Friday, November 16, 2012

Olfactory Overload

I've been holding out on you guys. I have a superpower. It's not a good one, like laser vision, flying or lottery number prediction, but I possess a superpower, nonetheless. My superpower is olfaction. I have stellar schnoz sniffer powers of perception. I can detect odors that other humans and some farm animals apparently cannot. Granted, most of the time the smells that infiltrate my nostrils are jarring, unpleasant and make me vomit in my mouth a little, but I cannot deny the unintentionally overzealous nature of my first rate snout.

Since there are no truffles for me to sniff out in Colorado, I have decided to put my super sense of smell to fruitful use. Because I am an nothing if not an American ingenue, I am teaming up with my friend Sarah to create cologne-type and perfume-like products to sell to unsuspecting idiots the general public.

Sarah and I have recently been hard at work  texting stupid memes, consuming booze and talking to each other in funny accents creating an enticing new fragrance line to market to people for the upcoming mass consumerism holiday season. Our company name is COMB OVER (a Couple OMouthy Blondes Operating a Vodka-based Entertainment Research center*) and we are very excited about our low quality product line. Look for the COMB OVER label soon at your local 7-Eleven, Pet Smart, Cabela's and the meat department at Wal-Mart!

*acronyms were never my thing.

Le Facebook Stalker (Said like Pepe LePew)
If you are a sad, sad person that lives your life vicariously through the vacation pictures and random ecards of people you once sat next to in junior high school, then Le Facebook Stalker is the fragrance for you!

Lacing the malodorous notes of coffee breath with the twangy stank of social failure, Le Facebook Stalker* creeps up on you like a cheap pair of K-Mart underwear. Comingling the plastic smell of hot hard laptop to the musty scent of your perspiring thighs, Le Stalker unfolds like a sensory assault from Best Buy. Sad, bitter and undeniably Zuckerbergian to the very last personally invasive advertising note.

*Buy today and get more "likes" in real life. Or not.

All-American Underachiever
Finishing what you started is often way more difficult than your pawpaw made it out to be, especially when it comes to school, jobs or waking up before 11 am.

All-American Underachiever* blasts you with the familiar, yet repulsive mixture of patchouli, vintage upholstery and taco. In the top notes of Underachiever, you will detect the infused hints of unwashed hemp fiber, matted with armpit hair, and a breeze of the 1970's wood panelling in your apartment/parent's basement. This fragrance will transport you from the hardships of 'real life' right to that X-Box tempting you to the futon.

*May induce cravings for bong hits, peanut butter, Nickelback and Doritos.

El Presidente Candidato (no, this is not a POTUS yeast infection)
Do you interrupt others without guilt and speak with oddly timed pauses? Does the sound of your own voice and more or less true-ish ideals please you to no end? Do you often make promises that you cannot keep? Do you think it is fine to spend a titanic amount of money on self promotion and use terms like "those little people"? Then El Presidente Candidato is the fragrance for you!

Featuring notes of Tarp funds, special interest bribes, jet fuel, and teleprompters, this scent is as expensive as a Kardashian shopping spree. Laced with the whiff of inflated ego delicately mixed with hot air, this initially enticing scent will eventually unfold into the bold, rancid balm of Monica Lewinsky's weeks old laundry. The grassy notes of greener pastures give way to the final commanding fragrance of steaming fresh bullshit. El Presidente Candidato* comes beautifully wrapped in a binder full of women and your choice of Gee-Oh-Pea green or Democraptastic camo.

*Affordably made in China

Eau De Mutha

Do you have offspring? Do you actually care for them? Then you are familiar with the smells of pride, exhaustion, elation and disbelief.

Eau De Mutha* wafts like the anticipation of a much needed nap that dissipates into needy shrieks of a Napoleonic dictator. This scent begins with the sweet, powdery notes of tender care and precious treasures, then unfurls into explosive diapers, curdled milk, sour armpits and Clorox CleanUps. In this complex fragrance, you will be surprised by the unexpected bursts of Whine (not to be confused with wine), Tantrum and Public Judgement and Shaming. In the end, if you allow the the scent to its fullest note, you will detect the essence of emerging grey hair, mini vans that reek softly of stale french fries, Ambien laced with Xanax and soul nourishing love.

*Complimentary coupon for a discounted canister of Comit with every purchase!

Do you have more hair products than the entire cast of Jersey Shore? Did you buy stock in Viagra? Do your pants hug your package so tightly that people can see the crinkles in the foil in which you wrapped that cucumber? Do you go to the gym to watch yourself lift weights in the mirror? Then Gigilo* is the stench for you!

Seriously, this shit smells BAD, yo. It smells worse than Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore in a cagefight. It reeks worse than Kid Rock's trailer after a drunken orgy with carnies and barnyard animals. Do we really need to elaborate here?

Yes, yes we do. This scent has the gamy musk of a Tom Cat urine saturated carpet pad in an un-airconditioned trailer outside of Reno. It will attract nothing but desperate, slowly dying flies, unsuspecting minors in Internet chat rooms and Charlie Sheen.

*This bottle can be personalized with your photo! You know, the one that you took of yourself in the mirror when you were pretending to be Chuck Norris! aka. Your Facebook profile picture.

...and last but not least...

Cougar Noir
Purrrrrrr- hork hork guwhack! If you are experiencing any combination of the following: Hot flashes, a passion for animal print, erotica novels, varicose veins and inappropriate thoughts of Zac Efron, Cougar Noir is the fragrance for you!

With spicy top notes of progesterone cream, Botox and Spanx, Cougar Noir is bold right out of the gate. As the scent delicately unfurls like the confetti out of a vacuum packed canister, you will start to detect that familiar bouquet of loneliness and desperation... and maybe cats. Do you want to smell like Teen Spirit? Cougar Noir* will inspire you to inappropriately rub against any spirited male teen that you desire. Rawr.

*Order today to get your complimentary AstroGlide!

Sarah and I hope that you enjoy these COMB OVER fragrances as much as we have enjoyed creating them. We're certain that they will be the perfect choices for those on your holiday gift list. If you order the entire collection today at the low price of $79.99 (plus creation, packaging, marketing, shipping, handling, a few Starbucks runs and my vet bill), you will receive not only one of each scent from our 2012 Holiday collection, but also a free cat in need of shots and a great deal of dental work!

Look for more COMB OVER fragrances and other products coming soon to a blog near you (this one, specifically).....

Peace, Love and Burning Nostril Hairs,
Johi and Sarah


  1. Wow. Just . . . wow.

    I think that our hotel room at BlogHer actually smelled like a combination of all of these fragerances at once!! Thank goodness for faux vanilla scented faux candle like objects!!

    This was a great post, Jo! Bravo.

    1. It was the rotten Salmon! I swear!

      Thank you. I'm feeling pretty special today. Sarah and I should do this more, me thinks.

  2. Question: will the Cougar Noir scent mask my sad, middle-aging stank? And what type of AstroGlide do I get with the purchase? I would prefer the gently warming one. thanks!

    1. Cougar Noir was created to ENHANCE that stank. Gently warming it is!

  3. I have a very refined sniffer myself. I can smell things no one else can. Which leads me to get to clean up the dog poop in the hall that no one else knew was there. Every. Time.