Wednesday, February 22, 2012

This is How I Roll

My birthday was absolutely jam packed with delights. There was a spa involved. And child free shopping. And my husband not only did four loads of laundry (and remade the beds), but also a myriad of other things (which included both cooking AND cleaning up dinner). I want to tell you all the details of that, but I am saving it for another day (with a present for all of you- because I'm a giver!).

Today, I want to talk about two specific things:

1.)After an intense round of what I am sure was well- received coaching, instructing and pep talking from me, my friend gave birth to a perfect baby boy ON MY BIRTHDAY. She was within an hour of midnight, but she prevailed!!!

I am seriously thrilled to meet the little man and I would love it if all of you would send his mommy some healing thoughts, as the birth could have gone better.

2.) Part of my birthday celebration involved sipping some iced tea and eating cucumber finger sandwiches with a friend. You see, we are both subtle and gentile ladies from Iowa, which is why we get along so well. Our shy, quiet mannerisms are.... hold up, I can't even write this bullshit.

We swilled some wine while talking loudly about inappropriate things in a public place. Things like "NINE kids? Doesn't that bitch know how a condom works?" (disclaimer: I'm not judging all people with lots of kids, only people who personally offend me or my friends). By the way, our wine was comped because I am shameless with random proclamations of "It's MY BIRTHDAY today!"  Then we stomped around Old Town Ft. Collins and explored it's plethora of adorable boutiques. We may have harassed the sales people, but only in a fun way. Like when I was looking at pendants and the sales lady showed me her pendant that said "Hope" and I asked if she had any with bad words. She looked confused and my friend said "Like, Bitch!" and I said "YES! I would totally buy that one!"

I bought an owl instead. I like owls.

One store in particular, Kansas City Kitty, enticed me with a very cute dress, which I was forced to try on and model. Even though the top of the dress was ill-fitting on my bony chested frame, I decided to satisfy the hollering from the other side of the door to show off the garment.  So, in spite of being painfully shy and hating attention, I sheepishly modeled the gown. 

Yes, I am still wearing my jeans, because that's how I roll.


Right as I stepped out of the dressing room, a dude walked by, in that despondent way that dudes do when their womenfolk force them to enter trendy little downtown boutiques, and I'm sure he couldn't help but look in our direction, as we were kind of LOUD.

In that exact moment he looked at me, I was standing perfectly still and looking at my friend's awesome cat eyed sunglasses (which I am sporting in the above photo), and the dress fell off of my left shoulder, thus exposing my entire left boob. I was wearing a bra. But still. It was an exposed boob- in front of a dude. And I really was not drunk. I yanked the dress back into place and he immediately stammered for a second then said, "I was only looking at your face" and I said "Of course you were". And then we looked at each other for a moment too long and an uncomfortable silence followed. Suddenly the poor, perhaps partially now-blinded man practically sprinted out of the store.

I, on the other hand only turned 675 shades of red.
If you have never seen an albino blush, I highly recommend it, as it is a sight to behold.

I'm still sweaty and a bit splotchy 24 hours later.

But I bought these earrings there, which did not expose my boob, so it all worked out.

Another year older and that much closer to perfection.
Stop laughing.
But seriously, LOVEBIRDS... and roses. Precious.

And then I returned home, where my husband prepared enough grilled meat for approximately 40 large men, and we ate cake.

This is how we eat cake in these parts.


Peace, Love and full coverage bras,
Johi

26 comments:

  1. Earrings. Love! And the way you folk eat cake in your parts, motherflipping LOVE that!

    I was wondering if you wouldn't mind please private messaging me your address on Facie cos I have a small gift that I would like to post you.

    Glad you had a good day my girl x

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! I love them too, even though they are bound to stretch my earlobes down to my belly button.
      And other than the boob fiasco, I had a great day!

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  2. Frosting first -- nicely done, Thing 2! Happy birthday, Johi; and "wardrobe malfunction" aside, you looked fab. ;)

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    1. Thing 2 knows how stuff is done! Thanks Jen!

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  3. Glad that you had a fabulous birthday, as you are a fabulous lady!

    Didja save me some cake? It looks awful good and I love cake and I sure would like a piece of birthday cake, especially if I can eat it frosting first with my hands, and then since my hands are already cake-covered, I would just go ahead and have one more piece. So, didja save me any?

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    1. Come on over Jo! As of this morning, there is still cake. I can't guarantee any cake after 2 pm today though...

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  4. Wine, loud voices, flashing strangers and cake. Sounds like a fun birthday.

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    1. It was a good one. One of my favorites so far!

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  5. A) That dress is super cute.
    2) That cake look delish.
    III) Happy freakin' Birthday!

    I need to explore Ft. Collins as an adult. For reals.

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  6. A) It is, but would be better on a D cup.
    2) It was delish! Gluten-free too!
    III) THANK YOU!!!!!
    Yes, you do. I love this city!

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  7. haha, boob incidents make me laugh.

    You're so pretty in your photo by the way :)

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    Replies
    1. And you are my new favorite person.

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    2. Way to buy her affection, Eke. Damn, now the rest of us have to step up our game I guess. Pfft!

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  8. Happy birthday, sounds like a wonderful day with your friends.

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  9. *cough* I know that I'm late but Happy Birthday!!
    Me and Thing 2 would get along swimmingly, I think... based on how he eats cake... and because my immaturity generally means that I connect best with small children. They get me.

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    Replies
    1. Do you too scream until someone picks you up?

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  10. I laughed out loud at work.. and again my co-worker walked back to see what was going on. I of course had to show pic of you and describe your boob falling out of the dress;) Oh Johi... this is so me it's redic and I love you more than words as always! I'm just sad I wasn't there!

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    1. I wish that you were there too! love YOU!

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  11. Wow, that sounds like a really fun day full of wine and shopping and . . . wait. Go back. Did you say that your hubs did FOUR loads of laundry, cooked AND cleaned up dinner?? Oh shit. Where do I sign up?? You know my birthday is impending, right? Why couldn't you mail me Brock?

    Oh, and stop playing, girl. You know you shrugged that strap right off your shoulder at the precise moment that poor man walked by just to embarass him with your boobage. Stop flashing the menfolk, Jo! We've talked about this? Do I have to come out there for ANOTHER intervention? Sheesh.

    Love ya. Glad you had a fab birthday. You deserve it! :D

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    Replies
    1. I KNOW. I have trained him well. I really should write a man-training manual.

      I so did not. I do not possess upper body pride therefore I do not show off the boobage. I do, however, run my mouth like a mofo. But you already knew that.

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  12. AWESOME! I sounds like a fantastic day. I love the interaction with the dude in the dressing room.

    You look gorgeous!! :)

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  13. BAHHHHAAAHHHHAAAAAHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

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  14. I super hope your friend gave you those sunglasses, because they look FABULOUS on you. I have no doubt you totally made that man's whole year. He had no idea when he got dragged into that boutique that he was also getting free almost porn. ;)
    Happy birthday. Your hubby rocks.

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  15. Well, you may have flashed a guy, but the dress is totally cute, and I would have had to go in and check it out, too.

    Also, I nominated you for an award today. Check out the details on my site!

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