Monday, March 19, 2012

But I drive so well!

I've been in denial, but it is time to face the facts.

I can't park for shit.

Image from haphappy.com


I'm not sure when this happened, because I used to be able to park just fine*.

*Except for that one time when I backed into a giant rock wall and dented my shiny new bumper.

I started noticing it at preschool. We park every other space because almost all of us are hauling multiple children out of the back seat. It is kind of an unspoken code. The same unspoken code that makes it okay for the daycare lady in the giant van to park in the handicap spot. She has something like 78 kids in that van. If that's not a handicap, I don't know what is. And spare me your wheelchair lecture. Anyway, every time I would get out of my truck after pulling (diagonally no less) into a space, I would discover that I was almost a foot over to the right.

So I started trying harder to park better.

I still failed every time, yet these times felt worse because I was making a conscious effort.

Image from blog.carhelp.com


Then the real test came.

SPOILER ALERT: Johi fails and feels like a giant asshole.

It was last Thursday, also known as Girl's Night Out. I offered to be DD because I was out of money to spend on booze I'm a responsible adult, so I picked up my home girl Sarah. We entered Old Town, which tends to lack parking, and I immediately saw what appeared to be a very generous parallel parking space. I whipped my big ass truck into it only to discover that it was not a generous as it initially appeared. There was no traffic coming in the two lanes going north, so I pulled forward into the street and prepared to back into the spot properly, just like I learned in Driver's Ed when I was 14, just like I have done A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE, and put on my turn signal. All of a sudden, there was a douche canoe in a tiny car sitting right up my ass. There was still no one coming and all he had to do was pull around me into the next lane which was EMPTY. Did he do that? NO. Instead, he sat there, jammed up my bumper (the same one with the teeny tiny dent on it from the giant rock wall that I ran into so many years ago) and He Raised Both Hands Up In The Air, as if he was eternally confused as to why I was sitting directly in front of a parallel parking space with my turn signal on and my reverse lights illuminated.

Normally, I would be able to shrug this off, potentially even ever so slightly backing up into him with my giant truck until his choices were clearly: A) Stay put and watch as my bumper strips all the paint and most of the metal from the hood of your car or B) BACK the FUCK UP. But that night, I chose my other coping mechanism. I started sweating profusely and I panicked. Probably because Sarah was sitting in the passenger seat, wheezing for air and crying in that wonderful mix of pain and delight that can only be caused from laughing your ass off at someone. Then I jammed my truck into the space and ended up with one tire up, not just on the curb, but over the curb and onto the grass.

Home run.

Even though Sarah was guffawing so hard that she could hardly breathe, she somehow managed to find her angelic voice with which she told me all about her superior parking abilities.

Then she admitted that she is a horrible driver, which didn't make me feel better because she has picked up my child from preschool on more than one occasion and driven him all over town.

Then I successfully moved my truck to the giant empty lot (screw those threatening tow signs)at Perkin's (and I put it between the lines, like I am supposed to) and I proclaimed, "Well, I'm a great driver, I just suck at parking!"

Except for that time that I hawked a disgusting chest wad out of the window but it instead landed on my arm and I freaked out at my own phlegm there was a bee in my car and I drove my jeep straight into the ditch with a 6 foot drop off. Less than a mile from my parent's house. Then God himself (it would only make sense) drove up in a beat up truck and towed my little jeep back to safety. And I continued into town and ran my errand.....

Oh, and the time that I served to miss an elk and I slid on the ice and drove my Ford Exploder into a fence and the front tires were dangling off a sheer rock face that dropped about 12 feet below solid ground....

Oh yeah.... and the time.... look....THE DEER RAN INTO ME! And it was FINE!

Fuck it. Someone get me a team of angry biting mules and a buckboard.  I'll drive and park that shit where ever they I want.


~~Are there any every day tasks that make you feel like crawling into a hole because of your glaring deficiencies?  Or are you all perfect, like Sarah?

22 comments:

  1. I can't parallel park for shit even though I did it just fine on my driving test that ONE time over 10 years ago. I just avoid any place that I have to parallel park. It's worked ok so far...

    Bad Parkers Unite!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We should organize a club... with t-shirts or buttons or something. "I always hit the curb" or "tires ON the grass is the new black"

      Delete
    2. Sign me up. The neighbors run to their windows with popcorn to watch me parallel park. I am an urban embarassment.

      Delete
    3. Um, might I remind you that you have a Zazzle store?? And you are trying to get to NYC? Yeah, make it and sell it, baby!

      Delete
  2. LOL. Pintrest has inspired me and this weekend I attempted a DIY sewing project. It should of probably taken me an hour maybe two. I was basically making a blanket for Husbands back seat. To eliminate dog drool from soaking it after an hour at the park. Years ago, I was actually really good at sewing. Do they still have 4H clubs?

    Two yards of fabric by 60 inches sewn to another 2 yards of fabric by 60 inches, how FUCKING hard could that be???

    I began my project at 10 am on Saturday, and finished it at 12:30 on Sunday. And at 3:00 on Sunday The Boy informs me there is no way to buckle his seat belt if the blanket covers the back seat. I forgot to put slits for the seat belts. That can't take, but what, 3 hours more?

    FAIL!

    For my next project, I have actually decided to try and sew a pair of crop pants.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds like me Tina. I made curtains once. They were cute if you stood WAY FAR AWAY.

      I want crop pants. Those are pants that you wear in the crop fields, right? ;P

      Delete
  3. I would like to say that all of my driving mishaps have been the fault of others, usually God. It's not my fault that God made winters cold and ice slick, or that really wet shoulders crumble away under a couple of tons of motor vehicle. It is also not my fault that there are so many dumbasses that can't drive in the world that seem intent on marring my driving record. On a positive note, I don't drive at all anymore, so my record has been absolutely spotless over the last severall years.

    ReplyDelete
  4. No comment needed from me...I.AM.PERFECT. YOU said it, not me (but let's not pretend here, we've all been thinking it for a long time)!

    ReplyDelete
  5. If you form a Bad Parkers Club, can I join? I know a lot of people we could recruit. Maybe we should have counseling sessions for the people who have to sit in our car while we are behind the wheel.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My daughter is getting her driving hours for her license right now and parking seems to be the biggest issue. Plus, the fact that she cannot figure out which way to turn the wheel when going backwards.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Very well said....I really loved the pictures....I have been a DD once too, and its really funny to relive the moments the next day, and share it with everyone who didn't know what they did the night before.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So what you are saying is that I shouldn't tell you that the past weekend when Thoughtsy and I went to the city for Roller Derby, I parallel parked my SUV perfectly in not one but TWO parking spots, the second one driving right straight in instead of the normal parallel parking way? And Thoughtsy was oh so impressed. No? Oh, then you probably don't wanna know what an excellent driver I am either right? Yeah, that's what I thought.

    Don't worry, Jo . . . I'm probably bad at something. I just haven't discovered what that is yet. Maybe Sarah and I need to start a club . . . :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I haven't parallel parked since my driver's test. I also don't have to deal with busy downtown parking.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I thought you meant parking in general. Parallel parking? Totally forgivable to suck at it. I used to be great. I honed my parallel parking skills in downtown Chicago. Awesome. Then I moved. Now I ...struggle.

    Here's my trick: Pick a spot with an empty spot before or behind!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I parallel park way better than I handle just pulling into a simple parking space. Makes no sense.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm screwed if I ever have to parallel park. We didn't even have to do that on our drivers test here so I'm not quite sure why they still parallel parking options.

    ps: I'd totally buy a shirt that said "I always hit the curb". I curb check ALL. THE. TIME.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I should never have been allotted a driver's license. And on the one. . .okay two. . .well, maybe three times it was suspended for various automotive indiscretions IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN REINSTATED! No lie. I'm a menace to society, yo.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I drive a big ol' honkin' Expedition. Suck it, atmosphere. Anyway, the reason I drive a big ol' honkin' Expedition is because I PARK WHERE THE FUCK I WANT TO. Priuses(Priui?) and Volts shake with fear in my presence! But really, being a farm kid helped. I think I can parallel park a grain truck if I needed to. Just don't ask me about the time I ran over a cedar tree and drug it into town.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Winning! Love it. I tagged you in a little blog game over at my blog. Feel free to play along or not (Hint: play along).

    Kelly @ herringbone lane

    ReplyDelete
  16. I used to be a decent parallel parker. Until I got the damn mini van. Now it's a disaster. A few times I haven't realized just how badly I had parked until I got all three kids out of the car, and then there was no way I was going to repark my van even if it was practically in the middle of the street. This is why I need to move to the burbs. So I don't have to park my mom van. :(

    ReplyDelete
  17. PS- I'm doing a giveaway on my blog $25 Macy's gift card, for some reason I can't get anyone to play, so please enter if you care to! :) www.getrealmama.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  18. I am experiencing so many conflicting emotions right now.Happiness, because I now feel like I'm not the only one who isn't gifted at the art of driving, jealousy, because I wish I would have been the one sitting in you passenger seat, and rage toward the douche canoe, because seriously, dude, WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM???

    ReplyDelete