Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Twas a cold night in January...

Twas a cold night in January, when all through her home
Everything was irritating her, even the gnome.
The house was in shambles, the kids were both whiny
One dog smelled of skunk, the other was slimy.
The odor of the cat was certainly wrong.
Her husband sat idly, one hand on his schlong.
It was too cold to flee, zero degrees was a bummer
It was pitch black by five, she much preferred summer.

She glared at his face, so simple, so blissful
She considered pulling his hair, fist full by fist full.
The children were screaming, fighting over toys
The cat just kept licking, she abhorred the noise
The dogs wanted out, then back in again
The barking, the scratching, the ice was growing thin.
The TV was on, the commercials were blaring
Her skin prickled slightly, her patience was wearing.

Her stomach was bloated, her back was so sore
She was hungry, she was tired, she wanted a S'more.
No, she needed salty and crunchy... and liquor.
What she really needed was SILENCE... and so so much quicker
Her head started aching, she truly felt shitty.
Her jeans felt tiny, her face was all zitty.
She herded the kids into bed, keeping them safe
Her husband still was unknowing, she hated his face.
She watched the TV, in attempts to unwind
The men were all stupid, she still felt unkind.

To bed, she submitted, tomorrow love she would channel.
Her day was finally over, she welcomed her flannel.
The night was too short, she didn't feel rested.
She awoke to demands, her patience already tested,
She rose from her cocoon, sweaty and grumpy
She looked quite a fright, pasty and dumpy.
Her belly was bulging, her back felt like trash
Somehow in the night, four pounds had attached
She turned on the news, people are lame
She felt the urge to kill them, or just gently maim.

Coffee, and silence, and more sleep would be neat
Or, maybe, some Advil and a pack full of heat.
Then the cat started licking, the children were screaming
Her husband was standing, apparently dreaming
The dogs started whining, everything was overwhelming
She handled it gracefully, with chocolate and yelling.
Her husband clued in. He kept a safe distance
Her kids demanded more food, and the dogs were still listless.
Outside was frozen, to cold to breathe.
She was trapped with her rage, her husband wanted to leave.
He made a smart move, and fled the house to safety
His butt cheeks were clenched, his movement was hasty

Something was wrong, her energy was zapped.
She felt no love in her heart, her patience was tapped.
She wondered why she felt so damned hateful
And also so fat, and so tired and ungrateful
She felt soulless, huge and vaguely homicidal
She picked up the paper and saw an ad for Midol
Suddenly a thought clicked in her brain
How long has passed since the last time she felt drained?
She rode her broom to the calendar,  there she read as she hovered.
Sure enough, 23 days, the mystery uncovered.
A visitor was coming, of course! Her mind was so hazy
It was that messy old bastard, who made her feel crazy.
A Pamprin she swallowed, her calm she would keep
Her guest said, "Fuck You! I'll be here all week!"


  1. I am awarding you the Nobel Prize For Kickass Poetry.

    1. I'd like to thank the Academy, lack of sleep and Playtex tampons.

  2. Replies
    1. Something told me that you would appreciate this.

  3. Did you really write that? I mean, that is just the funniest thing I've ever read. Copyright it NOW!!

    1. I did. I really did. I'm glad you liked it!