Sunday, July 8, 2012

Speak to Text: Making educated people look stupid since 2010

I have a love/hate relationship with the speak to text feature on my phone. I love it because I can be epically lazy busy and pushing a button and talking into your phone like you are a secret agent is easy and a little exciting. I hate it because it misunderstands me and types out sentences that make no sense. It also makes me look like I don't know how to use an apostrophe, nor do I know the difference between there, their and they're. These are the things that divide the classes, people. It's important. (Or if I was using speak to text, I would say "its impotent".)

My favorite time to use the speak to text feature is when I'm on my morning walks with Red Dog. My walk is my zen time to reflect, think and organize my mind for the day. Because some days I can't master "quiet reflection", I also use this time to text my single girlfriends to live vicariously through them see how their date went from the previous evening.

Here is today's conversation with my hot cougar/tigress friend. I'll call her Cougress. I'm the voice in green, using my speak to text feature so that I can keep Red Dog on a short leash to keep her from mutilating a baby bunny again. Cougress is the repetitive voice in grey, because AT&T was operating in an extra special way this morning and duplicating every text she sent (thus charging me, I'm certain.)



Then we went on to a more serious talk about her physical and mental condition.










Here is what I have deduced about my phone: Inside of my smart phone, there are three tiny people translating for the speak to text feature.

Let me introduce you to the first one. His name is Jethro. He is from the boonies, deep in the wooded thickets of Arkansas, and unfortunately his family tree did not fork. His older brother/uncle, Cletus, is a deaf/mute and his closest friend is a pot bellied pig named Bucktooth Sour Patch. Both Cletus and Bucktooth were instrumental in teaching Jethro all of his language and communication skills. Jethro enjoys trapping angry rodents, snipe hunting and collecting his toenails in a rusty coffee can that he keeps on the kitchen table.





Next is Jethro's Mail Order Bride, Svetlana. Svetlana suffered two severe head injuries in her youth, neither of which she ever fully recovered from, thereby causing her to accept three raccoon pelts, a string of beaver teeth and a live rattlesnake as payment for her hand in marriage. Upon arrival in Arkansas, she was immediately bitten by the rattlesnake and now suffers from partial paralysis in her tongue. She learned all of her English from Jethro and reruns of Baywatch. Svetlana loves anything with a tail, specifically Manicorns and goats, sniffing paint fumes, crafting head bands out of rodent tails and long walks through the barn.




Last but not least is Jethro and Svetlana's exchange student from Japan, Aito. Aito has only had six months of English and has far surpassed all of the language ability of his host family. Aito used to love soccer, reading and laughing with friends. Now he spends his time eating Twinkies (the only food in the house that isn't slaughtered on the front porch) and rocking himself in the fetal position in the corner of the goat pen while crying for home. Aito will later be diagnosed with severe post traumatic stress disorder and six kinds of parasites.





I hope that this has cleared up any confusion/frustration that you may be experiencing with the speak to text feature on your Smart Phone.

Peace, Love and Manicorns,
Johi



And in case you are unfamiliar with Manicorns (because they are elusive)....





What is your worst speak to text incident?



17 comments:

  1. I don't do the text to speach thing. That would drive me crazy. It's bad enough when my phone wants to autocorrect words, especially words like "shiz" or "fuck." It really doesn't like gangsta speak, apparently.

    That manicorn is magnificent as always.

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    1. Oh, and the pictures are divine.

      I apparently was taken over by one of those inbred peeps late last night whilst typing my reply, because I NEVER EVER would have spelled speech with an ea. But alas, it is so. See above. Sigh. Damn rednecks.

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    2. ALWAYS BLAME SPEAK TO TEXT!
      That is why it is there.

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  2. aha!! Caught you red-handed the Johi, we all love is back bitchez!!! Ya know, not that you ever left, but tellin' ya the pictures make the tale, or is that tail, damn phones anyhow!!!!

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    1. p.s. I wish I could blame my phone for the punctuation disaster in that comment, but alas our brains are cooked here in the midwest. I have no other worldly excuse!

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    2. I usually just assume that most of my readers are drunk. It's all good. :)

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  3. Who on earth would want a manicorn when there's a head-turning Jethro! Now just to figure out how to get him out of your phone! LMBO!

    I see the art nook is paying off already! ;)

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    1. I must admit something- I am quite fond of Jethro. The actual drawing is considerably larger and I may have it framed and hung over my bed. :)

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  4. Hehehe! U have WAY too much time on your hands. Plus...I'm a little worried about what is going on in your imagination. I think you need a camping trip! *hint hint*

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    1. I wish! And you should worry about the things that go on in my head.

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  5. My sister in law got autocorrected texting her boss about something that she messed up (keep in mind English is her 3rd language).

    What she tried to say, "Sorry for my incompetence!"
    What she said, "Sorry for my incontinence!"

    Her boss's reply: "Me too!"

    And by the way, that manicorn is sexy hot! The pink and purple really pull that outfit together.

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    1. See below, because not only can I not master English, I also have problems mastering the reply to comment function.

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  6. Having only recently mastered actual DIGITAL texting I feel speak-to-text would be a horrible, horrible idea. Most of what I say should never be heard, let alone immortalized in print.

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    1. Which is exactly why I love you and your blog (immortalizing your words in print since 2012)

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  7. Awesome!
    Three languages? I can't even master English. Can you tell her to stop making me look bad?

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    1. This was supposed to be the response to Leauxra!

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  8. Oh.MY. Gawd. The hilarity! Awesome. I'm so glad I'm finally back on here. YAY! The Manicorn is certainly elusive, but those pictures were priceless!

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