Monday, June 11, 2012

(Inappropriate) Conversations with strangers and other people, but mostly strangers.

I have put in many hours of "Stranger Danger" instruction with Thing 1. I even set up hypothetical situations, offered in increasing lure. First I talk about when the stranger is in a windowless white van and they gruffly whisper, "Come in here little boy, I have something to show you." Thankfully, that is never appealing to my child and he tells me that he would scream and run away. Then I say the stranger is a pretty, friendly lady who needs help finding her puppy and is offering candy to all eager helpers! I am always satisfied when Thing 1 answers with, "You yell 'NO! YOU'RE A STRANGER! and then you run the other direction and find a parent." Very wise young grasshopper. Very wise. Then I ask, but what if the man offers you ice cream and pony rides? "NO! YOU'RE A STRANGER!", says Thing 1 with confidence. Then I raise the stakes with, "What if they are giving away free designer shoes?"*, which causes Thing 1 to look at me in a confused way and ask if he can go play with that cardboard box in the backyard.

Aaaaand my work as a parent is done. Who needs social training and extra curricular activities when you have awesome stuff like cardboard boxes?

Why would I pay for soccer when we do fun stuff like THIS at my house?
Next we are pulling weeds! Wahoo!


*I would totally go for the designer shoes, by the way, but I am almost always armed with some sort of a weapon, a mind blowing loud 'man voice' and my ninja skills. Don't tell Thing 1.

I may or may not break rules all the time. For instance, I have a STRICT no animals on the couch policy.


Absolutely NO ADORABLE PUPPIES allowed....

I NEVER allow dogs on the furniture, especially dogs who rest their furry
heads on my throw pillows.





NO NO NO! NO ANIMALS ON THE COUCH!

I really NEVER (hardly ever) talk to strangers....unless I'm at the grocery store, or Target, or alone in a dark alley, or I'm out with my girlies. Because I'm street smart. And I'm a lady. I certainly would never walk by a window display of Buddhas and yell, "That's a shit ton of Buddhas!"



Or like when the guy walking his bike followed me through two crosswalks and around a corner and joked, "I'm not following you, I swear!" and I walked five steps as if I didn't hear him then looked over my shoulder and slyly said, "I'm not worried. I'm a Ninja." No way, I would never say that sort of nonsense.

And my friends would NEVER yell things like, "This martini is going straight to my nipples!" or "If I don't stop eating this cheese I am going to be in the bathroom all night." Nor would they say things like, "I don't do quotes. I just fart a lot."  Nope. Never.

We only quote Jane Austin.


Never ever would I talk to strangers while hiking on an isolated trail. Like when the two women asked me if I heard the howling and I may or may not have furrowed my brow and said, "It was probably just a werewolf. In fact, it was most likely TeenWolf making a comeback. Michael J. Fox is out here gettin' all hairy and stuff." Then I used my hand to emulate growing a beard and I hiked away, because I'm a lady.

And NEVER would I tell people that their destination was "Only 4.5 Land Units!". Nope. Because I would never talk to strangers and I would most certainly never fuck with them. Never.

I'm far too sweet and shy to mess with unsuspecting people.


And I would NEVER adoringly stalk Justin Bieber when I was out riding my horse. That would just be inappropriate because I don't personally KNOW The Bieb, which means that he's a stranger.

I'm only doing this so Thing 1 knows how wrong it is. I clearly have his attention.


What?



I'm so glad that I am here on this planet to help lead people on the path of KLASS, Good Karma and Righteousness. You. Are. Welcome.

Peace, Love and Unicorns,
Johi

9 comments:

  1. love how kids are entertained by something as simple as a cardboard box... adorable.

    Definitely some good advice you have there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have so much more where that came from.

      Delete
  2. If the man in the van has the GOOD candy, I'm in. But then again, I'm kinda a whore that way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This whole post was a huge, pictorial non sequitur of funny! Hilarious!

    I thought of you when I was out in Iowa for a family reunion this weekend. Iowa girls may go away, but we're still Iowa girls.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay! I'm always happy to entertain!
      So true about the Iowegians. It must be part of our DNA.

      Delete
  4. To add into your Stranger Danger list: If someone invites you to go trick or treating and it is NOT Halloween - do not go with them. (Overheard a father telling his kid this on the bus the other day while talking about seasons and holidays). I'd say that's pretty good advice.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, this a really, really old Blogger profile apparently associated with me when I choose Google.

      Delete
  5. I'm with Misty on the guy with the van. But only if he has King-Size candy bars.

    I'm totally stealing your ninja line. If that's ok with you.

    ReplyDelete