Sunday, July 15, 2012

Tall Tales (Guest Post)

Today's entry is a guest post from JoEllen Krauss. I was excited to post this because it means that I have more free time today so that I can nap finish up those lingering projects. Also, I plan on having a get together later with a few of my girlies and I need to spackle on a little makeup so that no one has bad dreams tonight.

I'll get back to you later this week and tell you about all the excitement  in my life that lead to my absence at the computer. Here's a sneak preview:

This happened.

What do we have here? A tiny cowboy?

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend.

Peace and Love!
Johi


BIO:



JoEllen Krauss is a mom of two boys and divides her time between being sane and otherwise.  In her spare time she drinks wine and writes freelance for Providian Medical. In this guest post she shares some lies she’s told her kids to make it through the day.



Tall Tales I've Told My Son



Kids today know that sitting too close to the television has no effect on their eyesight and that swimming less than an hour after you have eaten will not, in fact, cause your stomach to spaz out, cramp and cause you to drown. These were lies told us by our parents to get through the day. I have, sadly, lied to my kid too. I’m not so sure I’m proud of these little beauties.

I have a perfect place for your artwork.
I am very proud of my child’s creations, but I'm not crazy. If I were the sentimental type, I might keep drawers and drawers of my son’s art projects, school worksheets and drawings, but really, who wants to end up on Hoarders? Not me. I’d rather limit the good stuff to one manila folder per year. I’ll happily keep the artwork that makes me laugh or cry and never depicts me as fat. The rest of it will go in a cylindrical file under a bunch of other trash where my budding artist will never see it.

That broken toy that was probably cheap and/or annoying? It needs to rest in my desk drawer.
I remember this cheap toy. It's the one he begged for and I relented to because I’m a spineless marshmallow. I’ll put it in my desk drawer and when I get the time, I'll fix it and it will be as good as new. Promise. Maybe I’m overly working my passive-aggressive muscles, but if he hadn’t been so persistent that day that I was a spineless marshmallow, we wouldn’t have this problem. My desk drawers are filled of reminders of my parenting failures. Yay.

The louder you are, the less likely I can hear you.
That whole inside voice/outside voice theory behind child volume management is faulty. It takes too much brain power for a child to decide if they are in fact in or out. Don’t even get me started on the screened-in porch or patio argument. In theory, if he wants to talk to me, he will run up very close, and speak to me in a clear voice like a civilized person. The problem with this lie, like so many others, is that it’s not true. My ears haven’t received the memo. I can hear his yelling perfectly and I yell back. Sigh.

The beef you’re eating? It was from a very mean cow.
It doesn’t help matters that so many of my kid’s toys are agricultural based and cute. (Hello, 18th Century? Would you like your red barn, farmers and animals back?) When my family sits down for a burger the question will come up. Where does hamburger come from? I’m honest with my son. It did come from a cow. One that was cute. It grew up to be mean, heartless and was a bully, no, it was a terrorist to all the other cows. It deserved a fate between two toasted buns. Tomorrow night we’re saving the chickens from a big, bad one named Clucky.

I am a 21st century parent so my creative manipulation of my kid is far more sophisticated than the your eyes will freeze like that variety. If I didn’t lie, then my days would be spent actually repairing those stupid toys. But then, if I waited an hour after I ate to swim, maybe I’d have time after all.

1 comment:

  1. too funny, love the Mean Cow theory. Just this weekend one of my friends confessed one of her own tall tales. She used to read signs to her small children as they entered stores..."This one says 'No children allowed, any child found in this store will be taken away and held in captivity'." then she would tell her children in order to get what they needed they would have to stay very close to her and be as quiet as possible so they were not taken away. BTW she is and has been a 1st/2nd grade teacher for 2 some years if not more. I love her dearly.

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