You know when you see a celebrity on a talk show or read an article about them and you think to yourself, "We would so totally be friends in real life"? Well, Patti Ford of the hilarious "Insane in the Mom-Brain" is one of those celebrities. You guys, I'm not afraid to say it. I love me some Patti. If you are unfamiliar with her blog, get thyself there immediately and read. And for the love of all things guud and holey, follow this woman on facebook. Her rambling train of thought status updates consistently provide me with laughter, some snorting and lots of warm fuzzies.
My friend (a self proclaimed celebrity) pronounces 'celebrity' like 'celebriTIE". Please reread that first paragraph and use the latter pronunciation.
|Me with a celebri-TIE|
Patti doesn't know it yet, but I am going to make her sign my cleavage bone when we meet in Chicago in two weeks. Then together we will prancercise around Chi-town, only stopping for tandem bike rides, small children with balloons and hot dog vendors. I'm going to forgo the camel toe though, because... reasons.
Patti and I interviewed at first by phone, where she said all kinds of funny and brilliant things but I'm not using them because she yelled at me for making writers talk because writers are GOOD AT WRITING, NOT TALKING. Then we talked for two hours and probably solved all of the world's problems but unfortunately, both Patti and I are people that say things and immediately forget them so neither of us will ever know. Because she scolded me, I then emailed her the questions and below are her written answers. I'll be typing up Patti's original verbal answers and selling the unabridged version of this interview to the highest bidder on Ebay as soon as I cross all of that other shit to do off of my get'er done list. All of the proceeds will go to Patti's dream of having a miniature donkey farm. Or I'll buy some shoes and a new laptop because mine kicked the bucket. TomAto, tomAHto.
J: What is the appeal of writing? Tell us about your writing journey from literacy to current day.P: I write much better than I talk. I have this special little path that sends stuff from my brain to my fingers before I even realize what it was that I thought. It's like a blue slip and slide from brain to keyboard. A slip and slide that has vegetable oil on it for extra speediness. Remember those FedEx commercials in the 80's where that guy with the awesome mustache talked so fast your brain nearly exploded? That's how fast my thoughts get to the keyboard. Sometimes when I read something that I wrote I am surprised because I didn't even know what I wrote until I read it. But the path that goes from my brain to my mouth is all potholey and forky and roadblocky and there is road construction and police checkpoints and unlawful search and seizures. I have to make sounds and pronounce things correctly and talk at a normal speed so that people understand me. I have to feed off of their social cues and facial expressions and process it which sometimes changes what I'm planning to say or do. When I write I am in a bubble and I say what I want when I want and it's organic and honest and natural and it's me. Writing is good.As for the "journey" portion of this question: Really? Is this Oprah? It sounds very serious and grown-up and I can't answer it.J: If you needed to supplement your income through stripping, what would your stripper name be and what would be your signature move?P: I've always been partial to the name Boom Boom McGillicutty. I think it's from Happy Days or something. I've always liked it. But I also think the name Princess PrettyKnockers would work out well too. The "Princess" part lends it a certain je ne sais quoi. Plus, it means I get to wear a crown and have a gown with so many layers of fluffy skirt stuff underneath it that everyone goes to sleep by the time I get it all off, which is awesome, because I don't want strange creepers seeing me naked. My signature move would be a spork to the taint of anyone who tries to touch me.
J: What/who is your spirit animal?P: Those tiny little goats on youtube that keep running in circles and climbing all over each other.J: Describe your perfect day.P: A good poop, a beach, a make-out session with Norman Reedus, and endless Modelo brought to me by tiny monkeys wearing Hawaiian shirts.J: Who is your writing inspiration and why?P: Rick Bragg. He's. My. Idol. It's hard to believe that he uses the same words that I do. Seriously. We speak the same freaking language, but he knows how to piece the words together and make something beautiful. I will read each paragraph 10 times before I move on to the next. There is a quote from him that says something like "To tell a story right you have to lean the words against each other so they don't fall down." His words never fall down and I never get tired of reading them. I want to meet him so bad I could spit on a kitten.
J: What is Patti's Secret to Life?P: Laughter. Duh. I laugh at everything. You have to laugh at everything. Even stuff that you are ashamed to admit to anyone that you laugh at. The stuff that seems too awful to be funny? That's the stuff you need to laugh about the most. No matter how terrible something is, I think that if you can't get through the muck of it and find a little piece of humor in it, that thing is going to haunt you forever.J: GAME TIME~ Would you rather:Climb a stair machine or climb a mountain?P: Stair machine. I will hurt myself on both, but there isn't as far to fall when I fall off of the stair machine. I've been to mountains. That's a long ass way to tumble. And there are mean goats and stuff on some of those. And snow. And you can get stranded up there and then have to eat each other. That won't happen if you fall off of a machine. You just yell "Help!" or dial 911 or maybe stop being such a pussy and just get up and go watch some tv.J: 5 STAR restaurant or backyard BBQ?P: Backyard BBQ. No contest. I hate dressing up and fancy food is usually weird.J: Country or city?P: Depends on my mood. I like both. I like the city because I can see all of the things and do all of the things and eat all of the things and talk to all of the people. But I feel very peaceful and calm in the country. Until I see snakes or scary shit like that.J: Road trip or jet plane?P: Road trip. I love a good road trip. BUT I have to have a fun, chatty, singy, partner who likes to stop and look at stuff. If I'm with a bore, just fly me there fast.J: Road Runner or Wile E. Coyote?P: Road Runner. Unless I'm PMS-y in which case I would find him to be too annoying.J: Unipone (a unicorn mating with a pony) or mini-donkecorn (A miniature donkey crossed with a unicorn)?P: Duh.J: Top or bottom?P: Bunk? Top. I don't want anyone farting on me. But I need one of those rails so I don't roll out in my sleep.J: What is your superpower? What superpower do you desire?P: I am a good vibe-getter. I can feel people out pretty quickly. Tell a good egg from a bad egg. Sense a bullshitter. I usually know if I like someone in the first 5 minutes. 97.321% of the time I am right about people. I just totally pulled that number outta my ass but it' sounds pretty right. I WISH I was able to make Modelo come out of my fingers and also be invisible so that I can spy on people.
J: How are you preparing for the zombie apocalypse?P: Every time I go into a building I scan it and plan what I will do if the apocalypse happens while I am in there. I scan the area for things I could use as weapons, or people that look badass that I can hook up with. I decide who will die first and who will just slow my team down. For example, in an airport restaurant one night, The Hub and i assigned some classic horror movie character types to every person in the dining room with us. We knew who would do what and how it would all go down. That is what i do. I also watch lots of zombie flicks. I feel totally prepared and quite sure that in reality I would die within the first 5 seconds.
J: What is your strongest survival skill?P: Talking my way out of things. I am pretty sure that if someone ever kidnapped me I could get them to let me go or at least just keep me around as a funny sidekick and not for murdering or body part eating.J: Which essay in I Just Want to Pee Alone resonated the most with you and why?P: I told you that I LOATHE these kind of questions. I do not like to pick people out over other people. It makes my insides hurt. It's like Sophie's Choice to me, except I don't think you are going to murder the ones that I don't pick. ARE YOU PLANNING TO MURDER THE ONES I DON'T PICK? Is that what you do? Do you murder people and use their bodies to fertilize your corn fields? Is that why you're so obsessed with eating corn? Is it people corn? ARE YOU A SICKO??? You know I don't wanna do this. At all. But just to make you happy I will tell you that I love the way Julianna writes. She knows how to lean words against each other so they don't fall down. And she's funny as poop.