You know when people use the phrase "totes adorbs" and you kind of want to punch them in their cakehole? Well, Kristen from Life on Peanut Layne is TOTES ADORBS so you're just going to have to smack me square in the kisser.
Seriously, if I could stick her in my pocket and take her everywhere with me, just to hear her take on the situation, I would. She looks tiny and I have big pockets. I'll bet it would work.
|See? TOTES ADORBS.|
Kristen is a busy wife and mom of five kids, whose ages range from 16 to 3. Let's all take a moment and let that soak in. FIVE KIDS from 16 to 3. I know people that can't even keep houseplants alive and this woman is raising five people! I want to give her an award for that accomplishment alone. Plus, she says things like "kick them in the taco" and her tagline is "Providing laughter, entertainment and birth control to the entire neighborhood." If that doesn't make you want to learn more about her, I don't know what will.
She is a co-author in the fabulous book, I Just Want to Pee Alone, which would make a perfect Mother's Day gift for anyone that you know who has boobs and a sense of humor. Her essay, "The Mom-Chauffer", made me LOL. Literally, I LOLed. Now, Kristen confided in me that she often writes LOL when she doesn't actually LOL, but I never do; I'm always honest with my LOL's... and she made me LOL.
I also may have snorted.
Kristen is a self-proclaimed junk food junkie. She also told me that she is illiterate, but I don't believe her because she had to Google search Gary Busey and the only person home with her was her three-year-old (who I'm pretty sure can't read yet) and she found Busey very quickly. She grew up in a small town in Oregon that is know for its stench because of a paper factory. She now lives in Portland and loves having the easy access to Voodoo Donuts. Smelly factory.... donuts.... I'd pick the donuts too.
Kristen is hilarious, honest and in her own word, an "over-sharer". Since you are here, on my over-sharing blog, I know that you are going to love her. She told me regarding getting pregnant at 18, "In high school, I was the most likely to succeed, not the most likely to get knocked up. I went right from kid to mom." It's okay, in high school I thought that I would be rich by now, living on a horse ranch in Montana and flying to Europe every year. I suppose things don't always work out according to our own plans. What counts now is our awesomeness.... right? Yeah.
Johi: How and when did you first start writing?
Kristen: I started writing as an elementary school child. I grew up wanting to be a writer. I don't know what changed... I think I got hooked on the TV show Rescue 911. I wanted to be a paramedic even though I am afraid of blood. I went to school to be an x-ray technician and a certified medical assistant, but I wanted to puke on people whenever I had to draw their blood. It wasn't going to work out. The last thing that patients want when they are having blood drawn is for the medical assistant to vomit on them.My mom was a teacher and she wanted me to be a teacher, but I quickly realized that was not for me. I ended up back at writing.
Johi: What is your dream job?
Kristen: That's hard. I think I would be doing what I'm doing right now but getting paid a crap ton of money for it.
Johi: What is your worst job?
Kristen: Working at Taco Bell. I cleaned the bathrooms. That was gross. That is not a job I would recommend. The things people do in public restrooms is horrifying.
Johi: Did you clean the bathrooms before or after you handled the food?
Kristen: Haha! I worked at the drive-up window. I handled the food bags, but I think I washed my hands! I bleached my entire body every day after work. I quit after three weeks.
Johi: What is your greatest fear?
Kristen: I'm terrified of the dark. I would sleep with the light on if my husband would let me. As a kid, I went to this low budget creepy place called the Enchanted Forest. It was fairy tales/Mother Goose stuff. The was a rabbit hole cave that was totally dark and I have a memory of going into it and my cousin started screaming. I've been afraid of the dark ever since.
Johi: Beach, mountains or prairie?
Johi: Cake, pie or ice cream?
Kristen: Cake. Definitely.
Johi: What is scarier- the Clown from It, Gary Busey or Marilyn Manson?
Kristen: The clown. Clowns are really creepy.
Johi: I agree. Hey, what time is it? IT'S GAME TIME! Today we are playing Marry, Fuck or Kill! Your choices are.... wait for it.... the Clown from It, Gary Busey or Marilyn Manson!
Kristen: Ooooo. Those are my choices? I don't know who Gary Busey is... *googles Gary Busey*...ew!
Kill: Gary Busey.
Marilyn Manson probably fucks upside down...
The It Clown is looking like the best option all around.
Johi: What is your favorite thing to eat and drink?
Kristen: That's a hard one. I like just about everything, Okay, this is probably gross to most people, but I am secretly obsessed with Cadbury Cream Eggs and Junior Mints. As far as drinks: I'm a Diet Pepsi ADDICT. I will drive to the store on a school night if we are out. I would go crazy if I didn't get a Diet Pepsi. My husband has made emergency Diet Pepsi runs for me.
Johi: That sounds intense. You probably should never try meth. Next question: what is your least favorite house chore?
Kristen: Mopping the floors.
Johi: What celeb is your "free pass"?
Kristen: This is going to sound weird, but Jonathan Hillstrand from The Time Bandit on Deadliest Catch. Guys with mullets are typically not my type but he's... rugged.... sexy.
Johi: Probably a real man, I assume.
Kristen: Hell yes.
Johi: Would you rather have a person mop your floors until the end of time, win a 15 year supply of Cadbury Eggs and Diet Pepsi, or spend a month, child-free, on a beach with Jonathan Hillstrand?
Kristen: All of them, but I would eventually miss my kids. Just for a month though, right? I could probably handle that. Although I should probably say Diet Pepsi, in case my husband reads this.
Johi: Best of all time: Movie, Moment. Name, Book, and Jelly Belly Flavor?
Kristen: Movie: Elf- I love Will Ferrell
Moment: Of course, I should say the birth of my children, but each time that was a painful moment. Do I sound like a selfish bitch if I say, "Being in Kauai for a week"? Maybe I should pick a heartfelt Hallmark moment with my kids. I'm undecided. I should really think of something inspirational instead of saying, "When I got my iphone."
Name: My husband and I loved Layne. It is one of my favorites. My husband wanted Helmut after the band. Our parents told us that was child abuse to name our kid Helmut. I'm partial to Peanut. Our youngest always says, "I Peanut". He thinks his real name is Peanut. It's a tie between Peanut and Layne.
Book: I Just Want to Pee Alone, of course! I also love Carolyn Coppela's Minivans, Meltdowns and Merlot. I don't get a chance to read much. Maybe that is why I'm not as well-spoken as the other bloggers. I mostly read stuff like Goodnight Freaking Moon. People are probably going to think, "A blogger who doesn't read- OMG- IS SHE ILLITERATE?"
Jelly Belly Flavor: Sour Apple. The big jelly beans- red. Is that cherry?
Johi: Let's just say it is Red Dye #2 flavor.
Kristen: That explains a lot. Maybe that is why I can't read.
Johi: Who inspires you?
Kristen: So many people, but I was always inspired by Rosanne Barr. She is one of my favorite comedians and actresses. I'm a huge Rosanne fan.
Johi: What is your favorite essay in I Just Want to Pee Alone and why?
Kristen: They are all hilarious; I love things about each of them. RachRiot's "My Awkward Period" was my favorite though. I've had many embarrassing bathroom moments with my kids. She is so quick witted and funny. She should have her own show. Don't tell her, but for the longest time I thought her name was RatchRiot.
Johi: I won't say a word.
Get to know more of Kristen from Life on Peanut Layne on her blog, facebook and twitter. Read all 36 hilarious essays in I Just Want to Pee Alone and tell us which one is your favorite and why!