Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Thirty-Eight is Great!

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'm turning 38.


I thought that I turned 38 last year, but when I did the math two weeks ago, I discovered that I was actually 37, and consequently had been 37 for an entire year. However, I spent that entire 37th year of my life thinking I was 38 so I guess I get to be 38 twice.


I really don't know either.

I like pickles.

My cognitive ability is clearly going, as is my intelligence. This is not a casual observation. Ever the geek, I did some research. Eleven years ago, I returned home from a long day of mind numbing retail and my spouse-of-the-time-that-I-ignore motioned me to the computer where he had a free online IQ test waiting for me. I'm sure it was a trap. I'm certain that I was supposed to score lower than him so that he could "own" me. Much to his dismay, I not only outscored him, I scored well with a 'Highly Intelligent' rating. Take that! HAHA!

Because I am old and God doesn't love me anymore, I woke up at 4 am the other morning. Since I was awake, I made coffee and took advantage of the quiet house. I like quiet. I like quiet so much that it almost makes the fact that I was awake at 4 am okay. Almost, but not quite. I sipped my delicious Colombian Nectar of the Gods and read an article about a blonde teenage girl that scored an IQ 161. Naturally, I wondered what my 37/38 year old IQ was and searched for an online test to pat me on the head, give me a gold star and compliment my blonde smarts. I found a test. I read the questions. I figured all the math problems in my head. I felt fairly confident. Then I got the results. I scored 18 points lower than I did the first time. 18 POINTS?!?!?! That means that I have lost an average of 1.6363toinfinity points of intelligence per year.

As always, I take full responsibility for myself.

I blame motherhood.

This frightens me, folks. What is going to happen to my brain in another 11 years? I fear I'm going to be wearing a drool cup around my neck, "reading books" upside down and talking to my cat's imaginary friend.

On that note, I have prepared a list of 38 things that I do better now than I did 11 years ago. I call it:

  1. I'm married to a guy that doesn't feel the need to compete with me. Probably because he knows he'll lose.
  2. I have two great kids. Even if they do pick their noses and jump on each other's heads and like to communicate in "potty talk", they rock.
  3. My laugh lines are deeper than my frown lines.
  4. I may not remember how to do trigonometry, but I can remember that we are out of Popsicles and that I need to buy the red ones, because Thing 2 only likes the red ones.
  5. My fingernails look way better now, probably because I am too tired to clean the house, but my fingernails are super pretty.
  6. I no longer flip off bad drivers (the last person I flipped off was really old and I felt like an enormous gaping asshole.)
  7. I can cook. Like I can really cook. However, I rarely COOK, because Thing 2 only eats red Popsicles, "tiny oranges" and ketchup.
  8. I am way closer to claiming that I actually like children, now that I have my own.
  9. I have ponies! So what if one is blind and the other one is foundered? I have ponies!
  10. I am at least .636363636 points closer to knowing how to garden.
  11. I have more shoes now. Shoooooooeeeeessss.
  12. I kept all my old friends (that were worth keeping) and even have a bunch of new, awesome ones. Most of them like shoooooooeeeeeees. And booze.
  13. I illustrated a children's book.
  14. I am soon to be a published author.
  15. Wine.
  16. My self-worth is higher.
  17. I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.
  18. I own a house.
  19. Unicorns.
  20. I finally taught myself how to type.
  21. I'm a better decorator now.
  22. People tell me that they love me, EVERY SINGLE DAY.
  23. Kids build rockets in my living room.
  24. I am worthy.
  25. The voices in my head are nicer than they used to be.
  26. I never end sentences in a preposition.
  27. People call me "Mom", but never "Mother".
  28. I read more.
  29. My vehicle is paid off (so what if it was the same one that I was driving 11 years ago?)
  30. I'm more comfortable being uncomfortable.
  31. I've seen more of 'Merica.
  32. I can make a killer house out of Lincoln Logs.
  33. I get to count to three and watch people run.
  34. Instagram. Facebook. Blogger. >>>An oversharer's happiness trifecta.
  35. I finally figured out all the secrets of the universe.
  36. I can use the phrase 'vagina wagon' in a sentence.
  37. I know what it feels like to really love someone. Like really love them. It's the good stuff.
  38. I made it to 38. Twice. How many people can say that?
I seriously appreciate all the support and encouragement that I have received in the past few years. You all rock. This year, I would like cash for my birthday. Thank you.

I am posting five more links to incredible posts from blogs that are fellow authors in our soon to be published book of essays. Enjoy!

Welcome to Manitopia by the hysterical Insane in the Mom-Brain.

Fifty Things I Want to Teach my Daughter   from the incredible Cloudy with a Chance of Wine.

You Want a Real Mommy War? from the fabulous  Dose of Reality.

20 Things I Learned in College from the talented Funny Is Family.

The Weirdest Friendship Ever from the hilarious You're My Favorite Today.

Peace, Love and Unicorns,


  1. This is a totally awesome post and not even because you included us!! :) Love your list, especially #1...made me laugh out loud! And Lisa, my blog partner totally did the same thing with her age!! ;)

    1. It is good to know that Lisa did the same thing! Ha!

  2. I loved...

    shooooeeeees and booze
    more comfortable being uncomfortable
    counting to 3 and watching people run
    that you mentioned me!

    Happy early birthday, and congratulations on being published. The second 38th is gonna be great!

    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
      I'm ready for a heavy dose of great!

  3. I started out this list laughing and ended it all misty. Or maybe my cataracts are acting up again. Hard to tell. I love love love all your points, especially #14 and 33! Thanks for the pimpin'...and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! :)

    1. I'm always amazed at the power of counting to three. ;)

  4. I love your list - so, so much awesome! And I'm age-challenged, too - last year I told my mom I couldn't believe I was turning 37, and she pointed out I was only turning 36. Without that conversation I'd be 37 for the second time this year. ;)

    1. Thank you!
      We are clearly too busy trying to remember to bring reusable bags to the grocery store to remember our ages.

  5. Happy, Happy Birthday!

  6. Thanks for warming it up for me, Jo. Twice, apparently. See you at the clubhouse next week. ;)

    Love you, girl!

    1. No problem! It was a breeze the first time, so I figure it will be easy peasy this time too. :)

  7. Happiest of second-thirty-eighth birthdays, Johi! I know you'll find a way to celebrate in style. One that hopefully does not involve red popsicles, tiny oranges, or ketchup (coincidentally, those are pretty safe bets in my house too. What gives?).

    1. I had a lovely white wine with fish tacos that SOMEONE ELSE PREPARED. It was wonderful! And now Brock is cooking me dinner- no red popsicles, tiny oranges OR ketchup! Woohoo!

  8. I LOVE this: "The voices in my head are nicer than they used to be."

    I turn 35 this year, and welcome each birthday with "This year I am marginally less dumb than last year! NEXT STOP SUPERGENIUS."

    Happy (second) 38th!

    1. I wish I was getting less dumb! That dumb IQ test told me otherwise! I like how "supergenius" looks in all caps. It makes me say it in all caps... very dramatic!
      Thank you!!!

  9. Happiest of birthdays to you!! I once out scored my husband on an IQ test too. I still make fun of him for it. That was 7 years ago. He still tries to get me to retake it, but screw that. I'm not here to have my title as smartest person in the house challenged. I'm here to go out on top. :0)

    Hope your birthday is grand!



    1. Long Live Valerie!!!! I love it!
      The day was grand- Brock made me a cake!

  10. This is YOUR year, Johi! And I personally like being dumber and more forgetful. Now where are those pickles you were talking about?

    1. Pickles....
      Thanks- I'm feeling good about this year!

  11. Damn. I reworked the math twice and I'm still 39. Frickin' stupid abacus.

  12. So I read your blog at work, but old IE doesn't let me comment. Soooooo...please excuse me why I leave a gazillion catchup comments on your blog.

    I have only one question. What kind of pickles?