* New shoes- yes please!
* New food- so much better than the old dead food that was growing mold in the back of the fridge!
* New underwear- fresh and clean! sounds great! just like Mom told me to wear in case of a car accident!
When I awoke at 4:30 am the other day because I felt the tickle of the tiny legs of a spider on my neck, I didn't even get angry! I merely smashed the damned spider with my fingers. Being the glass-half-full type of person that I am, I thought, It's FINE! It's a new day...soon... like right after I get three more hours of sleep... then it will be a new day...
Then I laid in my bed for at least 45 minutes and felt like there were creepy spiders crawling all over me, and I realized that I was not getting back to sleep anytime soon.
Quietly, so as not to wake my
As the dogs yanked and pulled on my arm the entire way so that they could shit and piss all over everything we encountered, I thought, IT'S OKAY. It's a New Day! As soon as I have a little coffee, all will be grand!
The rest of the family had awoken upon my arrival home. As I entered the chaos of morning at my house, I fell into my normal routine: I sipped the required amount of coffee, changed a poopy diaper, broke up a fight, yelled at some people, put some people into time-out, told the dogs to stop barking, submitted to the demands for popsicles for breakfast, stepped on three Legos and one HotWheels and watched Scooby Doo with the kids. It was magical, just as it is every morning. Then Brock took the children outside and as I was carrying the various water cups to the sink I realized something was unusual. I was ALONE. I was alone in my house. I looked around at the total destruction that was formerly known as my kitchen and living room and sighed. I knew that it would take hours, if not days, to shovel through the massive piles of crap. So instead of cleaning it, I decided to take a rare luxury for myself and I ran water in the tub for a bath.
Please know that I have fairly decent hygiene. I floss regularly and I shower almost every day, sometimes twice a day. Every so often I even brush my hair! But a BATH is a special occurrence that only happens about four times a year, mainly because I am in a house full of boys and dogs, all of whom use the tub. And the caulking is black and needs to be replaced. And there is a weird horse head shaped hole in the door to get to the plumbing that I KNOW is housing a spider colony. And did I mention that it is the bathroom that the BOYS use? It is not exactly a tranquil environment, no matter how many candles are lit and how loud Sarah McLachlan is playing. And I'm a parent, so alone time in any room is laughable.
Once the bathtub was full, I slipped my weary mom body into the lavender scented water. I laid my head back, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Still a new day. Heaven.
That is precisely when I heard Brock yell from the back door, "Johi! You have to come and see this!"
I politely hollered, "I'm in the tub! Take a picture!"
Then I listened for more demands but heard nothing. Again, I sighed as I laid my head back, rested my eyes and felt the hot water soothe my achy muscles. I washed the spider trail from my neck and sedated myself with the relaxing smell of lavender, the feeling of the water as it enveloped me and the sounds of silence.
That is when I heard Brock again, this time just outside the window, "You HAVE to see this!"
I calmly screamed, "NO! I DON'T!"
Except he was relentless with his enthusiastic demands, "Just look out the window!"
I emitted an exasperated snort as I climbed out of the tub and wrapped myself in a towel. It was clear that he was not going to stop harassing me until I looked at whatever it was that was so damned exciting to him.
This is what I saw it, and I immediately knew that there was no hope for the remainder of the day.
Brock stood just outside the bathroom window, with both boys' eyes fixed on him and their mouths skewed in simultaneous fascination and horror, holding an extremely thickset snake.
Thing 1 said, "But Mommy DOESN'T LIKE snakes!"
I replied, "That's right Buddy, so don't ever pick one up, LIKE DADDY IS DOING RIGHT NOW."
(I have also been recently heard saying, "Don't throw rocks at your brother!" then 30 seconds later, "BROCK! Don't throw a tennis ball at his head right after he got in trouble for throwing rocks at his brother!")
Brock, heady with exhilaration, asked, "Is this the biggest snake you've ever seen, OR WHAT?"
And because I am a lady, I chose not to tell him at the time that NO, it was not the biggest snake I have ever seen, because my childhood friend and I once busted into her mother's stash of PlayGirl magazine and saw some HUGE, mind blowing, mothereffing snakes. Instead I simply replied, "No."
And I shrugged on my bathrobe, declared the "new day" dead to me, and spent the remainder of the day on the lookout for my entire list of phobias, which may or may not include clowns, fallen electrical wires and Michael Bolton.
There are certain days, no matter how new I like to believe they are, that just cannot be recovered.
Peace, Love and PlayGirl,
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