Saturday, March 24, 2012

Why I have been absent....

I apologize for not being present on my blog or any of yours lately. But I've been super busy. And I have photographic evidence.


We went to a parade. A St. Patty's Day one. It was awesome for me, because: 1) I happen to be part Irish 2) I love green and 3) Brock went with and held Thing 2 the entire time, thus giving my back a break from 23 pounds of wiggly, screaming, yet adorable toddler and 4) Sarah joined us and together we watched her 3 year old break dance. He was wearing a shirt that Sarah made for him that said "Sham Rocker" and his hair was in a mohawk. It pretty much made my week, but wait! I did more awesome stuff!




 

Then we gave all the animals baths. Smelly Cat got a tooth lodged in Brock's thumb. I probably laughed. But I also treated the wound so I get points for that.... right? And the animals were fresh and clean for about 30 minutes. Black Dog and Smelly Cat have both since rolled in whatthef&^%isTHAT?
It was sunny all week so I spent a lot of time here...


doing this....
I really want a bow and some explosive arrows now...
Because of the beautiful weather, I also pulled my summer clothes from the attic. My sad pathetic old summer clothes. Then I decided I probably need to do some more shopping, but instead I painted my nails hooker pink and I put on my slut shoes and had a girl's night out.


Jessica Simpson knows how to make a great shoe.
I laughed because these are called "Edith".
I would have named them "Candi with an 'I'".

 

Now I will share a tip with all you women who secretly love hoochie clothes: Only 20% of your clothing can be hoochie- NO MORE. I wore these shoes with dark skinny jeans and a dolmen sleeve sweater, which made it okay. If I would have put these on with a minuscule skirt and a tube top, someone would have asked me "How much?" and Misty would have posted my picture on her blog. Instead, I confused people and got free drinks.
I must admit, I kind of wished that I wasn't wearing the stripper shoes when the host asked "How many are in your group?" and I said "At least three, but maybe more. It depends on how friendly we are tonight." (I was not referring to be friendly with the opposite sex, but he didn't know that.) I really shouldn't be allowed to talk..... or go into public unsupervised.....

After that I played it safe and watched some daytime TV, where I learned about Superman planking, how all woman deserve an orgasm (fist pump!) and how to eat in the morning. I hate eating in the morning. I don't want anything but coffee, but I know that food is important and yadda yadda blah blah blah.... And worse than the actual eating is the thinking about what to eat. Also known as MEAL PLANNING. *shudder*
So I tried this recipe. It is wheat and dairy free and packed full of protein (apparently you are supposed to have 30 grams of protein within the first 30 minutes of your day). Also it is low in sugar (apparently you are supposed to eat less than 15 grams a day for overall health and to reduce belly fat).

 

Dr. Oz: Skinny Muffins

1. Jorge’s Skinny Muffins
IngredientsMakes one serving
1/4 cup ground flax
1 tsp baking powder
2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp coconut oil
1 egg
1 packet stevia
Directions
Mix all ingredients together in a mug and microwave for 50 seconds. Allow to cool to a safe temperature and enjoy!

Because this is picture day-here is a picture of the ingredients and the finished product:

I used a measuring cup instead of a mug because I have an
irrational fear of mugs exploding in the microwave.




And I have successfully consumed my daily allowance of brown
food all before 8:30 a.m.! Winning!
And I even fed it to the Things (with a tiny bit of apple butter):

You can't go wrong with TWO thumbs up and big trucks on the table!


And lastly, I pulled down the Easter decorations from the attic. I have some cute things....



And then there is...... THE GIANT CREEPY BUNNY


He is always watching..... knowing....plotting....
and he may eat us all while we sleep.
Off to give the ponies baths! Wish me luck.

Peace, Love and Microwavable Health Food,
Johi

21 comments:

  1. Welcome back! The hoochie mama shoe story made my morning :)

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    1. Thanks Tish! I'm glad that I made you feel happy!

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  2. Ooh! I've made those muffins back when I was going to do Jorge's whole diet book thingie. Yeah...didn't really do the whole diet and exercise thing but ate a lot of muffins...I think I missed the point.

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    1. They are surprisingly good and very filling. I did put two packets of stevia in mine because I have a wicked sweet tooth. Unfortunately, I still found myself wanting a nap (and to sell Thing 1, who has been refusing to nap or have quiet time).

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  3. Phew!! I am so glad you clarified. Because when you first showed those shoes I was afraid I was gonna have to go get my camera. You saved it with a sweater.

    And next time . . . VIDEO of the adorable mohawked tot breakdancing. Jeesh.

    Glad you had a nice week. But I missied you. Don't go leaving us again. You know we are more important than your silly family. Pfft!

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    1. What I forgot to mention was my newfound tip on NOT moisturizing the feet before wearing said shoes. I may as well have dipped my feet into a vat of bacon grease... live and learn. Or live and make an ass of yourself. Whatever.

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  4. LOVE the fingernail polish. I too whipped out my stripper colors for all these 90 degree days. Happiness.

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    1. Thanks! I recently purchased a melon color too. Very spicy!

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  5. Fist pumping gives you orgasms??? I must be doing it wrong.

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  6. I am definitely going to make those muffins, just as soon as I get to the store again and find all of the ingredients, since I think I currently have on hand, ummm, cinnamon (which may or may not be currently mixed with sugar for awesome toast) and an egg. Clearly, I am missing the boat on morning protein and all day sugar intake.
    Love your shoes. I would fall over instantly if I tried to wear them and wind spending my girl's night in the ER hoping that free drinks came in the form of morphine shots for pain! ;)
    Ashley
    http://www.thedoseofreality.com/2012/03/22/and-justice-for-all/

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    1. I had to make a special trip to the store as well! And I love that your cinnamon is mixed with sugar-- I keep some in that form too.
      I kept my balance in the shoes. I don't know that I looked graceful, but I did not fall. Yay me!

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  7. I think that bunny just swallowed my soul.

    Missed you!

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    1. Brock made that bunny when he was a kid. I was obviously more than thrilled when a package arrived for us and that was at the bottom of the packing peanuts. Gah!

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    2. Ohhh... sorry, Brock. My bad. What the hell is a kid doing making a soul-sucking bunny?!

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    3. My sentiments exactly. And Brock's too, for that matter. But I insist on putting it out, because I'm weird like that.

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  8. Loved this! The nearest St. Pat's parade is too annoyingly far from my home (45 minutes) through a gamut of DUI checkpoints, for me to go and make it worth my while (aka drink like a leprechaun).

    A) You have gorgeous feet! Rock that pink!
    B) If your breakfast involves cooking and ingredients like flax, no wonder you don't like breakfast. Hard-boil a bunch of eggs, and have one of those suckers for breakfast: Protein - voila!

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    1. I love leprechauns! Thanks for the compliment. I think my feet are okay too. Brock, on the other hand, has the world's most frightening feet. I'm afraid that Thing 1 has inherited those. Poor child.
      I hate breakfast because my brain doesn't work in the a.m. and I have to think about "delicious and nutritous gluten and dairy free meals" to serve my family- especially in the morning. I should hard boil eggs. That would be smart.....

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  9. You're litany of activities has left me exhausted just reading them. Also, your healthy breakfast plan has shamed me. If you are only supposed to have 15 g of sugar a day, I am so totally fucked. My morning breakfast of diet red bull (0 g sugar) coupled with an oatmeal breakfast bar (22 g sugar) pretty much trampled that all to hell. It's good to see you back.

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    1. I eat fairly well but I am a sugar fiend. I'm TRYING to be more aware of the sugar that I consume, but honestly, it kind of just makes me crave it more. Shall I tell you about my coconut milk ice cream and chocolate sauce that I had with a glass of wine last night? I'm doing great.....

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