The Easter Bunny was on a very tight budget this year. There would be no adorable $25 stuffed animals from Pier One, no hard cover Easter books and no gourmet jelly beans from the expensive downtown candy store. The damn budget was so tight, in fact, that the sad-sack Bunny shopped at The Dollar Tree for the Easter goodies. After a mere 12 minutes of pushing a wobbly shopping cart down isles filled with canned green beans and off-brand packaged food, Hoppity Hopalong scored enough Easter shit to fill two baskets for $21! It was a success!
Do you know what wasn't a success? The two bags of cheap ass "milk chocolate" eggs. I put chocolate in quotes because I'm not convinced that the waxy ball of yuck that I shoved in my cramhole while filling the Easter Baskets was actually chocolate. I'm not entirely certain that said soapy brown egg was even an FDA approved food product.
Peta Cottontail even bought two bags of that crap. That's two entire dollars in the trash.
This choco-nono is clearly a disaster. The whole point of Easter candy is the act of gifting it to the children, then the parental duty of stealing the candy! This is not an display of selfishness, this a your parental obligation to protect Junior's precious teeth and control any Code Red energy level situations.
I cannot, with a clear conscience, steal and eat crappy candy. That is why I am simply throwing it away, which made the whole stupid frugal act of shopping and saving at The Dollar Tree a bit useless.
At least you can't screw up jelly beans. So there's that.
Easter Bunny even hid an entire bag of jelly beans in the pantry, just for ole Ma and Pa Wagner. The Big White Hare is forgiven, but not that one that grows out of my chin mole; that asshole and I have some shit to figure out.
Peace, Love and Big White Hares,