Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

A friend of mine recently got me thinking about some things, one of which being Nicolas Cage's hair (plugs). And now I feel sad.... and a little dirty. I can only hope that I never morph into some odd caricature of my former self.....

But enough about movie stars, let's talk about more important things; like my hair. Obviously it must be of the utmost importance because I have spent the last three weeks doing little more than wondering if I should cut my bangs or grow them out. Of course, I care about World Peace, Justin Beiber and the Oil Crisis too. Blahblahblah. So today I made a bold move and called my hairdresser, because when I am unsatisfied with my life I naturally try and change everything that I can control. I have no idea why I think that my hair falls into the category of 'things that I can control', but I suppose that this is only one of the many reasons why I could be labeled as delusional.

While I am impatiently awaiting my hair appointment (which isn't until May), I have been trying out my vast artillery of hair styling techniques. I have implemented these thus far: Washed, unwashed, brushed, unbrushed, scrunched, ponytailed and braided. All of this hard work has only lead to one realization: my hair is flat, dingy and in need of a professional. And there is still laundry to be folded.

For instance, yesterday I tried to make myself look like a prima ballerina and I patiently braided my hair like I was Heidi of the Hills while I yodeled "Jar of Hearts" and dreamt of aprons, snow capped mountain peaks and meadows full of heather. Yet, somehow, the magical combination of my excessive whiteness, my thinning, sparse hair and my razor sharp cheekbones, I ended up looking less like a poetic dancer full of beauty and grace and more like a crazy old lady who lost her wig somewhere in her dirty house full of cats.

Doesn't this just scream, "HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY!"?
I should probably get a professional to look at my neck too...
because WHY THE HELL DOES IT LOOK BROKEN?????


Then I unbraided the hair and POOF! I was feeling the Tawny Kitaen vibe so hard that it took every fiber of my being not to do the splits on the hood of a car. And then I realized that I really just felt like ANY MEMBER of Whitesnake and I took a moment to practice my air guitar. When my hairband session was over, I decided to utilize my sharp facial angles and extreme dorkiness and I broke into my best Ellie Goulding pose.

You must pretend like there are sparkling rays of sunshine
glinting off of my hair. Also, you have to imagine that
I am much more flexible, British and can sing.


She obviously is not working with a misshapen neck part....



In the end, I choose to accept my role as housewife so I showed off my mad multi-tasking skills by drinking coffee while talking on the phone and reading a magazine...... !

This is just what I do. Tawny Kitaen is probably in a full blown
jealous rage. That is almost real leather on that couch and
I am most likely sitting on an ENTIRE MatchBox car- not just the hood....

I really just wanted to show you the adorable Thing 2.
And of course Smelly Cat's bunghole.
Look away from the bunghole! You can't, can you?
You are welcome.

Anyway, as I clearly have nothing better to do with my time, I decided to first install a pool. Then I implemented my Art Degree and had some "fun time with scissors" with my children.

Since I don't trust myself with my own locks, I cut their hair. What were you thinking? Craft time? Ha.

But look how freaking cute they are!

They are even cuter when they are sleeping!
Just kidding?


Stay tuned for more breaking news in the life of The Corn Fed Girl.

Peace, Love and Unicorns,
Johi

P.S. Thanks for all of your encouraging words in the comments of my last post. You all are the best.

22 comments:

  1. You never fail to make me giggle. :) I am gettin' muh hairs did on Saturday! And I think bangs are on the menu. I'm also considering going a little darker on the top layer and having something shocking like a really vibrant red or hot pink on the underneath. Oh, wait - The Preteen just said she was not cool with me pretending to be Katy Perry. There goes my fun. Harumph.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Whatever! Then what are you supposed to do with your boob cone bustier?
      Post before and after of the hair.... For me.... pretty please!

      Delete
    2. Do the pink! Do the pink! My job won't let me (Boo, PSU!) and as usual I live vicariously through y'all.

      Delete
  2. You have a long graceful dancer's neck. So hush now!

    Why on earth are there no pictures of you doing splits on the hood of a car??? Don't you love me?

    And those are some awfully cute Things! :)

    (P.S. Feeling any better?)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. HA! LIES! That is why I love you.
      There may be pictures "like that" floating around out there somewhere. Like a good Irish lassie, I like my drinkie, and I used to be quite limber. :)
      The Things are deep into the cuteness right now. Thank you for noticing. :P
      I am feeling better, thanks to a good old fashioned messy snotfest cry. I'm almost ready to write my serious piece. Beware. The shit's about to get real up in here.

      Delete
    2. And when you say "floating around" what you really mean is that you are gonna show them to me at BlogHer, right? Right???

      I found things got a bit clearer when I had my sobfest breakdown as well. Over the hump, ma dear. Write away. I can take it!!

      Love you.

      Delete
    3. Hugs to both of my beloved sister wives. XOXO

      Delete
    4. When are you two moving here so that we can properly stalk each other?

      Delete
  3. I like how wavy your hair was after you took out the braid. Is your hair naturally like that?

    Cute kids!

    My cat is staring at the screen. I think she's admiring your cat's bunghole.

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    1. Only if I braid it.... it is naturally thin and straight with a few misplaced waves, and occasional horn-like ringlets near my forehead in extreme humidity. It is the envy of few. Very, very few.

      I think that you should reconsider your boy return policy, they're pretty rad. ;)

      My cat even ripped out his tail hair for your cat's bunghole viewing pleasure. Or maybe he has an allergy.....

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  4. I just grew my bangs out. They are now the length of the rest of my hair, which I cut to my shoulders to meet the bangs halfway. I am all about compromise. I was really proud of myself because it is the first time EVER that I have not had some sort of bangs. Recently Manfriend tells me that he really liked my hair when I had those bang things. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW LONG THIS TOOK ME?!?!?! Ugh. As much as I want to ignore him, I keep thinking....should I cut my bangs? These are real issues, people. They need at least 3 weeks debate.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for understanding and for sharing your own bang story. I love a good bang story... who doesn't? Good luck with your decision.

      Delete
  5. I am a little teeny bit concerned about your neck.

    I got my super fine fly away hairs done a few weeks ago and went a bit red/coppery and I got little teeny bangs right at the edge of my part and all they do is stick up. Usually they work, but quite honestly, I drove the kids to school today (because I'm "working" at home) and looked in the mirror after telling the boy to go to the bathroom when he got to school and fix his hair and realized my baby bangs were sticking STRAIGHT UP. I licked my fingers and plastered them down so I could feel the smallest bit normal while walking into his school wearing yoga pants with some peanut butter on them, a ratty sweatshirt, and I realize NOW, no bra.

    I'm going upstairs to put myself together.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks AC, I'm a lot bit concerned about my entire spine, but I won't bore you with the details.

      I totally understand about the baby bangs. I have those too; although mine are God's gift as they are just always there. I also have the nut buttery yoga pants and the braless ratty sweatshirt. Maybe we are twins?

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  6. I love your hair post braid!!! that's some panteen commercial goodness right thur!

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    1. Thanks Tish! Except it really only looks good from that one angle because in reality it has a bunch of weird flat spots and super frizzy parts. "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful."

      Delete
  7. Aaaaaaand, now that Christina Perri song is in my head. ((le sigh))

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    1. "Who do you think you are.... running 'round leavin scaaaaars...."
      That song has been in my head ever since I dropped a giant stinking Johnny Cash bomb at karoake last week. Perri is way more in my range, maybe because I'm not a man.

      Delete
  8. It has been YEARS since we have had a land line in our house (something about paying $60 a month for something no one ever uses) that I actually forgot they existed. I was all HOLY HELL! That is the LARGEST cellular phone I have ever seen! My bad. Also, your kids are cute. Mine sport bed head all day because I'm far too lazy to do my own hair; there's no way I'm wasting energy fixing them up.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ha! No, that is not my "travel phone". Being home all day, I actually use my land line. I think about just going cellular but I have blown up two cell phones in the past year. Weird energy, perhaps? Or maybe I'm just a witch, like everyone originally thought.
      Kids can get away with bedhead. I've seen yours, they are super cute.

      Delete
  9. Unknown? Please. It's Ray, a relative unknown.

    Speaking of not being able to look away from the bunghole, as you say, check this out:

    Click-Click

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    1. Welcome to the party, Ray! Don't say that I didn't warn you- my primary audience is bawdy women and parents. And my mom just yelled at me for "resorting to THAT kind of language".

      Good people- if you do nothing else today- CLICK Ray's click-click link. You will not be sorry.

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