Friday, December 7, 2012

Giveaways!!!! Sorry, no free toasters...

I would like to start this post by saying that I still haven't written the thank you cards for Thing 2's birthday.  You see, I tend to run a wee bit late on things. His birthday was in May. I would like to take this opportunity to say "Hey you guys, thanks for the awesome toys. He loves them all so hard that they may or may not be broken now. "

Once again, I'll bring up BlogHer in August. What an amazing trip that was! Not only did I almost die by trash truck in New York City, it was also there that I received a titillating little treasure from Trojan. Said treasure was donated to me so that I could share it with one of you lovely people! Now I realize that August was something like four months ago, but I like to be exciting! and unexpected in whatever I do. Also, I know that it is the Christmas season and many of you are out there right now wondering what to buy your mother in law.

Never fear, the corn fed girl is here to solve your holiday problems!!!!

As giveaway number one, I am presenting one lucky person with a brand-new-in- the-box-not-purchased-on-eBay-or- Craigslist Trojan personal massager.

The fine people at Trojan also insisted that I keep one of these for myself. When I got mine home, I was feeling extra tense having almost met my maker through the front grill of a garbage truck and being forced to put my hand on the naked Cowboy's greazy ass. Needless to say, my stress level was a tad high. As with most people, I needed something in the form of .....a release. Unfortunately, my husband was not at home. I had however, gotten the children down for a nap so the house was quiet. It was then that I remembered my special battery operated treasure. So I ripped into that purple foil box, extracted the massager from within ..... and dug that sucker into my shoulder blade where there was a giant knot in my muscle. It worked like a charm, or Swedish man named Sven.

I also believe that this magic purple wand would double as an egg beater, an immersion blender, a fill-in nose for your Frosty the Snowman, or a fun filled cat toy.*

* it is highly unlikely that Trojan with endorse any of these extra curricular uses.

The second item which I will be gracing one reader with is a print of a genuine, original corn fed girl painting! The original painting was done in watercolor and colored pencil. I was completely sober when I made it. The subject matter is Twin Sisters Mountain in Estes Park Colorado. I made prints for my family members but my only sister informed me that she does not like landscapes, so I have an extra one on hand. Thank you, sister, for your honesty. This is only one of the reasons that I told you that those frightening red pantyhose looked fantastic back in 1989.

A few years ago, I had joined a MOPS group. MOPS is Mothers of Preschoolers, in case you're wondering.
Being the charitable person that I am, I framed one of these paintings and donated it to a Christmas auction. Apparently that year, people were interested in baby blankets, baby room decor, and baby toys. What they were not interested in was my painting. As I sat in the audience watching no one bid on my art, I was reminded as why I do not make art for public display. I was also reminded why I don't like the general public. After what felt like five arduous months, someone made an offer. It was most likely out of pity for me as I sat there silently sweating. At one point,  the Baptist lady playing Auctioneer For A Day tried to persuade people to bid on my painting by telling them that the frame was worth more than that one, lonely, pathetic bid. I'm telling you this story because I am offering this painting to you with no frame on it, which probably makes it completely worthless. It can however be framed inexpensively to a standard, pre-made 11 by 13 size, by using a half off coupon at your local Michael's or Hobby Lobby!

Now I feel sad. If you'll excuse me I'm going to eat that chocolate cake that I made yesterday.

To enter this give away, you simply need to leave a comment in the comment section of this blog, or on my Facebook page, stating the item which you would like to win. You can type in Vibrator! If that makes you uncomfortable, you can type in Magic Purple Wand! You can type in Crappy Landscape! You can type in Both! Or you can simply tell me how fabulous you think I am and you will be entered multiple times. Also, on an unrelated note, I am easily persuaded by gift cards to DSW.  I'm sure that you can find good uses for either or both of these lovely items this holiday season.

Be sure and like my Facebook page and share with your friends!

Peace,  Love and Presents,
Johi

12 comments:

  1. You are a beautiful person and a very talented artist. However, I feel I must be honest like your sister, as I too am not a big fan of landscapes. And since I already have item #1, I'm pretty much commenting just to say that I love you!!

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    1. Thank you. I love you, too. I could also paint dogs playing poker, if that is more up your alley. ;)

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    2. Oh man, you really DO know me, don't you? ;)

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  2. I friggin LOVE landscapes! And would love nothing more than a piece of you hanging on my wall. (Sounds creepy when I type it out)
    I'm typing this with a sore shoulder from carrying my final child. So a massage sounds good.....
    But the painting I would adore!

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    1. "It puts the lotion on the skin..."
      At least you didn't drop your final child in the toilet- just a little, like I did the last time I tried to carry him.

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  3. I make a habit of collecting art made by people I adore. Every item in my house is a one of a kind. I could sure use another...

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  4. I'm in for the massager. I figure I can leave it around the house in odd places and terrify my husband, who is a sensitive soul.

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  5. My husband says that one of my New Year's resolutions needs to be "allowing him to play with my ladyparts in fun and exciting new ways". So, unless that painting takes 3 double-A's, I would certainly love to be the recipient of the purple "back massager".

    Reminds me also of a device my dad found in an Estate sale, a vintage "Eskimo Massager"---which he listed on eBay as "appropriate for all races and nationalities". The vibrator doesn't fall too far from the locked display case, I guess...

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  6. Put me in for the landscape, I need something on my wall at the office. And I don't think the Magic Purple Wand will go over well as a wall decoration. Not to mention, I can't even imagine how I would be able to whip out the magic purple wand and explain to Husband how this lady on the internet, who I have never actually met, but read about her small children on a regular basis, just happen to be giving away a magical purple wand and, I just happen to be the lucky person to win it. He would begin to wonder just what kind of blogs I am reading....

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  7. BOTH! Come on, people. Let's just go with both. BOTH!!! I could use the... ah hem... "massager"... whilst I dream of beautiful places and the romping I could do in them.

    Side note: My daughter's 2nd birthday was also in May, and I'm pretty sure the stamped thank you cards are still in the glove box of my car.

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  8. I WANT BOTH, so that I can use the massager while looking at the painting, Yeah, I really just said that.

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  9. I'll go along with the current fan of both, why? Because it would be fun :D And phooey to those auction goers, I'd rather painting than something else that needed washing. As for the purple wand, I might pose it around the house and snap pictures. Give people something other than food pics on instagram. Hey, theres a new Elf on the Shelf idea you wont find on pinterest. (Carrie Cousino)

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