Thursday, June 21, 2012

Just another evening of vaseline, rubber gloves and novocaine

Yesterday I had three whole hours to myself. It sounds magical, doesn't it?

Well it wasn't. I was at the dentist.

Three hours away from my house/children/chores usually equals me returning refreshed and ready to dust the ceiling fans! Instead of feeling revitalized, I feel like I was on the losing end of a fist fight with three truckers and 380 pound drunk hooker.

I used to really like going to the dentist... when I was six, because my dentist was also my Grandpa. I called him Papa. He gave me sugar free candy and showed me the variety of color that teeth could be, which was when I decided never to be a smoker.

Yesterday's experience was less pleasurable than the dentist visits of my youth. Although the staff is super and my dentist is funny and competent, it was still not a joyful time for me. Especially since I didn't get nitrous. Seriously, if you are a parent of small children and someone is using metal tools on your teeth, you should get some sweet air on the house. It's the right thing to do.

Also, my mouth was cranked open for an hour or more and I haven't seen that kind of action since the late 90's. Come on people, I'm a married mom now. Bring on the house dress, the hair rollers and the chocolate. I don't want to work that hard... no pun intended. Now not only is my face swollen from having one filling and another tooth drilled down and a crown installed, my jaw hurts as well.

It seems that as sensitive as I am to many drugs, novocaine isn't one of them. I had to have three injections on the site of my crown because I was burning through that painkiller like Charlie Sheen "banging seven-gram rocks". I also had novocaine in both the top and bottom of the other side of my mouth because of a filling and a tooth so sensitive to cold that I feared that I was going to throw a punch during the constant icy air that was blasting on it. After I had a needle injected in at least five places (one of those went through a fair amount of what I will call gristle), I was finally numb enough to have the work completed. At the end of the day, I had no control of either side of my face and I looked like a stroke victim...or Joan Rivers. Then I tried to drink water. As you might assume, it did not go well. And yes, Brock laughed at me just before he asked me what I was making for dinner.

Apparently one of the perks to getting older is that your teeth start falling out of your head. Here, all this time I was looking forward to getting boobs, high heels and lipstick, when in reality "aging" is only a code word for "decaying". Many of my girlfriends have had a lot of dental problems since birthing their babies. I would like to blame my tooth rot on pregnancy hormones, but I can't. I must be honest and blame bad genetics. Thanks MOM, more shit to tell a therapist about someday. Or maybe it was the hard candy addiction I had in my childhood. I didn't matter if it was a Werther's, a lemon drop or a root beer barrel, I would mercilessly chew it up just moments after popping the delicious goodness into my mouth, undoubtedly leaving some petrified corn syrup stuck in the crevices of my molars. Do you remember the "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" commercial? One, two, three, crunch, THREE. Well, f*ck that noise, I could get there on number one. And I don't even like Tootsie Rolls. I just did it because I had the power.

When I was a kid my best friend was named Heather. Like normal children, she and I use to play on the playground at recess. Also like normal children, we were teased mercilessly by our peers. Like abnormal children, in brave anti-bullying fashion, we would run around like Avengers, throwing the mean, obnoxious boys off the metal merry-go-rounds and rusted monkey bars and onto the hot pavement below (and we laughed when they bled). We would scratch and bite our way through those horrible games of Red Rover. We basically had capes that no one else could see. Heather always had super strong, long fingernails; earning her the Superhero name of Catwoman. I had a super strong bite, earning me the Superhero name of Snapping Turtle Girl. I'm pretty sure Heather beat me on the cool factor when it came to our names.  Just as I am certain that she was the one who thought of my superhero name. Seriously, a lot of awesome animals have severe teeth: tigers, alligators and bears, to name a few. Or even a beak, like an eagle or a bad-ass BlueJay, would be better than a snapping turtle.

Let's all take a moment and get a mental picture of Catwoman....

Sexy, sassy, strong.

And now let's think of a snapping turtle....

Just scary. Really scary.

Then there is always the Mutant Ninja kind of turtles, which I'm pretty sure weren't invented in 1982, when all this bad-assery was going down on the playground at Harmony Elementary School.

Somewhat cooler, but I don't even think these dudes are of the snapping variety.
It seems I took my strong teeth for granted and now I no longer have all of my real teeth in my head, unless you count a nubby version of your former tooth under a crown a "real" tooth, which I do not.

Shady Acres, here I come. Someone get me the number for Hoveround.

Peace, Love and Unicorns,
Snapping Turtle Girl

What was your worst/most memorable trip to the dentist?


  1. The dentist loves me, because I swear, I could brush with maple syrup and still not get a cavity. My husband on the other hand has to be roofied. Literally. And by literally, I mean LITERALLY. He is given a date rape drug. His chompers look gorgeous, but they break out into cavities at the mere suggestion of a lollipop.

    Also, I am worried about all the people who will end up here because of their google searches. Couldn't you make a consolation p*on link for them?

    1. I get so many porn searches that I'm over it. Those people can bite my green leisure suited arse and drink from my not lead free garden hose.
      Maybe I'll ask about the roofies next time....

  2. Girl, you crack me up! I too HATE the dentist and have super bad genetics. My gums bleed and hurt and I have to get juiced up just for a teeth cleaning.

    You deserve a real three hours away now!

    1. I agree. Three hours at a spa would probably do the trick!

  3. I seriously lofreakingl'd at so many parts of this. and what do I say from here....? I got nothing, i used up all leftover brainpower from today right there and then.

    1. Ha! I know all about using up the brainpower.

  4. Well, actually the turtle looks about like you . . . once all your teeth fall out from decay. You and your damn candy addiction.

    Although, I mus say . . . that Heather sounds like a bitch. Snapping turtle? You are much more of a Tigress, methinks.

    I agree that you need a spa day. Can I come?

    1. I haven't eaten that kind of candy in AGES. What the hell? Just a little chocolate here and there never hurt anyone, right?

      I assure you that between Heather and I, she is NOT the bitch. I wear that title like a badge of honor. I do like the tigress title too.

      Yes, let's spa.

  5. Did you ever wonder what would happen if the drill slipped and drilled into your tongue instead of a tooth? Yeah, I found out ...

  6. Before pregnancy: Dentist's words: "You have great teeth, take care of them." Heard that from youth up til....

    After pregnancy: Dentist's words: "Do you brush twice a day?" I could have back-handed him....or kicked him in the balls (yes, I said balls) had he been not standing over top of my face, (I'm just not that, but I did mouth off....and I got a sincere apology (I think)and an explanation that some women's teeth lose their calcium through pregnancies, thus, more cavities. Well....hmmm.....thanks for the education doc....considering my timing of "teeth trouble," seemed fitting...doh!

    It actually is devastating my teeth are not as good as they used to be.

    Conclusion: I despise going to the dentist.

    Side Note: Haha, love the story about you and Heather! Thanks for the Smiles!

    1. You didn't say, "WHAT? You are supposed to brush TWICE A DAY???" ?

      I am both an avid (probably anal) brusher and flosser. I also am overzealous in my use of mouthwash. Look where it got me.

      I threaten to punch or kick my health care providers all the time, for the record. Particularly my chiroprator, as he seems to take joy in making my cry out in pain.

    2. If you are an anal brusher and flosser, I think you might be doing it wrong. Methinks that might be why you are having problems with your MOUTH. ;)

    3. It would seem that way but all of my current problems are with old cavities. Like high school old... I have only had one cavity in the past 15 years thankyouverymuch! Ha! And you should see my gums. Beautiful. Just beautiful.

  7. I don't seem to get cavities that much anymore but I think that's because my mouth has decided it would be MUCH more exciting to go in for shit like ROOT CANALS. I have been putting off one for a while now because I am so scared, and my nerves are so oblivious to the various nerve-numbing things that they give you, that I wind up getting enough tranquilizers, shots and happy gas to bring down a fucking elephant. Which, now that I think of it, may be a good reason to go, because where else am I going to get THAT high legally?

    1. Ohhhh! Root Canals! Almost as much fun as jabbing a fork into your own thigh!
      Take someone with you to drive you home so that you don't have a Harold and Kumar moment.

  8. It's posts like this that make me remember to floss. Ouch! Hope your mouth feels better!