Wednesday, July 10, 2013

ABSolutely Flabulous

So many factors deter many mom's from their fitness goals. Our excuses are plentiful.

Money.
I have no extra MONEY for a gym membership.

Time.
I have no TIME to work out.

Worry.
I'm WORRIED about a life insurance policy, a college fund and raising a functional human being. I'm worried that I'm getting old and fat but I'm too worried about everything else to make myself a priority. I'm worried about how much I worry.

I've fallen prey to all of this thinking. We probably all have. And I have the bulky waist and jiggly ass to prove it. So here's my plan:

I'm not spending time or money on a gym membership, instead I'm investing in my health and wellness through what I am calling "My Rocky Routine". As in the Sylvester Stallone movie, not the tiny animated squirrel.

That's right. Brock is shipping me off to a tiny cabin in the mountains where I will be performing a variety of homeowner / lumberjack tasks in a parka and Sorels.

Nah. That's not necessary! We LIVE in a tiny cabin in the west that is chock full of manual labor! Yay us! I regularly spend half of my day dragging hoses, yanking weeds, lifting 30 lbs over my head, cleaning manure and raking/sweeping/ scrubbing/ moving moving moving.

In reality, I'm already doing a crap ton of manual labor here (see my man arms), but I'm still not prepared for the inevitable return of the crop top. Also, walking the dog 3-6 days a week for 3-4 miles is apparently no longer cutting the mustard. And then there is the impending Zombie Apocolyse. No one ever out-power-walks a zombie during an attack. No. To better prepare myself in all ways I've decided to implement a little change.

That's why I started jogging three weeks ago.

Or maybe "yogging", with a soft "j".

Also, I joined the 12 week LeanMoms program and started it on Monday.

Don't throw a boot at me, but I'm not trying to lose weight. With my gluten-free lifestyle (you know, because a body full of hives sucks hairy donkey balls), I'm comfortable with my weight. What I am not comfortable with is my chronic back pain, lack of core muscle, sloppy waistline, strong cravings for sugar, poor sleep habits and the occasional need for spanx.

I hate spanx.

No. I LOATHE SPANX.

Ultimately, I want to spend my life feeling great and being naked as much as possible.

Brock's excited about that prospect as well.

I also have a strong genetic tendency towards cancer and heart disease and all I have to say about that is "Fuck that shit!". This mama needs to stick around. I have three boys to keep in line. Yes, I'm including Brock in that headcount. I can't imagine how many dirty socks would be on the living room rug if I wasn't here to yell "PICK UP YOUR NASTY ASS SOCKS!"

It's one of the many services that I provide here. For the greater good of society.

So, I will be chronicling my adventures with health and wellness for your entertainment, information and hopefully inspiration. I encourage you to join in with me. We can text about our sore muscles and inches lost! Together, we can lament the removal of sugar and processed food! We can help each other be better, more energetic moms and hotter women. Scorching, baby. HAWT.
Oh yeah, I've already lost half an inch from my tiny, pathetic bust line. Go me.


Are you ready for my "Before" pictures?

Here ya go:
BEFORE LeanMoms.com
If you think I'm showing you a picture of me in a bikini, you're on crack.
Note the strategically placed sweatshirt...
This was taken Memorial Day Weekend, for the record.

Check out LeanMoms.com and start on your own path to better health, wellness and physique today!

Peace, Love and Fitness,
Johi

6 comments:

  1. I, too, have started the path to a non- spanx life! Spanx were invented to torture us. And I say NAY!

    Also, I'm in a wedding next month so shit just got real.

    You're looking fabulous by the way!

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. Unfortunately, as much as I hate the spanx, it is helpful at holding back the pudge. I just am done with the pudge.
      Have fun in the wedding! I love weddings. Love. Mawwaige. Freshness. So sweet.

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  2. And now I want a British show called Ab Flab.

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    1. Too bad neither of us our British! I have a feeling you can fake the accent though...

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  3. I feel your pain ... my mid-section is my greatest battle. If only I could transplant some gut/hip up a bit ...

    Nice workout clothes help motivate me ... 'cause I aint spending the big $ to have only Hubby & Bubby see them! Warning: buying good quality gear (read: pricey)can become quite the addiction in itself. So says my credit card after visiting Lululemon.com this morning.

    XO

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    1. Firstly- you're totally hawt. Secondly, I bought new shoes and am stopping there. The Natural Area by my house and the bowflex in my creepy ass garage don't warrant anything nice! ha!

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