Tuesday, March 13, 2012

That wasn't me. But thanks for thinking that it was.....

I received a call yesterday. My caller ID displayed the number of my parent's travel phone. I knew it must be important so I picked it up, even though I was eating.

Okay, I'm always eating when I'm on the phone.

Probably because I'm ALWAYS EATING.

My mom was already giggling. She was having trouble forming a sentence.

Mom, composing herself: Do you remember when I washed out your mouth with soap?

Me: No. Because you washed out Jessi's, not mine. Remember her? The chosen one?

Mom, laughing: Why did I do it?

Me: She was lying. Do you remember when she was in her lying stage????

Mom, after a moment of silence: No.

Me: Well SHE WAS. And I NEVER lied! PLUS, she was stealing change out of Dad's naked lady cup. The change that he used to put in our accounts
She probably owes me money.

Mom: .....

Me: PLUS, I remember it because I was leaning on the sink, in her face, resting my chin in my hands, watching her closely while she did it. It was fascinating.

Mom: Your dad said that his Grandmother made him take a bite of soap once.

*Much laughter from me*

Then Dad takes over the travel phone: My grandmother made me eat soap once.

Me: Ewe. I'll bet it was Lye soap.

Dad: Yep. I had to take a bite.

Me: What did you do that she made you eat soap?

Dad: Nothing yet. She did it in case I was thinking about doing something.

Me, laughing: Awesome.


And that is how to defend your honor on a travel phone.

Did anyone ever make you eat soap? Did it foam up after you drank water to try and wash it from your mouth? And have you ever read a book in which every single effing character annoyed the p#ss out of you? Just wondering.....

P.S. Later in the day I talked with my grandmother (my dad's momma) on the phone and she insisted that her mother never made any of her grandchildren eat soap. Nor did she use lye soap. Sounds like my dad may need to learn a little lesson about storytelling. May I suggest the eating of lye soap?


  1. If we were being particularly snotty, lied, or dropped a cuss word, we had to lick the top of the Dawn bottle. A good 30 years later, and I can still taste it if I try hard enough. Bleccccch. I tell my kids that their Grandma did that to me and they gasp in disbelief. Not disbelieving I ever did anything to warrant the Dawn bottle, but that darling Grandma ever was that mean.

    1. Yummy. But Grandmas are like fairy godmothers!

  2. We never had to eat soap. Probably because I was such an absolute angel who NEVER EVER lied or did anything bad, and because my brother was the master of laying low and pretending to be invisible. And just agreeing with everything my mom told him and doing whatever he wanted anyway. Little brat.

    Why was your mom giggling so much when she called? I kept waiting for a joke or something . . . I is confussed.

    1. She was giggling because they had been reliving the made up fact that I had been forced to eat soap and she thought that it was hilarious. And people wonder where I get my twisted sense of humor from!

  3. My mom used to put Tobasco on our tongues when we lied. Ole'! I don't employ that technique with my short people but fully intend to use her other one: making us copy pages out of the dictionary when we cursed because we "obviously needed to expand our vocabulary". Momma got skillz, yo.

    1. Well played, Jen's momma. I should do that for myself. I cuss all the time and I have a very limited vocabulary. I also lick glass.....

  4. You know TLC (or some television station in the 200's) has a show called Fucked Up Citizens and Their Fucked Up Habits or possibly Strange Addictions. And I'm sure somemone on there likes that taste of soap and it is their addictions. I remember the lady that liked washing powder.

    I had to stop watching that show after the man who is in love with his car he actually fessed up to have "sexual relations" with the car. I know none of this has to do with your post, I just oh, look a squirrel!

    1. OMG! I have a love/hate relationship with squirrels. I was watching Whitney the other night and her bf called them "sexy rats". I LOLed.
      P.S. Noah's last post about the dolphin is still more disturbing to me than the man and his car. Although I would probably dump gasoline over either person.

  5. My mom just beat us with yard sticks. They used to hand them out free at the local banks when you opened up an account. That woman had accounts at every single fricking bank in town. Also, one time she wrote THOU SHALL NOT STEAL on one side and THOU SHALL NOT SWEAR on the other and beat the hell out of my brother. I'm still not entirely sure what he did... but she does NOT laugh about it when we all do.

    Also: what book are you reading? Because I do not want to read it.

    1. I laughed about it too. I love this story so hard.

  6. yes on both counts.... I think I lied or swore and my mum put soap in my mouth and made me hold it in there for awhile.

    The story was supposed to be a humor story.. it was called, "Confessions of a Call Center Girl" ... I thought it meant like phone sex girl.. turns out it was customer support. I kept reading it hoping it would get better. It never did. I will never get back those hours... and it saddens me.

  7. You know in A Christmas Story when Ralphie is discussing the flavors of different soaps? That movie took place long before I was born, but because I lived overseas, I grew up with the SAME SOAP OPTIONS! And he's right Lava is the absolute worst. The flavor never went away.

    ...The Kite Runner. Hate every character. Hate the fact that Nothing Good Happens. Ever. I only finished it out of sheer bloody-minded determination to be able to confirm that Nothing Good Happens Ever to Anybody in that book.

  8. Oh man, this would be a great idea to do to my drunk friends- soap in the mouth!

    God, I'm an awful friend. Please still like me. Please.

  9. Ha!
    Every Christmas my family watches a Christmas Story, where the kid has to eat soap for swearing.
    I asked my dad this year if he ever 'got the soap' and he smirked a little bit and said "once". He refused to elaborate and my grandmother claims it never happened, but my dad was 100% certain he had experienced the wrath of the soapy mouth.

    If you ask me, it's an effective way of teaching your kids to do the right bloody thing. One bite of soap is all it takes and your kid will know who's boss.