Thursday, October 4, 2012

Desperately seeking sanity

"Excuse me ma'am? You seem to have dropped this."
...and the friendly stranger hands me back my mind, which I have clearly lost.

Tragically, today at 11:54 a.m., my children reduced me to tears which I hid behind my sunglasses. The kids were not fighting nor were they doing anything wrong. They were only talking. Their sweet little voices were telling me stories. They were TALKING- something that I ENCOURAGED them to do. Something which they had both been doing incessantly since they climbed into my bed at 6:45 this morning... and since 6:15 the morning before that... and at 5:46 the morning before that. The past few weeks, between the constant talking, my trashed out house, the snot snorting from round two of colds since school started, the coat refusal, the effing laundry, the fruit fly infestation in my kitchen, the whining noises and begging for food from the dogs and children, the explosive noises of boys playing and Adele Arakawa's  horrendous hair, every nerve in my body is fried.

Er... Adele? 1989 called, they want their hairstyle back.
So much hairspray, so little time.
I've never before wanted so badly to be a part of a giant overbearing family, ala My Big Fat Greek Wedding, as I do now. Please. SOMEONE. Take my kids for the day! Entertain them without charging me money! You can even judge my unkempt house and lazy parenting! I WILL WELCOME YOUR CRITICISM IF YOU JUST HELP ME! I'll become Jewish, Mormon or even Catholic again if I need to- just HELP ME. Upon desperately wishing for even a Monster-In-Law type figure in my life to love my children for me, I've realized that I am clearly in need of a little "me time". I can't think straight. I can't sleep. I can't write. I can't figure out 40% off of $160 pair of boots (this is BAD, people), and in no way am I keeping pace with my own life. In short, I'm basically sucking at living. I'm becoming a crappy friend, a nagging wife and a checked out parent. I am worn out over here.   I would love a Xanax, but I don't take prescription drugs, folks, which is why I am teetering on the edge of alcoholism. (OMG! Have you ever tried a Moscow Mule? MIND NUMBING GOOD FUN. Just know that you will need to rewatch the last half of Castle to remember who done it.)


Therefore, in a vain attempt to find my sanity in a world full of plastic toys (not mine), unfortunate pooping schedules for the diaper wearing individual in our family (not me, thankfully), constant yelling(me and others) and noise (every damn thing), wadded up sweat socks (not mine) on the living room rug or three steps from the motherloving hamper and the never ending cleaning/folding/sorting/wiping/helping/listening/responding/driving/selfless giving that is motherhood, I have again started walking in the mornings.

And I hate mornings.

Fortunately, I have a timer on my coffee maker beautiful natural area full of trees and swamps ponds by my house. Unfortunately, it also borders the interstate and a Super Wal-Mart so even when I try to find some Zen space, I am sharing my time with road noise, truckers and people that think a stain free "wife beater" is 'dressing up'. None of this surprises me, it is merely par for the course of the Glamorous Life of Johi.

Most of the time on these morning outings it is just me and Red Dog, whose walking off-and-on-leash obedience reminds me of why I actually love her. Together we increase our heart rates and burn off negative energy while enjoying the crisp morning air. With Pandora's Indie Dance Mix station in my ear and this awesome app called Map My Walk where I can... wait for it... map my walk while channelling my inner George Jefferson jive step. I can listen to Jack White and also keep track of pace and distance, which assists me in achieving a daily goal and knowing when to push myself, something that every Type A sicko person enjoys. Sometimes, out of pure guilt and being the sole human in the house to acknowledge that all dogs need to be walked, I take Black Dog, too- who pulls on my arm the entire time and barks at cars. If I let her off leash she runs too far and rolls in dead stuff, thus stealing my happiness.

Responsibility sucks.

But still! Even with Black Dog dragging at my arm, thus ensuring that I will soon have to shell out the big bucks and see my chiropractor, I see the bluest skies on the planet (because Colorado rocks a blue sky like no where else). It is also a time to think, reflect, plan and prepare myself for the coming events of my life as a slave to my thankless family doting and loving mother and wife. I remember to breath all the way into my diaphragm. (what????) These fairly quiet walks are also a great time to spot wildlife. Red Dog and I see Canadian Geese, Blue Herons, Blackbirds, rabbits, jumping fish, turtles, Doves, Blue Jays and Hawks. We once even witnessed a Red Tailed Hawk diving into the lake to catch a fish. Its mealtime attempt was as unsuccessful as the self medicated Pamela Anderson on Dancing with the Stars, but I felt honored to get to watch the carnivorous effort and of the slightly drunken elegant bird.

Even though there are many things to discover on these morning walks, I have yet to find my sanity.  Be that as it may, I have found some much needed solitude. It is a great chance to connect with nature. I can listen to my body (it says "Ow, you decrepit thing") without having to drown out the noise of children fighting over the toy trash truck, or the phone ringing with yet another political call, or the demands of "I'm hungry!" "He hit me!" "I need a band aid!" "I want to watch Transformers!". And best of all, on my morning walks, I don't have to repeat myself (unless I take Black Dog, then I spend the time repeatedly yelling her name constantly). However, sometimes the morning reveals things that I do not expect to find. Things that are black as the night and full of wonder. Things that are so wrong, they are right. Things that are lacy, sexy and should not by lying in a gravel path between a port-a-potty and a sign about the length of fish. Things like bras.

"Um... excuse me ma'am. You seem to have dropped this."

... so there's another one of us, but instead of
early morning walks with the dogs, she is
getting back to nature with Victoria's Secret
and a midnight rendezvous at the port-a-potty.
Good on her?




  1. I... ah. I don't...

    Midnight Rendezvous at the Porta Potty doesn't even make a good porn title.

    Maybe it's a werewolf... or were-trout? and she dropped her human clothes? The full moon was just a few days ago.

    Yes, I would rather think of that than anything that happens in a port-o-pottie besides holding your breath while you pee as fast as possible and then escape with my pants barely pulled up because I'm out of air.

    1. Have you two met yet?? You both live like, RIGHT THERE. You should totally plan a meet up. It could help with your sanity/me time issues. Do it!

    2. I know, right? I am such a lazy slacker. And afraid of new situations. And... ah.

      I should just call, huh?

  2. If I lived closer, I'd watch your kids for you, but hang up when you called to go for a morning walk. Glad to see things are at least...uh...interesting?

  3. She does have bad hair. Sometimes I think I am lucky to go to work all day and not have to deal with the constant whining of my sweet two year old whine machine. Of course, it's a different kind of whining here... "You want it done by WHEN??" like it's such a huge deal. Whatevs.

    Leave black dog at home. That pulling shit makes me crazy with my black dog.


  4. And see, right now all I want to do is never have to go to this stinkin' job again and just be a stay at home mom! And you are telling me that it is NOT the Maury watching, Ben & Jerry's eating, bubble bath taking, wine drinking paradise that I imagine it to be??? Just great, Jo. Crush all my hopes and dreams.

  5. I think you need a beachy vacation (better go all inclusive to support the alcoholism). Also, you should put up some LOST posters to reunite the owner of the Victoriai's Secret apparel and their garment. Let them know that it's a poorly kept secret when left along the side of the gravel path.

  6. I would give my left tit (pun fully intended) to know who lost their bra on a hike.

  7. I would not have a shred of sanity if I didn't take Nico to daycare 4 days a week to go to an office where it's peaceful and quiet and all I have to do is crank out code all day. I respect women who choose to stay-at-home as a job because there's NO WAY I could do it. And if anyone wants to judge me for that, I'll be over here, not listening to you. ;-)

    Hang in there Johi!