Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Cages, Bubble Wands and Goo Be Gone

You know when you make one change and that change instigates another change and then all of a sudden you might be a completely different person than you were a week ago?

Okay, so maybe not COMPLETELY different because you still like fart jokes and bad TV, but you feel... I don't know... maybe a little better?

I think I made some change for the better.

Thing 1 and I turned into fish.



First and foremost, my husband is building me a cage. I'm really excited about it. It is a cage for escape. It is for solitude. It is for writing. And if I have to use it during my period I will call it my "Rage Cage". I've been confusing my instagram and facebook friends for awhile now with a slow progression of odd photos of said cage.

Stage 1. Stop drooling over the hotness of Brock.
Look at his pole. It's huge.


In all reality, it is going to be a screened in sleeping porch that I plan on calling "The Zen Den". I'll probably use it to escape all Brock's "seasonal allergy" *cough- BOOZE* induced snoring. And I plan to lock myself away from the Things when they are particularly feral. The lock will be on the inside and I will be storing some smutty books, wine and dark chocolate in there. Needless to say, I'm excited.

Stage 7. Yes, I'm using my child's head as an arm rest. Shhh. He likes it.

B.) This super beautiful, amazing, generous friend of mine sent me a Bubble Wand. "What, pray tell, is a Bubble Wand?" you ask. And I respond, "What EXACTLY does pray tell mean?"

A Bubble Wand is a majestic hair utensil that turns fugly, lifeless hair into full, curly fabulousnous. Seriously. It's a curling iron that looks sorta like anal beads but it get SUPER hot so I'm not suggesting anything to you twisted freaks out there. IT IS THE BEST HAIR THINGY EVER! It gives you imperfect beach waves. It made me feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, but without all that hookery business. It kind of resembles a black unicorn horn that has been sanded down for safety, because everyone knows that unicorn horns are supposed to be white so a black one probably means that the unicorn belongs to a dark Lord. Like SATAN.

Anyhoo, the Bubble Wand is made by Verge by One and they even have a nifty YouTube video that shows you how to use it like a non-moron. I totally had to watch the video. Then I put on some rockin' 80's music and my Ghostbusters shirt that I found for $2.99 at Target and made THIS happen:

Who you gonna call?
Please don't call the psychiatric ward. I'm fine, really. I am.
This would have been way more impressive had I taken a before picture of my limp hair.

But WAIT! I'm not done yet! I spent two days doing crazy things like exercising in 90+ degree heat, sleeping, and wearing hats. After TWO DAYS of sweating profusely glowing like an angel, my hair looked like THIS:

First of all, I wear ridiculous clothes- these are pj's though, so that makes it better, right?
Secondly, notice how I'm too tired to smile or open my eyes? No?
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO BUSY LOOKING AT MY AWESOME HAIR.

Lastly, my first week with LeanMoms went well. I'm working out like a mofo and have (mostly) cut processed food and sugar out of my diet (see sedated picture of me above). I love the fact that the menu and workout plan is all laid out for you, which saves me on all that pesky research and decision making. 

I've decided to go balls out and log in my daily food, water and exercise. I'm using an app called MyFitnessPal and strangely enough, I really like it. Logging in every bite that I shove in my cramhole is making me feel all accountable and responsible and shit.

I have not lost any weight (I don't really expect to lose much), but I am gaining muscle and losing inches. I've lost an inch around my under boob waist. (I believe that we all have multiple waist lines. As mine go down, they get fluffier and more angry.) My friend even told me that I looked like I was "shedding some goo." GOO BE GONE! But seriously, the goo needs to leave my BOTTOM half.

Presenting... my man arms:

Day 1
Day 8


I am nine days into LeanMoms and I would honestly recommend this program to you. The fact that LeanMoms has everything laid out for you, complete with how-to videos on their site, makes the fee worthwhile. Plus, my back is feeling stable and I'm pretty sure that I will soon be able to totally Ninja kick my husband's ass into making progress on my cage. And that makes me happy.

Peace Out Girl (and Boy) Scouts!

Johi





7 comments:

  1. First of all, I want that Rage Cage, zen house thing. Except in the city it might be my Come-Bum house. Love the hair. You are so standing behind me at BlogHer and taking a photo. And third, nice work in a week - lookin' good! See you soon!

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  2. Omg, your hair looks bitchin!! I want one of those anal bead thingies. And you really can see less goo in the second picture.. not that you *needed* to lose any goo. You are virtually goo-less already.

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  3. Your hair looks so cute! I need the bubble wand! For my hair, not weird stuff.

    You look great!

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  4. Love the hair! Love the tush!

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  5. Do you use the social aspect of myfitnesspal? I find it helps a lot ad is kind of fun. Lemme know if you want to. I use it every day and we could encourage each other!

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    1. But then you would know how much alcohol I drink.

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  6. Cramhole. I love it. I just got a FitBit Zip and finally was shamed into tracking my calories too. It's helping. You go over and it's all, "Whoa, there fatty! Go run around the block a few times and then we'll talk about that cookie, mkay?" The hair is beautiful, and I'm crazy jealous of your rage den!

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