Friday, December 21, 2012

I suck at nothing!

Last Saturday, I woke up and proclaimed, " I am doing nothing today!"

The hectic holiday season schedule had taken its toll on me and I was overdue for a break. Never mind that I had family arriving at my house Sunday evening. Never mind that I had yet to mail Christmas cards or bake cookies. Never mind that I had yet to finishing wrapping gifts, or buying gifts for that matter. I have been DETERMINED to enjoy Christmas this year and on Saturday, for fear that I would break,  I required a break!

"NOTHING! I'm doing NOTHING!", I shouted at the cat. He looked at me a meowed in that long, painful way that he does when he is requiring a human to service his dietary needs.

I poured some food into his cat dish and climbed onto the couch, wearing my sleep-rumpled pajamas. Just as my bones settled into the thick couch cushions for a long day of nothing, I exhaled and my tiny Thing 2 toddled up to me and demanded, "MOMMY! I'm hungry! I want hungry! MOMMY! MOMMY! Candy cane!!!!"

I repeated my mantra of the day in my head, "I'm doing nothing!" as I prepared the first of seven breakfasts that Saturday for my tiny tape-wormed tyrants.

"I'm doing NOTHING today!", I told myself while I geared up for my 3 1/2 mile walk with Red Dog.

Upon my return, I looked at Brock and said, "I'm doing nothing today! I need a day of nothing!" And Brock replied, "Good idea. I'll take the kids." Then he disappeared outside for three hours and left the children inside the house with me.

As my shrieking children, who were fighting over a toy, followed me into the bathroom, where I was attempting to shower, I thought, "This will be my much deserved day of NOTHING!" Then I noticed how disgusting the bathroom was, so I scrubbed the toilet, sink and shower while diffusing the escalating sibling fight.

Later, while I was preparing the first of 11 lunches for my precious children, I noticed how messy my kitchen was, so I scrubbed the counters, washed the dishes and cleared off the table. Then, as I diligently combatted the crack-like effect of Christmas on my children, I swept, mopped and vacuumed the entire house. Then I cleaned the spare room, the second bathroom and dusted. Then I did a load of laundry. All the while, I weakly repeated, "Nothing. I'm doing nothing today."

Brock finally returned inside from working on "man things"  outside and I said, "I'm doing nothing!" Then I read a 168 page book from cover to cover while preparing dinner.

As I wrapped 10 Christmas presents, planned the menu for our impending guests for the next three days, and prepared a package for shipping, I silently told myself,  "I'm doing nothing today. I'm resting. I deserve a break. I'm enjoying this Christmas season, for Pete's sake!"

After I mopped the sweat from my brow after herding my overstimulated by Christmas children into the bedroom for an oh-too-late 9:30 bedtime complete with two books and a prayer, I looked around my semi-clean house, with the wrapped packages around the carefully decorated tree and I admitted to myself, "I suck. I suck at nothing."

Peace, Love and Unicorns,

P.S. I'm exhausted and I'm not doing cards OR cookies. I fear the ink would run from my tears and I would eat my feelings via cookie dough. No really, I'm fine. How are you all feeling this holiday season?

Announcing the WINNERS of the giveaway! FINALLY.

The "Magic Purple Wand" goes to: AC
The print of my watercolor/colored pencil of Twin Sisters Mountain goes to: Savvy Pants

CONGRATULATIONS! You can officially show up at your family holiday gathering and inform that judgemental person- the MIL, perhaps- that YOU ARE A WINNER!

Contact me at with your info and I will promptly-- hahahaha-- ship your lovingly wrapped packages to you!!!!


  1. I truly am doing nothing today. Still in my yoga clothes (didn't actully GO to yoga, but hey). Short people are at school,and I'm on my third cp ofcoffee playing online Scrabble and waiting for the nail salon to open. I have sloth MASTERED, my friend. You have much to learn from me, Grasshopper. ;)

  2. You DO suck at nothing! When it's time for mommy to have a sanity break and my husband has to take the kids, he TAKES THE KIDS. Meaning out of the house away from on the edge mommy.

    Saturday was a super productive mom day for me. We baked tons of cookies, I wrapped presents, put up stockings, cleaned up a bit, did laundry . . . and maybe didn't have time for a shower. And by the end of this super productive and kid bonding day, I should have felt elated and good about the general state of my life. Instead, I was snapping at my hubs and kids and breaking down into random crying fits. That's what happened when all the stuff stopped and the nothing crept in. I think you are doing nothing right, my girl. Keep on keeping on. And happy holidays to you and your boys!

    1. You pretty much just described every day of my life minus cleaning a toilet or wiping someone's ass.

  3. I did nothing the last couple days so today I did dishes and doing some baking... doing nothing is definitely not under-rated.

    1. Because I'm nothing if not persistent, I will attempt nothing again someday. I'm glad to hear that someone is baking. I did manage to make ( and eat) a chocolate cake and a pumpkin cheesecake last week, but no cookies.

  4. Nothing seems so important and awesome... until three hours later when your brain is goo from watching too much TV and you get tired of your own funk, so you clean yourself up and find something to do.

    Maybe it's just me.

  5. I am doing nothing today but putting my house back in order from plaster work.


    Where are these damn unicorns you promised??