Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Keep the flowers, I'll take the cash

Hey everybody! Tomorrow is Valentine's Day!
This will serve your ONLY friendly reminder, fellas.
Some women go batshit cray-cray if you get her the wrong stuff on the VDay.
And if you FORGET VDay, you can forget about getting any for a very long time.
A very, Very, VERY long time.
If you have one of those women, let me just say, "SUCKA!"
I meant to say, "I'm so sorry."
And also, "HAHAHAHAHA!"
Brock and I were sitting with a group of friends the other night. The guys were sharing the name of the place they get their VD flowers. They were boasting about the discount prices. They spoke of the chocolate. It was very cute. That is when I looked at Brock and said, "Forget the flowers, just give me the cash."
Everyone laughed.
Only Brock knew that I was serious.
We are celebrating this year just like we did last year-in our pj's, watching a movie, eating bacon.
We're pretty romantic like that.
You ARE a winner!
No, not YOU. Her.
image from the graphics fairy


Speaking of VD, I have some news! It's pretty exciting!
1. I'll be in Estes Park this Saturday at MacDonald's Book Shop, signing the book that I illustrated, B. Thomas the Bear's Rocky Mountain Chocolate Adventure.
Please stop by and say hello between the hours of 11:00 and 12:30, and 2:00 to 4:00.
152 East Elkhorn Ave., Estes Park, Colorado
B. Sometime soon, very soon, yours truly is going to be a PUBLISHED AUTHOR.
WHAT? I know!! It's true! I AM awesome!
I was invited to join a fabulous group of 30+ funny muthas in an anthology. An original essay of mine will be featured in the book and it will be available for purchase fairly soon. Save your pennies, mah people! You will NEED this book in your life! I've been perusing these ladies' blogs, and let me tell you, I've been glued to my computer for the past three days, reading and laughing my flabby white arse off. Thank the good lawd that my children love staring at the TV... er... I mean... solving the Rubix cube, teaching themselves to read and putting together 10,000 piece puzzles!
Here are a few samples of the type of writing you will see in the anthology:
RachRiot is a... well... she's a riot. I laughed out loud at this post, where she talks about vacationing with a friend in Vermont. Go. Read. Laugh. Then file her words like "lacto-amnesia" and "eatomaniac" into your verbal arsenal.
Momiacal is real, awesome and hilarious. In this post, she tells a horrific and hysterical story about having to take her children with her for her annual exam with the cave doctor. I don't know about you, but it is a personal nightmare of mine to have my children witness vaginal spelunking.
Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess is a hoot. I snorted coffee through my nose when I read this post about a yoga class she attended. The next time you are in downward facing dog, all you will be able to think is "fat raccoon stuck in a trash can".
Enjoy these new blogs! I will be featuring more fellow authors every week.
Happy Valentine's Day to each and every one of you.
Even you, with the horrendous halitosis; you need love too.
Peace, Love and Bacon,


  1. Thank you so much, Corny. I am so honored to be among (amongst? astride? asunder?) these funny muthas. Lady Power! *manicured fist in the air*

    1. Oh, you just reminded me how much I need a manicure. I'm really honored to be grouped with these women too. Very excited!

  2. Holy hell, woman!! A super famous illustrator AND a published author?? Congrats!! You are the big time now, baby.

    Oh, and I would totally take the cash as well. For realz.

    1. I'm going buy an entire town and name it after myself!

  3. I am a giant, cheese-filled ball of Katherine Heigl so I will take the romantic shit. Every. Damned. Time. Congratulations again; I am so proud of you!!! xoxo

    1. I try to be romantic, but then I end up faking it and thinking about how much I actually enjoy showering ALONE. But I loves me some Hallmark channel shit.

  4. Wow congratulations on all of these great accomplishments! That's just awesome. Also. Love the bacon. Always go with bacon. ;)

    1. Thank you! And I'm not talking about turkey bacon.

  5. Totally agree on the cash, except I'm such a tightwad, I probably wouldn't even let my husband give me cash. What I'd really like him to do is spend the money on the bills for a month, so I don't have to do it. Oh, and congrats! I can't wait to read your essay!

    1. I can't wait to read YOUR essay!
      My husband and I basically throw the bills at each other while screaming "NOT IT!" and running from the room. We're awesome together.

  6. I wished Colorado was closer! But then I guess it would be Indiana. Good luck!!!

    1. I wish that I could go to one of YOUR book signings, Miss Published Author!!! Maybe I'll show up to BlogHer in ChIcAgO in August and get a signed copy!

  7. Thank you so much for the mention! And, my husband and I just drink mai tais to celebrate Valentine's day. But, I'd be fine with cash too...

    1. It was my pleasure! I got flowers, anyway. :P

  8. This is awesome!! We had a pretty low-key V-day, too, and it was great! :)