Well it wasn't. I was at the dentist.
Three hours away from my house/children/chores usually equals me returning refreshed and ready to dust the ceiling fans! Instead of feeling revitalized, I feel like I was on the losing end of a fist fight with three truckers and 380 pound drunk hooker.
I used to really like going to the dentist... when I was six, because my dentist was also my Grandpa. I called him Papa. He gave me sugar free candy and showed me the variety of color that teeth could be, which was when I decided never to be a smoker.
Yesterday's experience was less pleasurable than the dentist visits of my youth. Although the staff is super and my dentist is funny and competent, it was still not a joyful time for me. Especially since I didn't get nitrous. Seriously, if you are a parent of small children and someone is using metal tools on your teeth, you should get some sweet air on the house. It's the right thing to do.
Also, my mouth was cranked open for an hour or more and I haven't seen that kind of action since the late 90's. Come on people, I'm a married mom now. Bring on the house dress, the hair rollers and the chocolate. I don't want to work that hard... no pun intended. Now not only is my face swollen from having one filling and another tooth drilled down and a crown installed, my jaw hurts as well.
It seems that as sensitive as I am to many drugs, novocaine isn't one of them. I had to have three injections on the site of my crown because I was burning through that painkiller like Charlie Sheen "banging seven-gram rocks". I also had novocaine in both the top and bottom of the other side of my mouth because of a filling and a tooth so sensitive to cold that I feared that I was going to throw a punch during the constant icy air that was blasting on it. After I had a needle injected in at least five places (one of those went through a fair amount of what I will call gristle), I was finally numb enough to have the work completed. At the end of the day, I had no control of either side of my face and I looked like a stroke victim...or Joan Rivers. Then I tried to drink water. As you might assume, it did not go well. And yes, Brock laughed at me just before he asked me what I was making for dinner.
Apparently one of the perks to getting older is that your teeth start falling out of your head. Here, all this time I was looking forward to getting boobs, high heels and lipstick, when in reality "aging" is only a code word for "decaying". Many of my girlfriends have had a lot of dental problems since birthing their babies. I would like to blame my tooth rot on pregnancy hormones, but I can't. I must be honest and blame bad genetics. Thanks MOM, more shit to tell a therapist about someday. Or maybe it was the hard candy addiction I had in my childhood. I didn't matter if it was a Werther's, a lemon drop or a root beer barrel, I would mercilessly chew it up just moments after popping the delicious goodness into my mouth, undoubtedly leaving some petrified corn syrup stuck in the crevices of my molars. Do you remember the "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" commercial? One, two, three, crunch, THREE. Well, f*ck that noise, I could get there on number one. And I don't even like Tootsie Rolls. I just did it because I had the power.
When I was a kid my best friend was named Heather. Like normal children, she and I use to play on the playground at recess. Also like normal children, we were teased mercilessly by our peers. Like abnormal children, in brave anti-bullying fashion, we would run around like Avengers, throwing the mean, obnoxious boys off the metal merry-go-rounds and rusted monkey bars and onto the hot pavement below (and we laughed when they bled). We would scratch and bite our way through those horrible games of Red Rover. We basically had capes that no one else could see. Heather always had super strong, long fingernails; earning her the Superhero name of Catwoman. I had a super strong bite, earning me the Superhero name of Snapping Turtle Girl. I'm pretty sure Heather beat me on the cool factor when it came to our names. Just as I am certain that she was the one who thought of my superhero name. Seriously, a lot of awesome animals have severe teeth: tigers, alligators and bears, to name a few. Or even a beak, like an eagle or a bad-ass BlueJay, would be better than a snapping turtle.
Let's all take a moment and get a mental picture of Catwoman....
|Sexy, sassy, strong.|
And now let's think of a snapping turtle....
|Just scary. Really scary.|
|Somewhat cooler, but I don't even think these dudes are of the snapping variety.|
Shady Acres, here I come. Someone get me the number for Hoveround.
Peace, Love and Unicorns,
Snapping Turtle Girl
What was your worst/most memorable trip to the dentist?