Friday, March 15, 2013

Repelling men everywhere, one sentence at a time.

I promise not to mention the book, I Just Want to Pee Alone. I won't tell you guys about how you need to buy this book because it is getting great reviews. I promise not to tell you that we are holding the number one spot on Amazon in both Humor Essays and Humor Parenting and Children. I won't even tell you that men and people without children are loving it, too. Seriously, I'm not going to do it. Instead, I'm here to talk about a different activity that happens in the bathroom.

I just want to shower alone.

Ahh. A shower. Alone. It's the best. Sorry to all you men who think otherwise, but we really don't want to share the hot water stream. We've had kids clinging to our legs all day and are looking for 10 minutes of peace.  Plus, tile is COLD, especially in March. If you want to shower with us, take us to somewhere warm and beachy... like Mexico. Or just add tequila.

Showering seems to be the best way to wash off the residual smell of the pony poo/hair combo that is my daily perfume. In an effort to smell more like a lady and less like someone named Jethro, I took one last night. Then, instead of digging my favorite pair of ratty flannel pj's out of my drawer in preparation for another exciting evening on the couch, I put on some "big girl clothes".

That's right. It was Girls' Night Out.

Ahhhh squared.

Not unlike a Greek Goddess, I breezed out of my room in my virginal white sweater dress; my face bronzed from a day in the restorative Colorado sun. Okay, so I was wearing stompy boots and I have never "breezed" anywhere in my life. Also, my skin was blotchy and red, but I totally worked that shit out with mineral powder. But that dress is super cute.

Brock looked up and said: Geez! You look nice. Just make sure he has money.

I laughed: Whatever. You know that you don't have to worry about me.

Brock nodded: That's true. You repel men.

Me: ....

Brock: Well, you know what I mean. It's not your looks, it's when you talk.

Me: ....

Me: I know.


I will have you know that I completely charmed both of the homeless men that I passed on the sidewalk. Take THAT, Brock.

Also, Brock, that comment just earned me at least three months of showering alone. I can wash my own back, thankyouverymuch.

Peace, Love and Pony Poo,
Johi

12 comments:

  1. Are you trying to imply that Brock somehow survived this exchange? Really?

    But I totally get this one... I've been known to say something sarcastic and mean in the first five minutes of meeting new people. It's a gift.

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    1. He did. It's all true. I don't know why I'm like this.

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  2. Hahahaha!!! Super glad that I am not the only woman to repel men with my slightly off-beat? words and humor. I'm all pretty and sparkley until I open my mouth. And then. . .run away man! Run away! Oh well. At least I found one man who "gets" me. Kind of. . .

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  3. My ex had a habit of sticking her foot in her mouth every time she was in public. She offended everyone all the time without meaning ti. It was quite entertaining to watch.

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    1. Don't get me wrong, I can be lovely. It's just boring. :)

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  4. Believe me, we don’t really want to shower with you, because you don’t really share the hot water stream and we’re tired of standing in the back making do with the water that bounces off you.

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  5. Ooooh, what a silver tongued devil. I see why you are so smitten with him. ;)

    See, I'm lucky . . . I repel men with both my LOOKS and my WORDS. I'm a double threat, baby!!

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    1. I know. He's quite the charmer.

      Bottle that shit up and sell it on the black market, lady!

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  6. NOTHING can take the shine off of Girl's Night Out. Not even a comment like "You repel men". Mad props for recognizing it was well-intentioned. And true. Did you celebrate the way a best-selling author deserves?

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    1. I agree. And the fact that I was walking out of the house made me immune to the comment. But, I did celebrate.

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