Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Where good advice goes bad

Have you ever noticed that childhood advice is often debunked when we get older?

For instance, we spent our earliest years learning that sharing is an important part of society. As wee ones, we are repeatedly told to share. Share with your brother. Share with your friends. Share with the class. And the worst: Share your toys. Seriously? I didn't want some grimy fingered brat touching my Barbies! They probably would have ripped off her arm, cut her hair and  messed up her color coded wardrobe that I lovingly organized into a divided boot box, complete with an accessory compartment. What?

How many of you, as adults, share your tools, your jewels or your toys? While I will admit to occasionally sharing a party dress or a cute clutch, I have limits. (I'm also an unusually giving person; I am depending on that quality to get my snarky ass into heaven.)  Yet if I possessed truly awesome adult toys*, I wouldn't be lending to anyone. Hands off my boat, my pink tractor and my motorcycle!

*What did you think I meant when I said "adult toys"?

There's a rhyme that you learn as a child to deflect taunting from your peers:
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me".

*Unless those words are moist or panty or any combination of those two in a sentence.

Everyone has heard this phrase, and it conditions us to go through life armed with thick skin created to ignore mean people. What if someone was yelling "Hey! HEY YOU!!! HEY YOU IDIOT!!!!" You would remember that "... words will never hurt me!" and continue indignantly walking straight ahead with your head held high. Say the wretched name caller searched desperately but couldn't find a rock to chuck at your skull? They may have been attempting to get your attention before you stubbornly marched out in front of that garbage truck. Then BLAMMO! and suddenly it was a bad day to remember a nursery rhyme. A very bad day, indeed.

Yet when you mature, the adage is:
"The pen is mightier than the sword."

Since I have been told my entire life that words will never hurt, I can only assume that this "pen" is a reference to ink drawn caricatures and portraits*

*I'm here to warn you, I can stipple, scumble and cross-hatch the shit out of a drawing of your face. And your mother's face.

Not only is this advice inconsistent, it is confusing. It is also wrong. Clearly Taylor Swift taking fencing lessons is the mightiest and potentially the most hurtful of all. "We are never, ever getting back together, because I just decapitated your cheating head with my sword, and then I wrote a song about it. And the people LOVE me."  Also, I don't think that one should underestimate martial arts training or a concealed carry permit... or Chuck Norris.

On an entirely unrelated note, my birthday is quickly approaching and I would like a new fountain pen filled with black India ink, some paper and a brand new shiny sword, just in case.

Peace, Love and Bullshit,

P.S. I gave Chuck Norris permission to play with your toys while you were at work. Hope you don't mind.


  1. Bwahahahahahaha! Great post! I love it. I often think about the stuff we tell kids: "SHare with him" etc. But we do truly send mixed messages to our kids. For example, "Mind your own business!" but then 10 minutes later, "Why can't you think of anyone besides yourself?"
    Hmmm..... hard to know what to do.


    1. Ohhhh! Good one! And so true. It's kind of the "do as I say and not as I do" thing.

  2. A swift kick to the nuts will ALWAYS be mightier than any pen.... Unles, of course, said pen is stabbing someone in the balls. Then that is mightier. ;0)



    1. Oh the balls. So mighty yet so hideous and fragile. They make me happy to be woman.

  3. I have always thought people just make stuff up to sound smart. Then if you don't agree they just say you are too dense to understand.

  4. What size sword were you thinking?