Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Oh, Easter Bunny, you cheap bastard.

The Easter Bunny was on a very tight budget this year. There would be no adorable $25 stuffed animals from Pier One, no hard cover Easter books and no gourmet jelly beans from the expensive downtown candy store. The damn budget was so tight, in fact, that the sad-sack Bunny shopped at The Dollar Tree for the Easter goodies. After a mere 12 minutes of pushing a wobbly shopping cart down isles filled with canned green beans and off-brand packaged food, Hoppity Hopalong scored enough Easter shit to fill two baskets for $21! It was a success!

Do you know what wasn't a success? The two bags of cheap ass "milk chocolate" eggs. I put chocolate in quotes because I'm not convinced that the waxy ball of yuck that I shoved in my cramhole while filling the Easter Baskets was actually chocolate. I'm not entirely certain that said soapy brown egg was even an FDA approved food product.

Peta Cottontail even bought two bags of that crap. That's two entire dollars in the trash.

This choco-nono is clearly a disaster. The whole point of Easter candy is the act of gifting it to the children, then the parental duty of stealing the candy! This is not an display of selfishness, this a your parental obligation to protect Junior's precious teeth and control any Code Red energy level situations.

I cannot, with a clear conscience, steal and eat crappy candy. That is why I am simply throwing it away, which made the whole stupid frugal act of shopping and saving at The Dollar Tree a bit useless.

*Sigh*

At least you can't screw up jelly beans. So there's that.

Easter Bunny even hid an entire bag of jelly beans in the pantry, just for ole Ma and Pa Wagner. The Big White Hare is forgiven, but not that one that grows out of my chin mole; that asshole and I have some shit to figure out.

Peace, Love and Big White Hares,
Johi





21 comments:

  1. Didn't you know that The Dollar Store is exempt from FDA regulations? I think that's actually how the FDA tests out new foods. If the populace at the Dollar Store doesn't drop, then the food must be okay.

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  2. My family went 100% without a visit from the Bunny this year. I had/still have major vertigo issues. Thank goodness The Girlfriend came up with 6 Cadbury Eggs or it would of been a complete bust!

    Although The Boy did go directly out Monday morning and purchase 6 bags of Easter Candy @ half off. He's become a discount candy shopper in his Teenage life. Oh, and not one piece of those 6 bags made it out of the Senior Graduation Meeting that morning at school.

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    1. Ooooo, Cadbury Eggs. I forgot about those. They are so sweet that they make my teeth hurt just thinking about that creamy, chocolaty goodness.

      I hope you get a handle on the vertigo. Brock gets that. It is no good.

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  3. My kids' chocolate bunnies went in the trash too, not because the quality was particularly poor, but because we accidentally got them full solid chocolate bunnies, rather than the hallow ones. And after the kids had chewed around the edges for on and off for a few hours, they had to disappear. That's just too much slobbered on chocolate for this mama to stomach.

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    1. Slobbered on chocolate. Yummy. My favorite.

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  4. Their Valentines chocolate sucks too...mine sat in the cabinet for around six months until it fell out and my fat yellow lab tried to eat it. He didn't think the quality was up to snuff either and spit it out...Thank god for small miracles I guess lol.

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    1. I will not buy the chocolate from there again, but the rest of the stuff was a screaming deal!
      I'm glad your dog had good enough taste that he didn't get sick! Scary that an animal that eats poop and licks its own butt won't eat that chocolate....

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  5. I think you can screw up jellybeans... All you have to do is make the red cinnamon flavored instead of cherry... That'll ruin my day every time.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    1. Ahhh! Mental note: no cinnamon candy for Valarie!

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    2. Also,the buttered popcorn jelly bellys make me want to puke.

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  6. I am very familiar with the waxy, chocolate-esque "candy" sold at dollar stores and bargain basements at Easter and Valentine's Day. I've purchased bags of it for years and tell myself that this is what all chocolate tastes like - it keeps me from craving real chocolate for the rest of the year. Best weight loss plan EVER!

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    1. Haahaa! Chocolate for diets! So disgusting you ruin your taste for chocolate! Brilliant!

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  7. I'm a fan of the dollar store...except when it comes to edible stuff.

    I only eat the orange jelly beans.

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    1. I eat all of the beans. It's a problem. My insides are probably pure corn syrup right now.

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  8. Was it Palmers? Eww that crap is bad. Kudos to you for not splurging at those overpriced places. I personally but my kids that candy I like so I can steal it back too. It is our duty! Thanks for sharing and making me laugh as always.

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    1. No, I don't think it even had a name brand! Ha!

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  9. OMG! I just read your chapter in "I just want to pee alone", and hopped over here and read this Easter candy post! I am crying right now at the nail salon. CRYING! You are so f'n funny, right up there with Karen of Baby Sideburns, Anna of My Life and Kids, and Jen of PIWTPITT!! Thanks for the hysterical laugh today, can't wait to read more!!
    -Sharon

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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. sorry, that was a duplicate

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    2. You can post that comment as many times as you desire- I'll just keep reading it and smiling!

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