Okay, of course it gave me a complex. I was an impressionable young woman who was impatiently awaiting her boobs to "come in".
My boobs never came in. Instead I got myself a Victoria's Secret credit card and tried to distract attention away from my boobs by talking nonstop and wearing super cute shoes.
Anyway, as I "aged", I began to become a bit more....er.... interesting? to the opposite sex. But not really. There is still a laundry list of toothless idiots that thought they stood a chance and not nearly enough (or any) men that looked like (or were) Hugh Jackman.
Note to men: WOMEN LIKE TEETH. That whole "toothless dream date" is only a one way street.
One of my favorite things that a man said to me was, "Can I buy you a drink or would you rather have the $5?" I was already dating this person for obvious reasons, and it wasn't his baldness, his obesity or his back hair, but the fact that he made me laugh and he had the most beautiful straight white teeth that I have ever seen. Plus he cooked for me and built me stuff and my "love language" is totally Acts of Service, so there was that. It still wasn't a match made in heaven. For instance, every time he said things like "I seen them guys the other day" I would die a little on the inside. Plus, he was sweet and I'm not. So, like any good Christian gal, I lied and squirmed and cheated on him to make myself feel better about ending the relationship. Because I'm pretty much awesome like that.
Anyway, it seems that now that I am married, sporting a wedding ring, still flat chested and usually have two carpet monkeys (and their bodily fluids) attached to me, I am finally attracting the opposite sex. Brock knows about this and is fine with it because it seems to be scoring me free stuff and we have bills to pay. I have recently been the target of some awkward attempts at flirting (i.e. I informed the man that I was married and he asked if I was happy. It was all I could do not to give him a percentage instead a yes.) I also have been the happy recipient of some delicious martinis and a novel (books and booze are totally the way to my heart, but Brock already has is.... 86% of the time). But today took the "most coveted" flirtation prize.
Today I ventured into public. *gasps of shock and awe inserted here* I was dressed
*the angelic voices of a heavenly choir inserted here*
|OMG! Look at those! No, I love THOSE! shoes shoes shoes|
OMG! I almost forgot about the shoes video (not work or child appropriate)
Sorry, I was momentarily distracted.
So I walked into DSW to ask an employee about how their point system works (because I'm a serious shoe shopper, yo). A male employee intercepted me, asked if I needed help (if he only knew) and complimented my fabulous pistol earrings. I gushed about my friend from New Zealand that sent them to me and thanked him.
|Bang Bang! Love you Bex!|
Then I was all business as I asked him about the double points and what days they honor said points. He looked at me like it was a conspiracy and I said in a hushed tone, "Oh, those are random and unannounced, aren't they?" He nodded and then told me "They have a double points coupon at the register, tell them C_____ (I'm not protecting his identity, I'm just horrible with names, hence calling my children Things) sent you." Then he added, "Because you're pretty."
Whoa. Hold the train.
First of all: C____ is a dude working at a shoe store and he's not GAY? Whaaaaat?
Secondly: I'm an old married hag who birthed two kids, whom were with me at that moment.
Thirdly: That was hands down the BEST flirtation device EVER used. DOUBLE POINTS at DSW? Gay or straight, C____ probably gets a lot of tail.
Lastly: I'm wearing those earrings EVERYWHERE from now on....
So, I smiled and said, "Well, thank goodness I showered this morning!", because I really have no idea how to take compliments from random strangers, and then I took my kids to the restroom where Thing 1 and I had a delightful conversation about the smell of the hand soap.
Do I really need to tell you how shoe shopping with two kids in tow went? Let's just say unsuccessful and leave it at that.
And no, I did not ugly cry hot tears in the truck on the drive home for missing out on C____'s generous offer of double points.
So what I have learned is, men don't care if you are flat chested or married
However, my relationship with shoes continues to grow every day.
God Bless shoes.
Peace, Love and Double Points at DSW,
P.S. Here is a picture of my outfit today, because I know you all were dying to see it. Do you like my shoes? I got double points when I bought them. Bang bang!