Thursday, February 2, 2012

Single texting, with subtext.

Post nasal drip, clammy feverish conditions and a raging headache does not make me feel funny. Or like cleaning the house. Or like showering. So in my mental absence, environmental filth and physical stench, I bring you a guest post about texting. It is lovingly ripped from the real life texting experiences of my 'bunny fluffing liberal', single, snarky, fabulous friend Erin (aka the Chelsea Handler one). She recently quit smoking and we will be partying this weekend in celebration (I hear there is some kind of sports thingy that we might be watching as well), complete with a 'tranny Barbie' cake made by my other fabulous friend Erin (aka the Leah Remini one: right wing, NRA loving, hysterical, Jersey girl). I will be chugging NyQuil like Lindsey Lohan with a bottle of tequila at an open bar and hoarding all the tissue in the house (not in my bra this time) until that celebratory moment.

Why does it feel like my eyeballs are sweating?????
I know that you are wondering why a Tranny Barbie cake?, and one can only answer with: WHY NOT A TRANNY BARBIE CAKE?

Jersey Erin is making it and I can't fucking WAIT to see it. Jersey Erin is the cupcake master. And all of her decorations are edible (made from fondant).
Texting Erin's cake will be roughly modeled after this cake, which Jersey Erin crafted for a little girl's birthday party. The theme was 'Beach Barbie', and she brilliantly masterminded it, complete with edible 'sand', but then she had to go and point out the resemblance to a certain Arquette. Then neither of us could stop laughing about it.

Cupcake Cake: Beach Barbie splashing in the water.... post surgery.

I want the slice with Barbie's implants!

Alexis Arquette: transgender member of the human race.

I've got nothing here.
Except "I would have guessed her lips were fake"
It goes to show what I know.

Uncanny, I say!
So enough about tranny cake (I'll be sure to post pictures) and on with the lesson in texting.

*for the sake of your keyboard, set the drink down.*

She titled it:

Why I don't date much

Man whore: So what is going ?!
What this actually means: It's Wed night.... I'm sending out texts so I can get laid this weekend

Me: What's going on with you;)
What this actually means: none of your fucking business.. tell me something that interests me

Man whore: Not a whole lot. Couple new dates but nothing to great! How r u doing?! Hows work?
 What this actually means: No one will sleep with me.

Me: Good for u. Glad u r keeping match in business. Work is good.
What this actually means: I don't care.

Man whore: I do what I can?!
What this actually means: Yes I'm a manwhore

Me: ohh i'm sure u do.. lol
What this actually means: you are a douchebag

Man whore: I try! lol Big plans for wknd?
What this actually means: So should I continue wasting my time texting you to set up a date for this weekend?

Me: A few.. movies, maybe a hike sat depending on weather, superbowl party etc. I'm sure u have a weekend packed full of man whoring

What this actually means: I'm doing all these things with friends.. but I don't really care what the king thinks because I'd prefer what is in my nightstand with batteries to a date with him.

Man whore: Come on now! Thats how we met.
What this actually means: Whoa.. back up did you just call me whore?

Me: you're hilarious....
What this actually means: I'm giving you chance to back out of that

Man whore: Why is that?!
What this actually means: Nope I'm an asshole

Me:I don't know.. I guess u really aren't
What this actually means: you're an asshole and not getting laid this weekend

Peace, Love and Subtexting with Man Whores,
Erin and Johi


  1. gotta love the subtext behind texting with guys... they really have no clue do they?

  2. I don't generally have a clue regardless of the context or situation.

  3. I feel like I spend so much time trying to read subtext of texts.
    This is brilliant and definitely underlines what people *really* mean when scumbags/manwhores send you vague texts about your weekend plans.

  4. I only can hope that when I text Brock "Pick up bread on the way home" that he reads the subtext and realizes that I needed apples too.

  5. Wait. . .why is Erin texting my friend, Max?

  6. I can 100% relate to this! Manwhores are lame.