Monday, May 14, 2012

Mutha's Day- A brief recap. Part one.

My dearest second husband,

Brock, Brock, Brock.... haven't you learned yet? There are TWO days a year in which I believe with every fiber of my being that you should treat me like a princess.

Day 1: My Birthday (because on the inside I am nine years old and I still expect people to want to make the glorious day on which Johi was born a National Holiday)
Day 2: Mother's Day (especially since those two babies that I birthed blew out my uterus, gave me stretch marks, wear me out and fill my head and heart with worry on a daily basis)

I know that this is probably a lot of pressure for you to handle, seeing as you rarely plan ahead for anything , like seriously EVER, but I am steadfast in this expectation. So figure it out now, because armed with this knowledge, dark chocolate and red wine, we can blissfully live together until the end of time; and I won't ever have to propose to Hugh Jackman.

Thanks for the breakfast. It was delicious. And a big thanks for siring those two boys of ours. They're the best Things ever. The check for your stud fee is in the mail.

Your doting wife (who folds your underwear, scrubs your toilet and rolls your socks),

Here's the deal, peeps. I plan ahead, especially when the upcoming event has anything at all to do with me, because I'm a giver like that. So as Mother's Day loomed on the calendar, I was prepared to "help" Brock succeed in making it special for me. Let's face it, the Things are 2 and 4. A kiss from them is plenty. Brock is... older... and wiser, which distinguishes him as "the responsibility guy".

A couple of weeks ago Brock kindly and thoughtfully asked me, "So, what do you want for Mother's Day?"
I looked at my cell phone, the one that basically shit itself then imploded, and said, "I want the phone that Verizon is advertising for Mother's Day. The Droid Razor for $99."
He looked like he was thinking about cheese or the last episode of Lawman, so I repeated myself, just to be safe, "I want that phone. It's important to me."

About three days later, we repeated this conversation verbatim.

Three days later, again with the same question and the same answer.

I finally asked him, "How many times am I going to have to tell you that I want a new phone?  My old one has been eating texts like Jabba the Hut at an all you can eat buffet. I need a new phone. I'm probably missing calls. I can't use the picture funtion or check my email. I don't even recieve texts anymore. My friends all think I am an asshole because they send me texts and never get a response. So how many times should I repeat this?"

He earnestly said, "Probably a few more times."

I shrugged my shoulder and said, "Okay. I can commit to that..."

Finally, after a few more informative conversations, he wrapped his head around the phone. I knew he had the "new phone concept for Johi" firmly planted in his mind when he asked me what color I wanted. Then he said, "Pink?" and I said, "No, I do not want pink. What colors do they have? Do they make green, because green is my favorite color." (i.e.: Eleanor (my green chair), Spring/Summer (green leaves), the violently green leisure suit....hello!)
He said, "I think that they make make a green case but the phone comes in pink, black and white."
I said, "I'll take white."

And then I went on some rant about the color pink and how I may like it occasionally but it is not my favorite color, nor has it been since I was seven; and I mentioned how I was neither Barbie nor Elle Woods. I babbled on and on about how he always buys me pink when everyone knows that GREEN is my favorite color!
Whew! I thought I had made myself abundantly clear.

And then he and Thing 1 left the house for four hours to complete the phone acquisition. I stayed home on Mother's Day weekend and had a positively dreamy time cleaning the house from top to bottom.

Brock returned home with a white phone and a pink case.

Such is my life.

But I can text! Woot woot! Thanks honey.


  1. Well, at least he listened to the words you were saying. He just processed them in a different order than how they were escaping from your mouth. He heard phone white green and pink, and got 3 of the four of those words involved in that purchasing decision.

    And what's wrong with you? Don't you know that as a female you are obligated to love all things pink? What is with this green nonsense? Imma have to take away your girl card if this keeps up.

    But you have a new phone!! Woo-hoo!

    1. I am running to the store now to buy the pink canopy bed that I always wanted as a child. Brock will be thrilled to sleep in it tonight.

  2. Hooray for the new phone!

    Wait...I don't understand. You didn't want a pink phone?

    1. The only thing I can do for this post is "smile." :D Oh, I guess I might add...selective hearing seems to run like a rampant disease through hubbies. ;-)

    2. Ha. I will now wear pink from head to toe every day.
      Men most certsinly do have selective hearing

      And I talk too much....

  3. oops, didn't mean to post that below "thoughtsappear." My comment was meant to be separate. :)

  4. It's your own kept up on the Pink issue and he heard "Blah, blah, blah PINK, blah blah BLAH BLAH PINK!" keep those rants to your inner voice, never rant in your outer voice! Sorry. Glad you got your phone though.

    1. You are so right, Tina. I love the phone and I can find it in my purse. In fact, I'm replying to you from the pink phone right now.

  5. I probably would have been enraged. I read a study somewhere once that explained why men don't listen, but I couldn't tell you why or where I read it anymore. All I know was there was some scientific reason for it. Obviously, I did not care much for said study since I can't remember a dang thing about it. I choose to still blame Manfriend entirely for his lack of attention and all his other faults every time I have to repeat myself.

  6. Mothers day was so bad at my house, I'm not allowed to blog about it :(

  7. Mothers day was so bad at my house, I'm not allowed to blog about it :(

  8. Johi, I wanted to pass along a Liebster award to you. I absolutely love reading your blog.

    Check it out here:

  9. Just found your blog. Loving it.

    It's hard to understand how men can have such selective hearing and memories. Better to just pretend he was actually listening to you, yet has recently developed male colorblindness. I saw a made-up statistic somewhere that says 1/4 men are affected.

    1. What? I was watching baseball....

      Seriously though- WELCOME. Please remove your shoes at the door so that you can properly feel how dirty my floors are....