Okay, so maybe not COMPLETELY different because you still like fart jokes and bad TV, but you feel... I don't know... maybe a little better?
I think I made some change for the better.
|Thing 1 and I turned into fish.|
First and foremost, my husband is building me a cage. I'm really excited about it. It is a cage for escape. It is for solitude. It is for writing. And if I have to use it during my period I will call it my "Rage Cage". I've been confusing my instagram and facebook friends for awhile now with a slow progression of odd photos of said cage.
|Stage 1. Stop drooling over the hotness of Brock.|
Look at his pole. It's huge.
In all reality, it is going to be a screened in sleeping porch that I plan on calling "The Zen Den". I'll probably use it to escape all Brock's "seasonal allergy" *cough- BOOZE* induced snoring. And I plan to lock myself away from the Things when they are particularly feral. The lock will be on the inside and I will be storing some smutty books, wine and dark chocolate in there. Needless to say, I'm excited.
|Stage 7. Yes, I'm using my child's head as an arm rest. Shhh. He likes it.|
B.) This super beautiful, amazing, generous friend of mine sent me a Bubble Wand. "What, pray tell, is a Bubble Wand?" you ask. And I respond, "What EXACTLY does pray tell mean?"
A Bubble Wand is a majestic hair utensil that turns fugly, lifeless hair into full, curly fabulousnous. Seriously. It's a curling iron that looks sorta like anal beads but it get SUPER hot so I'm not suggesting anything to you twisted freaks out there. IT IS THE BEST HAIR THINGY EVER! It gives you imperfect beach waves. It made me feel like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, but without all that hookery business. It kind of resembles a black unicorn horn that has been sanded down for safety, because everyone knows that unicorn horns are supposed to be white so a black one probably means that the unicorn belongs to a dark Lord. Like SATAN.
Anyhoo, the Bubble Wand is made by Verge by One and they even have a nifty YouTube video that shows you how to use it like a non-moron. I totally had to watch the video. Then I put on some rockin' 80's music and my Ghostbusters shirt that I found for $2.99 at Target and made THIS happen:
|Who you gonna call?|
Please don't call the psychiatric ward. I'm fine, really. I am.
This would have been way more impressive had I taken a before picture of my limp hair.
But WAIT! I'm not done yet! I spent two days doing crazy things like exercising in 90+ degree heat, sleeping, and wearing hats. After TWO DAYS of
sweating profusely glowing like an angel, my hair looked like THIS:
|First of all, I wear ridiculous clothes- these are pj's though, so that makes it better, right?|
Secondly, notice how I'm too tired to smile or open my eyes? No?
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO BUSY LOOKING AT MY AWESOME HAIR.
Lastly, my first week with LeanMoms went well. I'm working out like a mofo and have (mostly) cut processed food and sugar out of my diet (see sedated picture of me above). I love the fact that the menu and workout plan is all laid out for you, which saves me on all that pesky research and decision making.
I've decided to go balls out and log in my daily food, water and exercise. I'm using an app called MyFitnessPal and strangely enough, I really like it. Logging in every bite that I shove in my cramhole is making me feel all accountable and responsible and shit.
I have not lost any weight (I don't really expect to lose much), but I am gaining muscle and losing inches. I've lost an inch around my under boob waist. (I believe that we all have multiple waist lines. As mine go down, they get fluffier and more angry.) My friend even told me that I looked like I was "shedding some goo." GOO BE GONE! But seriously, the goo needs to leave my BOTTOM half.
Presenting... my man arms:
I am nine days into LeanMoms and I would honestly recommend this program to you. The fact that LeanMoms has everything laid out for you, complete with how-to videos on their site, makes the fee worthwhile. Plus, my back is feeling stable and I'm pretty sure that I will soon be able to totally Ninja kick my husband's ass into making progress on my cage. And that makes me happy.
Peace Out Girl (and Boy) Scouts!