Wednesday, July 25, 2012

There Ain't No Time for Looking Pretty When You've Got to Slop the Hogs.

I'm posting about material goods again today, so if your not interested in reading more about my adventures in shopping, stop reading now and go finish knitting that candy corn hat for your cat. (I suggested the knitting, because I feel like that is nicer than saying "F*** off and go read someone else's blog!", and I am nothing if not nice.)

I realize that this is, indeed, a pumpkin hat and not a candy corn hat-
but you get the picture.



As much as I love shopping, I loathe buying new tennis shoes. I would so much rather spend money on books, a new pair of leather boots or a date night with martinis and my handsome husband, than to buy new work out gear. That is probably why my current pair is over three years old, broken down and covered in dirt, grass stains and.... is that bacon grease? Gee, could my crappy old shoes be the source of my back trouble? Surely not.

*The shoes in the picture are not my real shoes, they are merely actor shoes, depicting the truth.

In lieu of throwing those stinky old sneakers into my luggage with all of my fabulous NYC wardrobe, I decided that it was time for a new pair. Since I already had called a sitter so that I had time to return my now broken bleepity bleeping cell phone to Verizon,because taking children to the cell phone store is the equivalent fun level as birthing said children, I took advantage of my child free time for a little thing I like to call "Exercising my Credit Card". So I pulled on my fringed bag, adjusted my pink bangle bracelets and channeled my inner athlete as I headed next door to Runner's Roost for a new pair of sneaks.

Upon arrival, the sales associate was friendly and helpful, even though I was... well... me. First he asked if I needed stability for pronation or if my foot was balanced, to which I replied, "Oh, I'm unstable, for sure."

He stifled a laugh, which was too bad for him,because it only encouraged more dickery from me.

Then he proceeded to point out the styles that could provide the proper support for a lady of my Pro-Nation stature (Go NRA!). Of course I immediately established a love affari with the green shoes, but sadly, they cramped my toes and I hadn't even taken on my daily foot water yet. He next pointed at some white ones that he had in my Clydesdale size and I looked at him bleakly and said, "I can't own white shoes. I will wear them twice and it will look like I've been out slopping the hogs all day."

Then he asked, "How far do you typically run?". Thinking about my erratic walk, limp, spastic sprint, double over and gasp for air, walk routine, I replied, "About as far as Betty White runs every day. How far do you think I can run with my walker?"


Since the green were not in my size (why can't I have greeeennn? And WHHHHYYYY doesn't anyone make quarter sizes??? It's such a simple solution!), I ended up with a pair of grey and pink Nike's (of course! what other color would be available to me?), which is perfect because they will match my pink phone case, my pink tongue, my pink unicorn and the pink around my eyes. Also, the grey color should quite nicely camouflage the dirt and grime in which they will soon be covered. Because I'm a mothereffing lady.

When I was checking out, there was a high school student at the counter beside me and our friendly sales associate told her that she would get a student discount. Then I piped up, "I'll take that discount, because I'm a student of life." I don't think I got the discount, but I did get some new, non smelly shoes to wear for when I hobble around like an 85 year old woman with a plastic hip and call it "exercise". I'm tempted to try them out with my giant fanny pack, mom jeans, and terry cloth visor that I plan on wearing in New York, because aside from a camera strapped around my neck, what else would scream tourist more loudly?

Peace, Love and Pink Shiz,
Johi

16 comments:

  1. Ooooh...I'm going to try that "student of life" line myself. Good stuff lady. God stuff.

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  2. Ooooh...I'm going to try that "student of life" line myself. Good stuff lady. God stuff.

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  3. This comment has not. a. thing. to do with your post, but I was at work today and someONE had left a mug full of moldy water next to the sink. and you would have probably died to have this mug. It had not one, not two, but THREE unicorn flying through a flipping rainbow.

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    1. There is no way that a mug with unicorns on it could possibly grow mold. It is probably the cure to cancer. I hope you didn't dump it out.

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    2. ESPECIALLY with THREE unicorns AND a rainbow

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    3. Damn, I wish I had a lab rat to test it on. I'd split my profit with you, 90% me, 10% you.

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  4. First, that cat (?) picture is creeping the bejeezus out of me! I think that thing just stole part of my soul!

    Also.....what the hell did you do to your freaking phone NOW woman?? You are such a damn witch!

    Did you say mom jeans and felt visor? Um, I've been meaning to tell you......I think the hotel room is already full. Of cool people. Sorry, dorkasaurus! ;)

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    1. The cat is disturbing me, too. I think it resembles Pumpkinhead.

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    2. What? That cat is beautiful!!! hahaha! It probably is some really important royalty cat with a pedigree and everything.

      I am a witch. It cannot be denied. Except I ride a steam mop instead of a broom, cuz I love my steam mop.
      Dorkasaurus is my new favorite word.

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  5. I'm stealing that for my next trip on the CTA.

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    1. Um, I replied to this comment yesterday and I see it isn't here.

      I said something like, "I encourage stealing, even though I have no idea with the CTA is."
      Except I didn't end my original sentence in a preposition.

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  6. WTF? Isn't that always the way? And it's always the green ones for me too. Never can I get the gorgeous green ones. Some stupid little 51/2 shoed tart is probably sporting adorable little green shoes right now..I hope she has camel toe.

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    1. oh! You have tiny goat hooves- opposite of my giant Shire hooves. And I'll bet she DOES have a camel toe! Ha! Serves her right for stealing your itty bitty shoes.

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  7. As someone who actually HAS made a candy corn hat for her cat (although mine was crocheted because knitting is too haaaaaard), should I take the directions in this blog post to be aimed at me? I can't understand why but that was pretty specific (except for the crocheting vs. knitting part). (Yes, that IS my cat Samson, r.i.p., wearing my handiwork: http://cuteoverload.files.wordpress.com/hmmmm_2-1916-1-_tplq.jpg?w=500&h=675)

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    1. Good Lord NO. It just seemed funny and random so I went with it.

      Plus, I know you love fashion as much as I so that fact cancels out any other resemblance.

      and CLEARLY your cat's hat was crocheted. Doi.

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