.

In all sincerity, having kids has been the best decision I've ever made in my life. It's also been the hardest thing I've ever done.

Kids are needy. Kids are loving. Kids are loud. Kids are hilarious. Kids are hungry. Kids are silly. Kids are draining. Yet kids can enrich your life and make it better than you ever imagined. Kids will embarrass you beyond belief, then fill you with so much pride that you think your heart will burst.

This is the never-ending dichotomy of parenthood. 
All parents know this.

Time with children is fleeting. Youth is precious. Innocence is quickly lost and often replaced with ego and self doubt. 

This, I know.
Again, all parents know.

This is why, when well meaning onlookers purse their lips in judgement and instruct annoying things like, "Enjoy every moment" and  "They grow up so fast", I try my hardest not to snarl at them. 

Easier said than done.

As a parent, as a human, it is not possible to enjoy every moment; which is why I choose to enjoy my good moments with my children. I engage with them on a daily basis. I play with them. I read to them. I show them the things that I love. I take interest in the things that they love. I talk to them. I listen to them, even when they are talking about Transformers. I take lots of pictures. We go many places together to have new adventures and experiences as a family. I enjoy those moments. I also enjoy when they are playing quietly and sleeping, or when they are safely with a sitter and my husband and I are drinking margaritas on a breezy patio, because I am not a raging bag of falsification.

My family is beautiful, happy, healthy & I am incredibly blessed. This I know. I do not need to be reminded, or rather, reprimanded, by strangers. 

So THANK YOU, but I do not need to be told that my children's youth is fleeting. I may be blonde and look vapid or stupid to you, but I do indeed realize that my children's youth is not eternal. In fact, just the other day, I sat on the floor and wept because my oldest is going to Kindergarten and my youngest to Pre-School and it makes me so unbelievably sad. 

I also realize that you, lady at Cost Cutters, would not appreciate it if I had let my child destroy those blocks in the manner that he had intended, which would have sent them flying at mach speed into your bare shins. He does this often with his toys, and it is a method of fierce play that I am advising against, because I am actively PARENTING him and would like him to have friends at school. Quite frankly, my reprimand was as gentle as motherfucking butterfly wings. 

So shut your pie hole, stifle your judgement, and get your kids the same cheap, crappy haircut that I'm getting mine. You are not better than me. Nor am I about to believe for one moment that your kids never annoy you.

Peace, Love and Fuck Off,


  1. I LOVE this post! And yes, i've totally been there. Your post almost made me tear up at the end. I will have two high schoolers this year which doesn't even seem possible and my youngest boys (total momma's boys by the way) are 5 and 3 and I practically cry myself to sleep over them growing up....sigh.

    1. Thanks Kristin. It is hard enough to be a parent. We just don't need all that extra BS from people!

  2. Replies
    1. Thank you. I let it marinate for a week before I wrote about it. Something about perspective with distance... or some crap like that. :)

  3. Dude, I love your blog, Johi! The laughter you give to your readers is priceless! All I've got to say is TRUE THAT sister! Thank you for the great giggle...I'm sure I will be coming back to this in the next couple weeks when school starts. Hope to see you soon!

    1. Thanks Amy! I think we all may need this after school starts! Ugh.

  4. I've always maintained I love MY kids, but generally can't stand anyone else's. Because I can't discipline them without police involvement. So I TOTALLY LOVE this post!

    1. Ahh! So you are not a teacher, like me? :) I'm glad you can relate!

  5. I think all parents everywhere have felt this at some point. I, too, would throw myself in front of a garbage truck (haha) for my kids, but DAMN they get on my last nerve sometimes. I overheard my daughter telling my husband one afternoon after I'd sent her for some (me) alone time, "I'm frustrating Mommy. She doesn't like me right now. She loves me, but she doesn't like me."

    Smart girl. :)

    1. Anyone who says that they haven't felt this way is lying. I truly believe that.

      You're daughter seems like a perceptive little nugget!

  6. True. I've always hated people who say those things. B/c they're idiots.

    1. It's a set up to make whomever it is being said to feel like they are doing something wrong. Not cool.

  7. I love love LOVE my kids. But I do not love them acting like asshats. I will never enjoy those moments. And when I look back when I'm on my deathbed, I still won't wish I enjoyed them.

    Because they sucked.

    And that makes the amazing moments that much more amazing!



  8. You should have let him have at the blocks, then looked at her and said, "HOW ARE YOU ENJOYING THIS MOMENT MOTHERFUCKER?" Extra points for wearing some kind of Tina Turner Thunderdome ensemble.