Everything you heard is true, I am a person that has been blessed by God with a shit-ton of seemingly useless talents. For example, I instantly memorize and store away the misinformation that I glance at in People magazine while in the check out line at the grocery store, but don't ask me to list the former Presidents or tell you where the pancreas or Sweden is located. I love decorating, fashion, art, comedy, dancing and music. Sadly, my dancing or music making attempts usually end in shame and humiliation, so instead I draw cartoons and attempt to amuse people with often ill-timed wisecracks and weird facial expressions. Sometimes people think I'm drunk when I'm not. Sometimes I help those people dress themselves or decorate their homes! Here is where I should have studied Business instead of Art in college- NONE OF THIS STUFF THAT I LOVE TO DO PAYS ME ANYTHING. Whoops. Minor planning snafu.
Because I am a go-with-the-flow giving sort of gal, I am here today to offer more of my free gift to you: I am going to use my stellar fashion sense and put together a handy dandy guide that I will call: "Do's and Don'ts for BlogHer 2012". Because I'm an opportunist, this could also be titled "How Not to Dress Like a Moron" or "Stop It. Stop it right now. Step away from the yoga pants and gym shirt from 1987."
Never having been to either New York City or any BlogHer Conference, and spending the majority of my time in sweaty work-out clothes (aka. my pajamas), I feel that I am an expert for all of your fashion needs.
- Pack enough that you give yourself options. As women, we often have emergency situations, also known as "Fat Days", "Bad Hair Days" and, if you are like me, "Whoops, I perspired heavily again". Having a variety of clothing and shoes to choose from will not only aid in overcoming these crises, it will also give you more options, thus making you feel indecisive and eventually late to whatever event you are attending. Or maybe that's only me....
- Always build your outfit from the ground up. SHOES, people, SHOES. Know what you want to have on your feet and go from there. And please, for the sake of my eyes, do not wear ugly shoes. If you are going to spend your money on one part of your wardrobe, BUY GOOD QUALITY SHOES. I have a solid selection of comfortable shoes and handbags of at least mediocre quality, and I use the clothing that I am wearing to accessorize my accessories. I also read magazines backwards and have been known to wear $400 cowboy boots with Target pants and Old Navy tops, so maybe I am not the right person to consult here.
- Make an effort to be true to yourself, yet honor the environment around you. In other words, if your days normally consist of wearing fleece, overalls and your husband's paint stained shirt, you need to get a new self image... and don't forget to close the gate or the pigs will escape. Looking to your friends for fashion advice is a great place to start- unless they wear the same crap that you do, then you people need to find a more stylish friend and look to him or her for advice. May I suggest the woman in the great boots at the school drop-off, your hairstylist or any gay man?
- Look at fashion magazines and non-crazy celebrities for influence. Clothing designers utilize both of these markets. Buy a couple of reputable magazines (no, The Enquirer does not count, neither does Field and Stream) and pour over them like you are studying for a final exam. With your new found information of what is trending, you dial a girlfriend and make a shopping date. Then you leave the kids with the hubs and spend a day finding similar items on sale in your local mall. I usually take these opportunities to have margaritas at noon, which always leads to the pictures that I will show you in my "Don't" section. For more clarification, if your inspiration outfit will eventually attract maggots or Charlie Sheen, or the celebrity's skin is orange and their hair looks like Flock of Seagulls, you might want to look for a style icon that is more "Charlize Theron" and less "Lil' Kim".
- Wear things that are figure flattering, comfortable and make you feel good about YOU. If you are not sure what flatters your figure, go to a nice store, find a friendly non-slack-jawed sales clerk who has surpassed puberty and ASK FOR HELP. Take it from this non-slack-jawed former sales associate, we LOVE helping people find something that makes them look and feel great. Having someone snap your picture in the clothing also helps you see yourself from the eyes of others and will give you an extra view to ensure that your back fat isn't hanging over your waistband. And don't forget the supportive undergarments.
|Don't underestimate the transforming qualities of a|
good pair of underwear.
But seriously, please don't wear these.
- Be fun and playful, but not ridiculous. Going to a new place to meet people that you've only met online may sound like the most insane thing that you have ever done, but you don't need to LOOK insane. This is why I am leaving my violently green leisure suit at home. Although I cannot deny the awesome of a well-timed prop, don't make yourself the prop. Keep it classy. You're not behind your computer anymore- this is a public forum. At least attempt to make people think that you are "normal". Be professional and save the dickery for your business cards, like I did.
Remember, when you make yourself look good on the outside, you will inevitably feel good on the inside. This is a Universal Truth, folks. It's just the way it works.
- Think that you have to look like an anorexic 13 year old to wear the current fashions. We all have figure "issues" that we are dealing with. For instance, everything that I put on is big in the chest, tight across my hips and tourniquet like on my giant man farm arms. I was looking for a cute chambray dress the other day and found one that fit everywhere except the biceps. It was so tight that I feared I would accidentally Hulk-rip myself right out of the sleeves. Instead of crying, I laughed. Especially after my friend said for me, "Do you need me to lift your tractor?" Also, don't shop in the Junior department unless you are teeny tiny and don't do manual labor.
- Take on the trends of a generation that is not yours. Just dress your age and everyone will be happy. Are you in your 40's? Then you are not a hipster. You already wore that shit... when you were in high school. Just listen to your Air Supply cassette in private and deal with it.
|"JUST CALL ME MELVILLE."|
- Wear too many hootchie pieces together. There is something to be said for a conservative dress paired with some sexy stilettos, or a low cut sundress with flat, braided leather sandals. But unless you want men waggling their eyebrows and asking "How much?", you want to be conscious that too much sex appeal does not a lady make. Be aware of how much skin you are showing. Be aware of your actual size. Be aware of men trying to give you cash for "services". They are not talking about pedicures. And for goodness sake, keep your lady bits INSIDE of your clothing. Remember, blood is meant to circulate, not pool in your head from the intense sausage casing that is your new skinny jeans. And always and forever, "Camel Toe- Just Say No!"
- Wear your gym shoes with jeans, or worse, capri pants. Unless you are hiking in the mountains and no one has a camera, you should not do this. Ever. There. I said it. Your options for footwear should extend beyond Nike, Crocs and Keens. Think of all of the homeless boots and strappy sandals and wedges that need your love and care. Do it for them. Leather is your friend.
- Take your "yes" friend shopping with you, unless you want to come home with cropped flared pants, anything that could be described as "a jumper" or something with a raccoon embroidery embellishment. People who always find something good to say are not going to help you with tough fashion choices. Instead, take your loud mouth friend that was born without a filter who shouts things like, "MOVE IT, YOU MUTHAS!" at the drop off zone at school. This friend also needs to drink margaritas at noon, have some fashion sense, and not be afraid to tell you that those jeans make your ass look bad.
- Polyester. Do I really need to elaborate here?
|Whatcha got in your jacket, there?|
|It's so wrong, it's right.|
No... no it isn't. It's just wrong.
Just remember, when in doubt, know that most women are essentially dressing up for each other. So dress yourself with confidence and your best accessory, a smile (unless your grill is jacked up, then I would recommend a large diamond or a fancy little dog)! And know that almost all of us are hiding cellulite somewhere.
Peace, Love, and Shiny New Shoes,