Friday, April 20, 2012

Honesty IS the best policy?

Folks, I need to be honest with you all. You may or may not have noticed that I'm discombobulated. My normal amount of what I like to call 'charming disfunction' has been replaced with 'please stay home, for the sake of the general public, and maybe I should remove the kitchen knives while I'm at it...', which is why I haven't been writing much as of late. I just don't feel funny. Well, I feel "funny", but not in a humorous way. Instead I have been feeling funny in a vaguely despondent, socially inadequate and aggressively hungry manner.

At first I thought that this change was just a new and overtaxed part of my awesome 'mommy' persona, or maybe just allergies. But then I realized that there has been a fairly large number of stessors in my life that are out of the ordinary. Of course, I just realized this on Tuesday (because I'm brilliant like that). I won't get into the details of what is happening, but I will say that I now am in full-on insomniac-by-night/zombie-by-day mode. To combat the sum of all of my newly acquired depressing events, I have been using my logical and trademark coping mechanisms; I have been buying shoes and attempting to eat my weight in cheese. I love the new shoes, but the cheese thing is not working out so well for me.

Since I'm being totally honest, it's not just cheese that I have been eating; it's all dairy products. Considering that I typically rarely eat dairy because it gives me hives, I have upped my consumption of it by approximately.... 200%. Also, I like sugar. A lot. I'm apparently just eating all of my feelings. Yay me. It's almost time to crawl under the covers with a copy of Wally Lamb's "She's Come Undone" and a pint of ice cream.

But now that I have started the process of dislodging my head from my nether-regions and emotionally vomiting all over a couple of patient friends, I am almost fully prepared to handle my feelings all by myself. Because I'm a big girl.

That's not true. I'm totally not ready to deal with anything, which is exactly why there is a nasty layer of schmegma along the toe kick of my kitchen cabinets, but I am forcing myself to buck up, because now is the time and the time is now. I need to stop wallowing in the dirty waters of chocolate and reality TV and forge ahead into the frightening territory of mission statements and salad.

Math is hard!

I talked to my friend today and she said, "Don't let your pain be the excuse to give fear authority over you." I told her that she sounded like Wayne Dyer and then we mutually amended it with, "or....eating your weight in dairy may or may not insulate you from the pain."

Therefore, good people, I do declare that the time has come for me to start writing my book.

In conclusion, I have no fucking idea what the focus of my book will be, but I vow to make it happen. If for no one else but the 177 people that "follow" me on Google friend connect. And also because I need to get brutally honest with myself about what the bleepity bleep I am doing with my life. And I need to FOCUS and I will Persevere!

Do you like these shoes? I just got them.

Honestly? Me too. I also braided my hair like Katniss today because it makes me feel powerful. Later, I will put on my Back Off sleeping mask that was gifted to me by my friend, The Cotton Floozy, and blindly shoot arrows from Thing 1's bow at the ceiling fan. It will be the highlight of my month.

While I am talking about honesty, I "came clean" to Brock the other night. It went like this:

Me: Hey, I need to be honest with you about something.

Brock: Okaaaaay.

Me: I purposely dug through your drawer this morning.

Brock, who took a long pause with a deer-in-the-headlights expression: And what did you find?

Me: Those super thick black athletic socks of yours. I'm wearing them right now. I'm also planning on wearing them to bed because I'm cold.
What did you THINK I found?

Brock: Dammit, I thought I maybe hid money in there and forgot about it.

Me: Sure.....

Wish me luck.
Peace, Love and Unicorns,


  1. I have a sleep mask that has huge creepy wide open eyeballs on them. It keeps the kids away from seeking me out in the middle of the night.

    Also, sometimes I think that we all have a personal mountain to climb. And sometimes we see that nicely paved road way, complete with signage pointing to the only way UP, and we go, "Damn. That's a steep climb. It looks hard. I think I'll go this way instead." And then, before we know it we're treading through mud and thickets, getting those stupid cockleburs stuck to our pant legs, and bitching about how hard our freaking climb is through mouthfuls of cheese. My point: You knew you were meant to write this book long ago. Probably when you were a teen. And yet.... for some reason you went off the road thinking it'd be easier to hack down weeds and small trees with a sickle. (Do people even use sickles anymore? Because they should. I'm going to go out and sickle my lawn this weekend just to see the neighbors reaction. They just moved in. I've got to assert myself as the Alpha Neighbor.)Anyway --- GET BACK ON THE FREAKING PAVED ROAD SO I CAN READ YOUR BOOK!!! Sure, it'll be a hard climb, and it'll get steep in points, and you might have to take a rest... but it's the road you're meant to be on.

    Also, I love you. Funky mood, dairy hives and all. And I'll be the first one to order your book. :)

  2. Aww, Jo-Jo. I'm so sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Sometimes cheese IS the answer! Or finally writing that book of yours. Just think, maybe one day you'll be as famous as The Blogess. And you will trace it back to this decision to get to writing.

    I love you. Big Hugs from across the country, girl. You are amazing. And I lurve those shoes!!

  3. Cheese and chocolate have also been my downfall as of late. I wish I could braid my hair like Katniss.

  4. I need to write a book too. Isn't it frustrating when you KNOW there's one in there and it won't come out ... like constipation?

  5. We are like twinsies! Except for the eating cheese part. (Only because I'm a self-diagnosed lactose intolerant.) I started my book while in my "insomniac-by-night/zombie-by-day" phase.

    It's been 2 years, and while I still have no idea what my book is actually about, I haven't stopped working on it.

    My point? "Use your insomnia/zombie-like tendencies to help you achieve your dreams!" (Er, since I don't actually know any Wayne Dyer-isms, I had to wing it.)

  6. I promise that the sleep mask will do wonders because I made it with love and magic and hobby lobby lace. And don't worry about whether or not you're always funny. We (your readers) aren't sitting here at our computer screens yelling, DANCE MONKEY DANCE! Sure, your funniness is a great quality that you have, but what I like best about you is your REALness. As in, you are REAL. Really really real. You get me?

  7. I ate blocks of cheese while writing my thesis. I think it's the answer to everything. :) I love those shoes! :)

  8. Nice shoes! Eat cheeze! Depression is a Bitch and she LIES! (no really great post looking forward to hearing how your book goes)

  9. I side-braid my hair on shitty days too but I've gone one further. My friend bought me a mockingjay pin and on days when I need that extra sumpin-sumpin I pin it under my clothes. Yeah, I'm a 14 year old girl, but it freakin' helps! I love you and hope that all is well. We're there for you always, Johi! <3<3<3

  10. I hope things start getting better for you soon! I like cheese, but ice cream seems to do the trick for me.

    Oooo...nice shoes....