Saturday, July 7, 2012

Where I train my husband how to properly oogle women and some other stuff.

My husband and I have been together for something like nine years now. I'm not saying that all of the magic is lost, but I will say that I'm writing this blog post on a Saturday night and my cat is winning in the realm of affectionate massage because he is kneading my stomach like a bowl of lumpy dough. But really, back to Brock and I, we're not just husband and wife, I also consider him my best friend. (Except for my other best friend, the one that looks like Neil Patrick Harris.) Which is why I feel the need to help him stay current on all things pertaining to the wonderful world of women. This is actually been a bit of a group effort, since a couple of my single girl friends have also kept him up to date on the social workings of properly sending and receiving naked pictures on a cell phone. Thanks ladies, I pay you back for that one some day.

I attempt to use every opportunity that is presented for growth and development. Sometimes my own, always my children's and occasionally Brock's. Unfortunately, I often walk around with my head up an orifice that will remain unnamed my BUM so I miss many of them. But last Saturday I stealthily spotted a situation that I needed to use for a MAJOR BLO. (Brock Learning Opportunity):

Brock and I were on an actual date, sitting on the outdoor patio of an Asian Bistro. Old Town Ft. Collins is buzzing with life on weekend evenings, and being avid people watchers, we were not for lack of entertainment. I noticed a cowboy sitting on the patio of the restaurant next door with his back to us. I could tell that he was a cowboy by his giant brimmed, palm leaf hat. Women kept stopping at the patio barricade near him. They were all leaning towards him, smiling and chatting. Naturally I was curious about the cause of this reaction from the ladies, so I shifted my chair to get a better look at Mr. Giant Hat. That is when I spied the reason for all of the female attention. A blue heeler puppy, no more than 12 weeks old was lying at his feet. Aha! The old "look at this adorable puppy" routine, also known as the number one secret to getting random women to talk to you.

I said to my husband, "If I ever die in a fiery crash, you should get a really cute puppy and take it to a public place in a nice neighborhood. You will definitely meet a woman that can potentially mother our children that way. Maybe she could finally train our dogs, too."

Brock said, "That's a pretty good plan. Especially since I'm such an old fart."

I said, "I know. If you have a puppy, the chances of women talking to you are 100%. I recommend an Australian Shepard, because they are the cutest puppies. You are welcome."

Exhibit A:


http://dogpicturesonline.blogspot.com/2010/01/australian-shepherd-dog-breed-picture.html
I'm gritting my teeth just looking at this picture.

Then later, on a different outing, the following happened:

(*This is a very accurate representation of the number of words each of us use per conversation. No wonder he doesn't listen to me.)

(*I have no clue what the woman's face looked like so I'm just assuming that she had a face and I improvised as best I could. Also, I'm not sure how to spell cantaloupe because I think it is a disgusting melon that smells like armpits. And I do know that you scratch an itch, not itch a scratch, but I do NOT know where we keep white out.)










Although this story is moral free, there are two and a half lessons to be learned.

1. Match your boob job to your body size- at least somewhat.

2. Don't whip your head around and stare directly at anyone with your mouth agape, unless your target is blind, then I'm pretty sure that they wouldn't notice.

2.5 Don't use watercolor with a random pen on computer paper- it bleeds. Also, don't get tired when drawing a child's arm, hence giving said child a club hand.

~ Do you do things like this with your significant other or am I the only strange bird in this land? Also, what kind of puppy do you think attracts the most attention?

Peace, Love and Puppies,
Johi



14 comments:

  1. This is totally normal. But: we disagree on puppies. CLEARLY, golden retriever puppies win. Especially if wearing bandanas or other accoutrements.

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    1. I feel golden retrievers are a close second to the australian shepherd puppies. I am also in favor of bandanas, which is why both of my dogs are wearing them right at this moment.

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  2. Ha! You are so good to your hubs. Then again, I think everyone who has been together for a while has had that same convo. I point out hot chicks or large boobs to the hubs all the time. I also bust him when he is being too obvious. HIs reaction . . . "I am always situationally aware."

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    1. " Situationally aware"- I love it.
      For the record that date was the same night that we saw the hoochies that I was telling you about. I really need to upgrade my camera phone skills.

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    2. I am in total agreement with mistylaws; I can't say anything more, sounds just like me and my subsequent best friend/hubby. :) Oh, I might add, love the Aussie puppies but my heart belongs to the St. Bernard pups. =)

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    3. I like those too, except for Cujo of course.

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  3. Um hello sister wife, not only can you produce gorgeous offspring, tame a bastard horse &'sing me Elvis Christmas songs on the internets but you can also goddam draw!!! My husband is some years younger than me, I have taught him many things ;) xx

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    1. The young grasshoppers are the most eager to learn. With Brock I need a megaphone and a lot of repeating myself. Maybe he needs hearing aids....or an ear horn.

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  4. Don't star directly with your mouth open? Crap. I'm not even into girls, but when their "girls" are that obvious, I can't help it. Seriously. Are you trying to look like Veronica from the Archie comics or something?

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    1. I know, right? The scary part of it all is how little I exaggerated. The most untrue part is that I drew my hair much thicker than it is in real life.

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    2. I just finished drawing my Thursday post, and I definitely took a "little" off the hips. Drawings are really flattering, and quite slimming.

      I love these pictures, by the way... they make my Crayola markers a disaster.

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  5. Ooo...good question... I prefer big shaggy dogs. Puppies are kind of yippy and annoying, to me. So I can't really say on the dog front.

    I would totally help Brett ogle if the occasion presented itself.

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    1. I have no doubt that you would help Brett. I'm enjoying following the story of you two.

      I have been around some very adorable non-yippy puppies. I have also been around some very annoying yippy fully grown dogs- they are fully grown to the size of a non-annoying puppy. :) But my dogs chase cars, clean their butts on my couch and bark at the air so I really have no room to talk.

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  6. I'm totally with you on the Australian Shepherds. I'm not really a dog person, but the one time I almost got a puppy, it was an Australian shepherd.

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