Monday, August 20, 2012

Sometimes the glass is half full of pee.

Being the positive person that I am, I like to pretend that every freaking day is new- therefore it will be fabulous! Because everyone knows that new things are the bomb.

* New shoes- yes please!
* New food- so much better than the old dead food that was growing mold in the back of the fridge!
* New underwear- fresh and clean! sounds great! just like Mom told me to wear in case of a car accident!





When I awoke at 4:30 am the other day because I felt the tickle of the tiny legs of a spider on my neck, I didn't even get angry! I merely smashed the damned spider with my fingers.  Being the glass-half-full type of person that I am, I thought, It's FINE! It's a new day...soon... like right after I get three more hours of sleep... then it will be a new day...

Then I laid in my bed for at least 45 minutes and felt like there were creepy spiders crawling all over me, and I realized that I was not getting back to sleep anytime soon.

Quietly, so as not to wake my snoring slumbering husband, I crawled out of bed and slipped into my walking shoes. Nothing starts a new day right like a quiet early morning walk with the canines!

As the dogs yanked and pulled on my arm the entire way so that they could shit and piss all over everything we encountered, I thought, IT'S OKAY. It's a New Day! As soon as I have a little coffee, all will be grand!

The rest of the family had awoken upon my arrival home. As I entered the chaos of morning at my house, I fell into my normal routine: I sipped the required amount of coffee, changed a poopy diaper, broke up a fight, yelled at some people, put some people into time-out, told the dogs to stop barking, submitted to the demands for popsicles for breakfast, stepped on three Legos and one HotWheels and watched Scooby Doo with the kids. It was magical, just as it is every morning. Then Brock took the children outside and as I was carrying the various water cups to the sink I realized something was unusual. I was ALONE. I was alone in my house. I looked around at the total destruction that was formerly known as my kitchen and living room and sighed. I knew that it would take hours, if not days, to shovel through the massive piles of crap. So instead of cleaning it, I decided to take a rare luxury for myself and I ran water in the tub for a bath.

Please know that I have fairly decent hygiene. I floss regularly and I shower almost every day, sometimes twice a day. Every so often I even brush my hair! But a BATH is a special occurrence that only happens about four times a year, mainly because I am in a house full of boys and dogs, all of whom use the tub. And the caulking is black and needs to be replaced. And there is a weird horse head shaped hole in the door to get to the plumbing that I KNOW is housing a spider colony. And did I mention that it is the bathroom that the BOYS use? It is not exactly a tranquil environment, no matter how many candles are lit and how loud Sarah McLachlan is playing. And I'm a parent, so alone time in any room is laughable.

Once the bathtub was full, I slipped my weary mom body into the lavender scented water. I laid my head back, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Still a new day. Heaven.

That is precisely when I heard Brock yell from the back door, "Johi! You have to come and see this!"

I politely hollered, "I'm in the tub! Take a picture!"

Then I listened for more demands but heard nothing. Again, I sighed as I laid my head back, rested my eyes and felt the hot water soothe my achy muscles. I washed the spider trail from my neck and sedated myself with the relaxing smell of lavender, the feeling of the water as it enveloped me and the sounds of silence.

That is when I heard Brock again, this time just outside the window, "You HAVE to see this!"

I calmly screamed, "NO! I DON'T!"

Except he was relentless with his enthusiastic demands, "Just look out the window!"

I emitted an exasperated snort as I climbed out of the tub and wrapped myself in a towel. It was clear that he was not going to stop harassing me until I looked at whatever it was that was so damned exciting to him.

This is what I saw it, and I immediately knew that there was no hope for the remainder of the day.


Brock stood just outside the bathroom window, with both boys' eyes fixed on him and their mouths skewed in simultaneous fascination and horror, holding an extremely thickset snake.



Thing 1 said, "But Mommy DOESN'T LIKE snakes!"

I replied, "That's right Buddy, so don't ever pick one up, LIKE DADDY IS DOING RIGHT NOW."
(I have also been recently heard saying, "Don't throw rocks at your brother!" then 30 seconds later, "BROCK! Don't throw a tennis ball at his head right after he got in trouble for throwing rocks at his brother!")

Brock, heady with exhilaration, asked, "Is this the biggest snake you've ever seen, OR WHAT?"

And because I am a lady, I chose not to tell him at the time that NO, it was not the biggest snake I have ever seen, because my childhood friend and I once busted into her mother's stash of PlayGirl magazine and saw some HUGE, mind blowing, mothereffing snakes. Instead I simply replied, "No."

And I shrugged on my bathrobe, declared the "new day" dead to me, and spent the remainder of the day on the lookout for my entire list of phobias, which may or may not include clowns, fallen electrical wires and Michael Bolton.
There are certain days, no matter how new I like to believe they are, that just cannot be recovered.


Peace, Love and PlayGirl,
Johi

Don't forget to cast your vote for me HERE, so that when I flee the house make a resume I can add "League of Funny Bitches, MOTHERFUCKING ALL-STAR" to my long list of awards. It will go right under "I won a guessing contest in the 6th grade. It was a jar full of buttons. I have a trophy."


25 comments:

  1. A few notes:

    1) hahahaha, you are FUNNY :)
    2) I demand popsicles for breakfast on the regular. My boyfriend would sympathize with you.
    3) Sarah Mclachlan, oh my goodness! What a gem, amirite?
    4)A SNAKE? nope. NOPE. Too icky.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A.) Thank you! You should be around me when I'm drunk- I'm REALLY funny then.
      2.) I've been buying these protein smoothie things and freezing them. And then, silently, I'm all "MUAHAHAHA! You just licked carrot juice and soy!"
      45.) I love her. Except those Humane Society commercials- because they make my weepy.
      T.) Snakes are not okay with me either, although I am rather fond of toads.

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  2. "WHAT THE @#$% IS UP WITH ALL THESE SNAKES ON THE MUTHA@#$%IN' PLANE!?!?" Sorry, the moment just called for a little Saumel L. Jackson because I believe that every moment calls for a little Samuel L. Jackson. Your story just confirms my original theory: outside = bad, inside = good. That is all.

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    1. There is a reason that I did not see the movie "Snakes on a Plane". Mostly because it was called "Snakes on a Plane". Samuel L. Jackson couldn't even right that wrong.
      I'm surprised Brock didn't bring the snake into the bathroom so that I could see just how big it was (no sexual inuendo intended). I guess he probably knew that I would stab him. He can be pretty perceptive like that.

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    2. I'm glad somebody referenced Samuel L.

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  3. I can't say I share your fear of snakes and spiders (have caught the former, killed or freed the latter) Michael Bolton scares the willies out of me!

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    Replies
    1. I really don't FEAR spiders- unless they are giant and hairy, or look like they would be really crunchy when I smashed them, or they are crawling on my face/neck when I sleep.
      Michael Bolton- blech!

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  4. See, this is why I am glad my husband is actually afraid of snakes and I'm not. I would be more likely to pick up a snake and say, "hey, look at this!" The hubs would be more likely to try to show me his snake while I was taking a bath. Inuendo intended.

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  5. Well, you lasted longer than me. If I'd been woken up by a spider, the boyfriend, the cats, the dog, the internet, and possibly the International Space Station would have known about it.

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    Replies
    1. The spider has visited me the last three nights by crawling on my face. NOT OKAY!

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  6. "And because I am a lady, I chose not to tell him at the time that NO, it was not the biggest snake I have ever seen, because my childhood friend and I once busted into her mother's stash of PlayGirl magazine and saw some HUGE, mind blowing, mothereffing snakes."---BWAHAHAHAHA!

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  7. Typical Man, always thinking his snake is mindblowingly huge. Just when we need a bath, and some quite time, they want to show us their snakes!

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  8. I have now associated snakes with bathtubs.
    Thank you for my new neurosis.
    (Think of the money I'll be saving not buying all those lovely scented bathing bubbles.)

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    Replies
    1. A snake IN a bathtub is really not okay. At all.

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  9. Old farmhouses - quaint, but mother-effing Mecca for critters. My "rule" for creepy crawlies - if I see them, they must die. And I don't know abOut you, but I dance a little jig every time a hear a mouse trap snap. I may be warped, but this ain't the city I live in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Critters (other than my chosen pets) do not get to reside in my house with me. Not. Okay.

      I won't even tell you about the time I went ballistic on some mice in a trash can. It wasn't one of my finer moments.

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  10. Ha ha, oh dear. My father is totally terrified of snakes and I had no idea when I was a kid. My mother read an article about how kids pick up their parents' fears and so she always made a point of calling me over whenever a snake was around and encouraging me to hold it. Looking back, I remember that my father was NEVER ANYWHERE AROUND when this happened. But at least I'm not scared of snakes. Tell your hubby to LEAVE YOU IN THE BATH next time. For the children :-p

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    1. I will share this story with him, most certainly!

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  11. I don't know why you say the caulk needs to be replaced - I hear black caulk is the best.

    Thought I should go all out with my first comment on your blog.

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    Replies
    1. *standing ovation*

      I read this to my dirtiest friends and they all loved it.

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  12. Seriously, he couldn't have just taken a picture? Did you lock him out of the house after that?

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    Replies
    1. No use. He knows where the hide-a-key is and I certainly wasn't going out there to get it!

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