Monday, July 23, 2012

Fashion Do's and Don'ts for BlogHer 2012

I cannot tell a lie, most of my time recently has been spent wondering why I used to like "Who's the Boss?", trying to determine the source of that sticky substance under the table, lining up childcare for when I am in New York!!!! and planning my wardrobe for The 2012 BlogHer Conference. Did I mention that it is in New York City, The Fashion Capital of the United States? Well, it is, and I refuse to show up looking like I fell out of the trash truck as it was driving by my house. It's New York City and I'm going to be fancy, gosh durn it! Hey, has anyone seen my banjo?

Everything you heard is true, I am a person that has been blessed by God with a shit-ton of seemingly useless talents. For example, I instantly memorize and store away the misinformation that I glance at in People magazine while in the check out line at the grocery store, but don't ask me to list the former Presidents or tell you where the pancreas or Sweden is located. I love decorating, fashion, art, comedy, dancing and music. Sadly, my dancing or music making attempts usually end in shame and humiliation, so instead I draw cartoons and attempt to amuse people with often ill-timed wisecracks and weird facial expressions. Sometimes people think I'm drunk when I'm not. Sometimes I help those people dress themselves or decorate their homes! Here is where I should have studied Business instead of Art in college- NONE OF THIS STUFF THAT I LOVE TO DO PAYS ME ANYTHING. Whoops. Minor planning snafu.

Because I am a go-with-the-flow giving sort of gal, I am here today to offer more of my free gift to you: I am going to use my stellar fashion sense and put together a handy dandy guide that I will call: "Do's and Don'ts for BlogHer 2012". Because I'm an opportunist, this could also be titled "How Not to Dress Like a Moron" or "Stop It. Stop it right now. Step away from the yoga pants and gym shirt from 1987."

Never having been to either New York City or any BlogHer Conference, and spending the majority of my time in sweaty work-out clothes (aka. my pajamas), I feel that I am an expert for all of your fashion needs.

DO:

  • Pack enough that you give yourself options. As women, we often have emergency situations, also known as "Fat Days", "Bad Hair Days" and, if you are like me, "Whoops, I perspired heavily again". Having a variety of clothing and shoes to choose from will not only aid in overcoming these crises, it will also give you more options, thus making you feel indecisive and eventually late to whatever event you are attending. Or maybe that's only me....
  • Always build your outfit from the ground up. SHOES, people, SHOES. Know what you want to have on your feet and go from there. And please, for the sake of my eyes, do not wear ugly shoes. If you are going to spend your money on one part of your wardrobe, BUY GOOD QUALITY SHOES. I have a solid selection of comfortable shoes and handbags of at least mediocre quality, and I use the clothing that I am wearing to accessorize my accessories. I also read magazines backwards and have been known to wear $400 cowboy boots with Target pants and Old Navy tops, so maybe I am not the right person to consult here.

  • Make an effort to be true to yourself, yet honor the environment around you. In other words, if your days normally consist of wearing fleece, overalls and your husband's paint stained shirt, you need to get a new self image... and don't forget to close the gate or the pigs will escape. Looking to your friends for fashion advice is a great place to start- unless they wear the same crap that you do, then you people need to find a more stylish friend and look to him or her for advice. May I suggest the woman in the great boots at the school drop-off, your hairstylist or any gay man?
  • Look at fashion magazines and non-crazy celebrities for influence. Clothing designers utilize both of these markets. Buy a couple of reputable magazines (no, The Enquirer does not count, neither does Field and Stream) and pour over them like you are studying for a final exam. With your new found information of what is trending, you dial a girlfriend and make a shopping date. Then you leave the kids with the hubs and spend a day finding similar items on sale in your local mall. I usually take these opportunities to have margaritas at noon, which always leads to the pictures that I will show you in my "Don't" section. For more clarification, if your inspiration outfit will eventually attract maggots or Charlie Sheen, or the celebrity's skin is orange and their hair looks like Flock of Seagulls, you might want to look for a style icon that is more "Charlize Theron" and less "Lil' Kim".
  • Wear things that are figure flattering, comfortable and make you feel good about YOU. If you are not sure what flatters your figure, go to a nice store, find a friendly non-slack-jawed sales clerk who has surpassed puberty and ASK FOR HELP. Take it from this non-slack-jawed former sales associate, we LOVE helping people find something that makes them look and feel great. Having someone snap your picture in the clothing also helps you see yourself from the eyes of others and will give you an extra view to ensure that your back fat isn't hanging over your waistband. And don't forget the supportive undergarments.
Don't underestimate the transforming qualities of a
good pair of underwear.
But seriously, please don't wear these.


  • Be fun and playful, but not ridiculous. Going to a new place to meet people that you've only met online may sound like the most insane thing that you have ever done, but you don't need to LOOK insane. This is why I am leaving my violently green leisure suit at home. Although I cannot deny the awesome of a well-timed prop, don't make yourself the prop. Keep it classy. You're not behind your computer anymore- this is a public forum. At least attempt to make people think that you are "normal".  Be professional and save the dickery for your business cards, like I did.

Remember, when you make yourself look good on the outside, you will inevitably feel good on the inside. This is a Universal Truth, folks. It's just the way it works.

DON'T:

  • Think that you have to look like an anorexic 13 year old to wear the current fashions. We all have figure "issues" that we are dealing with. For instance, everything that I put on is big in the chest, tight across my hips and tourniquet like on my giant man farm arms. I was looking for a cute chambray dress the other day and found one that fit everywhere except the biceps.  It was so tight that I feared I would accidentally Hulk-rip myself right out of the sleeves. Instead of crying, I laughed. Especially after my friend said for me, "Do you need me to lift your tractor?" Also, don't shop in the Junior department unless you are teeny tiny and don't do manual labor.
  • Take on the trends of a generation that is not yours. Just dress your age and everyone will be happy. Are you in your 40's? Then you are not a hipster. You already wore that shit... when you were in high school. Just listen to your Air Supply cassette in private and deal with it.

"JUST CALL ME MELVILLE."

  • Wear too many hootchie pieces together. There is something to be said for a conservative dress paired with some sexy stilettos, or a low cut sundress with flat, braided leather sandals. But unless you want men waggling their eyebrows and asking "How much?", you want to be conscious that too much sex appeal does not a lady make. Be aware of how much skin you are showing. Be aware of your actual size. Be aware of men trying to give you cash for "services". They are not talking about pedicures. And for goodness sake, keep your lady bits INSIDE of your clothing. Remember, blood is meant to circulate, not pool in your head from the intense sausage casing that is your new skinny jeans. And always and forever, "Camel Toe- Just Say No!"
  • Wear your gym shoes with jeans, or worse, capri pants. Unless you are hiking in the mountains and no one has a camera, you should not do this. Ever. There. I said it. Your options for footwear should extend beyond Nike, Crocs and Keens. Think of all of the homeless boots and strappy sandals and wedges that need your love and care. Do it for them. Leather is your friend.
  • Take your "yes" friend shopping with you, unless you want to come home with cropped flared pants, anything that could be described as "a jumper" or something with a raccoon embroidery embellishment.  People who always find something good to say are not going to help you with tough fashion choices. Instead, take your loud mouth friend that was born without a filter who shouts things like, "MOVE IT, YOU MUTHAS!" at the drop off zone at school. This friend also needs to drink margaritas at noon, have some fashion sense, and not be afraid to tell you that those jeans make your ass look bad.
  • Polyester. Do I really need to elaborate here?
Whatcha got in your jacket, there?

It's so wrong, it's right.
No... no it isn't. It's just wrong.

Just remember, when in doubt, know that most women are essentially dressing up for each other. So dress yourself with confidence and your best accessory, a smile (unless your grill is jacked up, then I would recommend a large diamond or a fancy little dog)! And know that almost all of us are hiding cellulite somewhere.

Peace, Love, and Shiny New Shoes,
Johi

18 comments:

  1. What about those cheap knockoff shoes that look like a pair of crocs and a pair of toe shoes had a love child that they sell at King Soopers? Are they OK?

    On a serious note, I would wear the green suit EVERYWHERE if it were mine. THIS is why I am not allowed to go to New York. Probably. That and I don't have money.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anything item of aparrel purchased at a chain supermarket just screams KLASSY to me! Do it! I don't have money either. I'm just pretending that I do. It's fun!

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    2. um... apparel. Whoops. I only worked in retail for 10 years. You would think I would have that one down. You would think.

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  2. I have NO fashion sense whatsoever.... I know this because my wardrobe and daily outfits consist of jeans, a tank top and hoodie and either flip flops or puma's ..weather depending.

    I would not fare well in NYC.

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    Replies
    1. I resemble that remark. Flip flops, shorts and a tank are my normal daily ensemble. I am looking forward to shaking it up a bit next week!

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  3. YOU'RE NOT BRINGING THE GREEN SUIT? No. No no no no no no!!! No roommate of mine will come to New York without her green leisure suit! It's a prerequisite to bunking with me.

    Oh, and based on this list, you are gonna be waaaaaay disappointed in me. Fashion ain't my thing. And I may be bringing TWO whole paid of shoes. Just saying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That suit is DOUBLE KNIT POLYESTER. You would have to attach an IV drip to me just to keep me hydrated from all the water I would be losing to the depths of that fabric.
      Never fear, my dear. Jen and I will be there to assist you. I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!

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  4. This might be one of my favorite of your posts ever. I want to go shopping with you.

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    Replies
    1. Why, thank you. If you move back to Denver, we should do just that!

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  5. Please don't judge me too harshly on my outfit and shoes. I'm taking the train up and back in the same day, so I'm going for something dressy yet comfy. I promise not to wear sneakers with my dress.

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    Replies
    1. We are going to have a blast!!! Whenever I think of dresses with sneakers, I think of the Amish. In particular, long denim skirts with white sneaks. Very comfortable and practical,I'm sure. Except I'm not sure how they keep their sneaks so white on the farm. My white sneaks are all a greyish-brownish tint now. I'll probably be wishing I was wearing a long denim skirt with sneakers when my feet swell up and my back is sore and I am limping around like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

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  6. You can always, ALWAYS spot the tourists in NYC....They're the ones with the white New Balance sneakers...
    Good call.
    Post pix!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Oh, you know I will. I'll be with Misty, aka. "Ninja Photographer" and I am hoping that whe will teach me her tricks of the trade. The only problem is that my phone doesn't do well with moving objects so I'll be yelling at those people "HOLD STILL! IT'S ALL BLURRY!".

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    2. Yeah, that might defeat the whole "ninja" part of that photography exercise. Just saying. :p

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  7. I dress like a boy most of the time, because I am just such a boy. Wallet on a chain wearing, jeans slinging, t-shirt and a smile, boy. 'Cause that's how I roll Yo!
    So, when I throw it down like a girl, people's mouths hang open. I have class, and style, and love shoes, I'm just more comfortable being my boy self all of the time. Plus, I like to keep people on their toes!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like to change it up, too. It's fun for me to keep people guessing, but most of the time I just get bored with things. I LIVE in jeans though. They are a staple fo shizzle.

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  8. I agreed with everything you said until I turned 40, (2 years ago), at which time I pretty much said FUCK the rules and I will do what the hell I want. I see so many people making what I would normally consider to be questionable fashion choices and even if it looks completely outlandish to me, you know what? I applaud their individuality and their I-dont-give-a-shit. The only thing I still agree with is the sneakers with anything-but-gym-attire look; that still seems wrong. But if you have the body to rock your daughter's look, good for you. And if you don't but you THINK you do...GOOD FOR YOU. Frankly if I look insane, it won't be too far from the truth....ROFL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I remain firm that the lady bits should be inside the clothing.
      And don't get me wrong, I applaud individuality. In fact, that is how I often present myself. And there is nothing wrong with a healthy dose of cRaZy.

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