Wednesday, March 28, 2012

What a woman really wants to hear.....

When I was young and available, the only men that approached me were lacking teeth and usually wasted. This in no way gave me a complex.

Okay, of course it gave me a complex. I was an impressionable young woman who was impatiently awaiting her boobs to "come in".

My boobs never came in. Instead I got myself a Victoria's Secret credit card and tried to distract attention away from my boobs by talking nonstop and wearing super cute shoes.

Shoes.

Anyway, as I "aged", I began to become a bit more....er.... interesting? to the opposite sex. But not really. There is still a laundry list of toothless idiots that thought they stood a chance and not nearly enough (or any) men that looked like (or were) Hugh Jackman.
Note to men: WOMEN LIKE TEETH. That whole "toothless dream date" is only a one way street.

One of my favorite things that a man said to me was, "Can I buy you a drink or would you rather have the $5?" I was already dating this person for obvious reasons, and it wasn't his baldness, his obesity or his back hair, but the fact that he made me laugh and he had the most beautiful straight white teeth that I have ever seen. Plus he cooked for me and built me stuff and my "love language" is totally Acts of Service, so there was that. It still wasn't a match made in heaven. For instance, every time he said things like "I seen them guys the other day" I would die a little on the inside. Plus, he was sweet and I'm not. So, like any good Christian gal, I lied and squirmed and cheated on him to make myself feel better about ending the relationship. Because I'm pretty much awesome like that.

Anyway, it seems that now that I am married, sporting a wedding ring, still flat chested and usually have two carpet monkeys (and their bodily fluids) attached to me, I am finally attracting the opposite sex. Brock knows about this and is fine with it because it seems to be scoring me free stuff and we have bills to pay. I have recently been the target of some awkward attempts at flirting (i.e. I informed the man that I was married and he asked if I was happy. It was all I could do not to give him a percentage instead a yes.) I also have been the happy recipient of some delicious martinis and a novel (books and booze are totally the way to my heart, but Brock already has is.... 86% of the time). But today took the "most coveted" flirtation prize.

Today I ventured into public. *gasps of shock and awe inserted here* I was dressed like a cheap groupie in my $20 Target dress, equally priced handbag and my thrift store jean jacket. But I was wearing the pistol earrings that Bex just sent my for my birthday and some super cute wedges. I was also marching in my own little blonde parade with the Things. I walked into my personal heaven, DSW.

*the angelic voices of a heavenly choir inserted here*

Shoes.

MMMMMMM.

OMG! Look at those! No, I love THOSE! shoes shoes shoes
OMG! I almost forgot about the shoes video (not work or child appropriate)



Sorry, I was momentarily distracted.

So I walked into DSW to ask an employee about how their point system works (because I'm a serious shoe shopper, yo). A male employee intercepted me, asked if I needed help (if he only knew) and complimented my fabulous pistol earrings. I gushed about my friend from New Zealand that sent them to me and thanked him.

Bang Bang! Love you Bex!

Then I was all business as I asked him about the double points and what days they honor said points. He looked at me like it was a conspiracy and I said in a hushed tone, "Oh, those are random and unannounced, aren't they?" He nodded and then told me "They have a double points coupon at the register, tell them C_____ (I'm not protecting his identity, I'm just horrible with names, hence calling my children Things) sent you." Then he added, "Because you're pretty."

Whoa. Hold the train.
First of all: C____ is a dude working at a shoe store and he's not GAY? Whaaaaat?
Secondly: I'm an old married hag who birthed two kids, whom were with me at that moment.
Thirdly: That was hands down the BEST flirtation device EVER used. DOUBLE POINTS at DSW? Gay or straight, C____ probably gets a lot of tail.
Lastly: I'm wearing those earrings EVERYWHERE from now on....

So, I smiled and said, "Well, thank goodness I showered this morning!", because I really have no idea how to take compliments from random strangers, and then I took my kids to the restroom where Thing 1 and I had a delightful conversation about the smell of the hand soap.

Do I really need to tell you how shoe shopping with two kids in tow went? Let's just say unsuccessful and leave it at that.

And no, I did not ugly cry hot tears in the truck on the drive home for missing out on C____'s generous offer of double points.

So what I have learned is, men don't care if you are flat chested or married or snarky. As long as you are wearing good shoes, pistol earrings, and you can stand there and smile (without ruining their fantasy by speaking, thus being snarky), you will get a shit ton of free stuff and awesome coupons. Of course, I can't do that for more than 5 minutes because I start to get all sweaty and anxious as the words are forming in my throat and I am trembling and trying to hold them back until they flow out like a raging river- or explosive vomit. Either way, this is a phase/relationship with men that was doomed from the start.

However, my relationship with shoes continues to grow every day.

Shoes.

God Bless shoes.

Peace, Love and Double Points at DSW,
Johi

P.S. Here is a picture of my outfit today, because I know you all were dying to see it. Do you like my shoes? I got double points when I bought them. Bang bang!

22 comments:

  1. I too had forgotten about the majesty of the OMG Shoes video. Thank you for reminding me and making me laugh my sorry ass into an asthma attack. "These shoes are $300...let's GET em!"

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  2. Oh, girl. You are super sexy! Pulling. It. Off!

    Can't you go back at a later time, sans kiddies, and still use C's name? I'm not really sure how this double points thing works. I don't do the DSW thing. Or shoes, really. But you know that.

    So jealous of the earrings, though. They are so incredibly rad. I would wear them everyday if I were you. Hmmm, I wonder how that would be perceived in court? Probably better you have them than me. I'd probably end up in jail or something and my damn sister wives live too far away to post bail for me.

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    1. If only I could REMEMEBER C's name!
      Gah!
      I don't go anywhere respectable so I'm really the perfect person to wear pistol earrings. Well, that and the NRA sticker on my truck.

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  3. I kinda hate you for having normal sized feet because DSW doesn't even cater to those of us with miniature peds. That being the case, I pretty much hate anyone who doesn't wear a size 5 and who can share my disappointment/whining in the shoe department.

    But you are pretty, so I guess I kinda like you.

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    1. I saw my friend in DSW and she was buying TINY shoes. I think she is a 5. I'm not sure, all I know is that I was feeling Clydesdale-ish while standing next to her. You might want to check again.
      You're pretty too. I like your ball- it's very chartreuse.

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  4. I could have lived a week off that compliment! But the fella wasn't wrong - you were rockin' the Target dress like no other!

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    1. Thank you Marianne. I will have you know that that photograph is of my bad side (i.e. the front). Target is also selling the dress in blue.

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  5. Sometimes, when I'm shopping at target, I wonder if the people that work there notice that practically every single thing I have on is from their wonderful, fairy like store. If I worked there, I'd so be checking that shit out :)

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    1. My friend and I talked about that the other day. Also the fact that pretty much ALL of the women in Ft. Collins are wearing various seasons of Target.

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    2. I agree: I am a walking ad for Target at all times.

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  6. I was never one who could hit on women like that. I still have trouble handing out compliments about appearance even if I know the woman. I never knew how guys could do it.

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    1. Maybe they walk around drunk?
      Lol.
      Honestly, I don't know either. It was flattering but it also made me uncomfortable.

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  7. I love your shoes... and I love DSW.. it was one of the things I missed terribly about moving out of the US. Please share more DSW stories so I can live vicariously through you.

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    1. I will dedicate my next DSW trip to you, Jaime. And it will be child-free and successful.
      I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  8. I have learned the trick to random/unexpected compliments: Say "thank you" and return to your book. (usually my nose is in a book.) If you don't have a book, say "thank you", blush and look away...or don't blush, but look awkward. OWN the awkward!

    I'm not a shoe person. Barefoot rocks, and flip-flops are a close second.

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    Replies
    1. Seeing as I am basically albino- I can't help the blushing.
      Thank you is probably the appropriate thing to say.... hmmmmm
      I love flip flops too. I also love barefoot, but I live with kids and dogs so that is risky....

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  9. I just got my gun earrings from Bex, too! They are the coolest jewelry I own and I, too, will be rocking them EVERYWHERE!

    Yours look great!

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    Replies
    1. Now we're earring twins! Awesome! God help the world if you and I ever get together... I feel like we could cause a ruckus!

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  10. i FLOVE that shoes video!!! hahahaa!

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  11. Speaking of shoes, Liz Phair's 'Polyester Bride' came on the ole iPod today and I thought of you:
    'Do you want to find alligator cowboy boots that just went on sale?' :)

    OMG shoes! Thanks for vid share, that was brilliant!

    I also attract the creepy guys - had to marry the first one that expressed interest who wasn't creepy. I knew the odds were not in my favor.

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  12. I never seemed to be attractive to the opposite sex all that often, either, until I got married. Just yesterday this woman from Controlling, of all places, was totally wanting me. I'm not kidding. I know the signs. And I'm not one of those men who thinks he's wanted when he's not. But I'm MARRIED. WTF is that?

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