Thursday, August 9, 2012

Day 1 at BlogHer 2012, Alternately titled: How to transform yourself into a Trollop

I am constantly surprised by the things that I hear myself say. For instance, I enthusiastically told random people, "I am going to a blogging conference in New York to meet a bunch of people that I have only corresponded with online!" *insert my best cRaZy face and listener backing away from me here* Because those words also started sounding completely insane to me, I reported to the next batch of people, "I'm going to a writer's conference in New York! Katie Couric and Martha Stewart are speaking! I think it is a pretty big deal!" *insert my best charming smile and listener congratulating me here*. Then I read my BlogHer emails and I was also able to add, "And President Obama is personally addressing us!" I was practically getting a standing ovation from those conversations.

BlogHer was a grand adventure and a wonderful learning experience. Although I really wasn't sure what to expect from the conference itself,  I was certain that I was supposed to be there and that the learning would somehow just, well... penetrate me (thanks to Noa for opening my mind and allowing me to use that word in so many new and improved ways). And it did. I absorbed so much information that I was psyched to come home to my computer and WRITE. (And no, I did not take my laptop. I packed too many shoes and handbags. There was no time to write as I was too busy being penetrated with information.) Honestly, one of my main reasons for going was to connect in person with some of my online friends. I achieved that goal as I was able to meet Jen, Noa, Misty, Elizabeth, and Thoughtsy- bloggers that I have been reading for some time. I also made some new connections with JulesAccidental Stepmom and Miss Savvy Pants.

I saw a snippet of Obama's address, but it was on the day that I arrived and I was travel weary, so I tiptoed away from the monitors and went to my room to stretch out on the bed for a few minutes. Because I do many lame things, I have become quite schooled in which of my friends I need to talk to when seeking validation for my actions. So I texted Jen, a staunch Republican.

Me: Is it bad that I am choosing a nap over the President addressing us?
Jen: You're asking a Republican that? Pfft! Bitch, please!

And I kicked back and closed my eyes.

Early the next morning, I was sleeping while everyone else at BlogHer was attending the free breakfast. Jen saved Misty and I by personally delivering Starbucks.

Of course, I showed up late for the first session that I attended, which led to me sitting on the floor of an overcrowded, under-air conditioned room. I quietly left early because whatever was being discussed wasn't capturing my attention. I knew this when I found myself thinking about other things- like the fire code and if my husband remembered to return our Netflix movie and why people don't wear deodorant...

I soon found myself in the Expo, along with Jen and Misty, talking to sponsors and collecting some rad swag. I located my breakfast in Oikos yogurt booth and washed it down Dole frozen fruit cup (pineapple- get those enzymes!)- both got a big thumbs up from me. After a bit more aimless wondering, I spoke with some reps from the Verizon booth and talked to the Honey people about honey (not the Jessica Alba movie, the food). I was super stoked to find the Udi's Gluten Free (from Denver *fist pump*) booth in the Expo! My family buys Udi's products every week from our local King Soopers and I was able to try some delicious new food at their booth. Just before leaving, Jen and I signed up for a free manicure at the Bailey's booth. Doi. It was FREE.

Jen and I headed to our second session of the day about fashion blogging. It was fantastic, very informative and had a lovely, diverse panel. I definitely got some grand ideas for my next fashion post. Unfortunately, the lure of free manicures was dangling over our heads and we excused ourselves a little early so that we could have pretty hands for a day or two (or about 8 hours, in my case). As everyone knows, getting your nails painted expends quite a bit of energy, so I left hungry and searching for food. Being from Iowa, I'm a big fan of meat, more meat and meat-like products. I eventually wound up sniffing around in the Hillshire Farms booth. The friendly chefs there created a custom plate of delicious, drool inducing chicken apple sausage with rice and veggies. Then we saw the sun dude from the commercials.

Jen and I are tight with many celebrities.

There was also quite a buzz about a certain, special booth at BlogHer. Women all over BlogHer were pulsating with excitement about the Trojan booth and all the talk it was causing quite the ripple effect. You see, the lovely people at Trojan were giving all of the hard working bloggers VIBRATORS! (Look for a giveaway from me soon!) Naturally, that booth was on our list of places to stop, merely so that we could see for ourselves what all the titillation was about.

Jen said, "I going to grab my dildo, then take a shower."
I replied, "Let me finish with this sausage and I'll come too."

(You put a couple of humor bloggers together and the shit practically writes itself)

Upon exiting the Expo Hall, loaded down with swag, stuffed with sausage and heading to the Trojan booth, I noticed that it was lunch time- also known as "Martha Stewart time". Between you, me and the entire Internet, I have only tuned into Martha's show about five times, and every time I watched her show I noticed that she would always work the fact that she was once a fashion model into her dialogue. I also noticed how she was constantly interrupting her guests and then inserting her own expertise when they should have been speaking. I will not deny her business savvy, her wealth or her ability to create a beautiful table, but I'm probably not signing up to be president of her fan club anytime soon. Plus I was completely STUFFED from all of the grazing I had done in the Expo. BUT, in an effort to look less insane, I had shamelessly used her star power and told people that "Martha Stewart will be speaking!", so I felt like I should engage. I walked into the crowded room to snap a picture and was immediately yelled at by an angry blogger carrying not only soup, but some sort of a God complex. I took it as a sign that Martha was going to interrupt the interviewer to mention her time modeling, so I left for a more important activity.

There she is. She used to be a model, you know.

And then we picked up our free vibrators and headed to the room....

where the legendary sister wives hair braiding commenced. Finally.

Jen has GREAT hair, by the way.

After a quick pillow fight, then a shower, it was time to deal with a bit of a fashion quandry. The time had come to prepare ourselves for The Voices of the Year reception, where our friend and fellow Funny Bitch, Elizabeth was reading this masterpiece. Yet, earlier in the day, I had been informed that Ree Drummond, The Pioneer Woman, was going to be at the Land O' Lakes booth right before The Voices of the Year reception. I am a big fan of PW and had a previous failed attempt at meeting her. Since I am a firm believer in second chances, I saw this as my opportunity!

It was 3:30.

So I did what any girl would do, I slipped into my blue sequined dress that I had selected for The Voices of the Year reception and went to the butter booth to meet the squeaky clean, wholesome, all American Pioneer Woman.

It was 3:30 in the afternoon and I was decked out in a navy blue disco ball.

Surprisingly, I was the only one at the "I'm a butter-loving, serve your dinner with a non-ironic smile, Betty Crocker baking" Land O' Lakes booth dressed like a low to moderately-priced call girl at 3:30 in the afternoon.

Also to my surprise, I did not find my picture with the Pioneer Woman on the Land O' Lakes facebook page, like they said I would. I saw pictures of the women to my left and right. I saw pictures of the women in front of and behind me. But I did not see a picture of me in a sequined frock at 3:30 in the afternoon standing beside the lovely, flame haired PW. I told myself that they didn't post it because the glare off of my dress inflicted momentary blindness and/or seizures, but I think it may have been because my Hooker-look didn't fit their Mother Earth Butter Love image.

Whatever. Trollops love butter, too.

Here is the Pioneer Woman, my strumpet whore dress
and my GIANT NOSTRIL. I could probably fit
an entire stick of Land O' Lakes butter up that thing.

The Voices of the Year Reception was PHENOMENAL and I would highly recommend it to anyone considering BlogHer 2013. Fourteen amazing woman and one hilarious man read their stories in the categories of humor, heart, identity, OpEd and parenting; and I was riveted and moved by every one of them.

When that was over, Misty, Jen and I went to an "Open Mic Night" where both of my friends read a piece of their own to a crowd of people. Speaking in public makes me heavily perspire, then vomit, so I cowered in the back of the room and cheered on my friends.

Then the time had come. It was Sparklecorn Time. Sparklecorn= THE party of BlogHer parties.

And we Sparkled.....

And we glittered like Solid Gold Dancers!

And we were Corny....
(with a despondent Kristen Stewart)


And we missed Bex....

Then we left early because we are old, boring and need sleep. And when Misty and I opened the door to our refrigerator-less room and walked into a wall of stench that can only be described as a thrift store gym bag filled with farts, failure and roadkill, I realized that I should have thrown out my $90 piece of salmon from the previous evening.

To be continued.....


  1. I am reading this at 3pm Friday afternoon in my office. My office assistant is sitting beside me doing actual work stuff while I troll the internet like the web whore I am. Upon finishing this great post, I ommited a deep heartfelt sigh & said outloud to no one in particular, 'I love my friends I've never met'. I really do hope y'all can plait my shaggy mop one day x

    1. We love you too Bex! And I look forward to plaiting your gorgeous locks. In fact, just tonight Brock said to me, "I've always wanted to go to New Zealand!" so maybe, just maybe, I will get to play with your hair while our man toys sit back and watch. It will all be very exciting.

  2. This was beautiful. So. Many. Memories. Best part of the entire trip? No, not the sausage man or the naked cowboy or even the free dildos. . .it was getting to meet my friends at long last. xoxo

  3. So sad I have missed it all. Next year!!!

  4. I GOT NO TEXTS! It's okay, I was in bed by 830 every nigh with my trusty Biofreeze and a heating pad. Both of which I could McGyver into some sort of weaponry just in case I run into someone in a suburban who isn't exactly legit.

    Is there a "I suck at blogging because of my undiagnosed ADD but I'm a phenomenal commenter when I get caught up once in a blue moon" category at BlogHer?? KELLY IN 2013.

    1. I'm sorry! I don't think that I have your number though... do I?

      I've been sucking at blogging this summer too, so if there isn't a category for that, you and I could be co-captains of our own new club!

      Feel better!

  5. I don't know what excites me more. My memories of you or my new vibrator.