Wednesday, February 8, 2012

My Birthday List, with plenty of time for you to shop.

I know that you have been walking around all day, thinking "I feel like I am forgetting something important". Let me assure you that it has nothing to do with your taxes, the coffee pot or your underwear, and everything to do with the fact that my Birthday is coming up. On February 21st I will be turning.... let's say 28..... for the 9th time.

Because I am a giver, I put together this handy list of things that I would gladly accept in celebration of what I like to call: The Glorious Day That Johi Was Born

*music plays- not unlike angels singing*

1. A shopping spree at the store of my choice. Preferably one of those where you run around and fill up your cart with as many items as you can in a designated time frame. I'll wear a ponytail and my old track shoes.... this bitch is quick, I possess sneaky elbowing techniques and I work great under pressure.

2. A vehicle that fits not only my children and their car seats, but also more than two adult humans. After the 3 hours that my sister spent jammed between two car seats with her knees up to her chin in the backseat of my 13 year old extended cab truck, I think that she would aggressively agree that I want this for unselfish reasons. Plus I want to go places with people (my friend Sarah and her two kids) ALL IN THE SAME VEHICLE, because, while gas is expensive, driving down the interstate to go to the Denver Zoo ALONE with two screaming children in the car is detrimental to not only my health, but the safety of everyone else on the highway. Two moms united and carrying duct tape has a much stronger impact than one mom, who is also occupied with navigating traffic while going 75 mph.

3. World Peace. Naturally.

4. Let's face it. I probably need a miniature donkey.

5. These $500 cowboy boots.
They are imperative to my health.

6. A three day spa/yoga retreat somewhere warm an sunny with two of my best gal pals. The retreat must serve alcohol and be staffed by mutes who look like Hugh Jackman. This too is imperative to my health.

7. A video camera and a ticket to BlogHer in August so that I can meet Noa, Jen and Elizabeth face to face..... and they can all tell me how much more fabulous I am in person. (It's not true, but I know that they would do that for me.)

8. A copy of The Bloggess' book and/or something sparkly.

9. A publisher of my very own (and an idea of what the hell to write my book about because I am currently reading Tina Fey's Bossypants and she stole all of my material. I've been telling people that my hair is yellow for at least 12 years now.)

10. A free night of babysitting so that Brock can take me out to dinner and we can gaze lovingly into each other's eyes over the perfectly cooked filet mignon on my plate and wonder when the fuck we lost the ability to come up with something to talk about that doesn't involve poop, gas, children, bad TV or paying bills.

So, there you have it! I may not be cheap, but I am totally easy.

Love to all of you. Especially those of you who love me back.



  1. glad you allowed some lead time! :)

  2. I assume that we're not limited to just one?

  3. I suggest we start a BlogHer fund for you. Ask all of your readers to send $5 and before long, voila! You'll be in NYC!!! And yes, of course I'll tell you you're fabulous...if you ask me if I've lost weight...which I haven't...but it'd still be nice to hear.

  4. @Tex- You're welcome.
    @Jayne- Assume away.
    @Jen- I'm going to need hotel information too. I don't want to be in NY alone. :) I need my bitches with their bedazzled shivs backing me up.

  5. I love #10, I actually wrote an entire post dedicated to dates before and after children.

    BTW I too want a mini donkey AND a herd of fainting goats

  6. O.M.GEEEEEE!!! I knew there was a reason (besides the fact that we are both fabulous) that we are sister wives . . . you were born exactly SIX DAYS before me!! You were just blazing the trail. Plus, that makes you just a wee bit older, which makes me happy. :)

    I will also take all of those things. So, just tell your readers to get 2 of each so we can celebrate together.

    Oh, and Madonna already has the World Peace thing sewn up, so you can cross that off your list.

  7. That's right! Our b-days are one day apart! (mine's the 22nd) We Pisces so totally rawk.

  8. @insomniac mom- I need to read your post. It's only funny because it is true.
    Fainting goats are adorable, as are mini donkeys.
    @Misty- If you are that excited about my old age, it will absolutely THRILL you to know that I think I have a raging case of Bursitis in my hips. Just call me Nana.
    @Floozy- That is only a tiny part of what makes us both so incredibly AWESOME!!!!

  9. You should know I will presenting you with something. On February 21st. Actually like the day before, because time space continuim is a bitch like that.

    Also I really want to come to Blogher. Like seriously bad. Do you know how far New York is from New Zealand? Like if from earth to the goddam moon far. And it's probably cheaper to go to the moon.

    *le sigh. Whoring is not an option. Even though I know I'd totally make a killing.These days I'm legally obligated to be a one dick woman.

  10. @Bex- OMG! I hope it is you in a tiara jumping out of a cake! Actually, anything else will be a disappointment, unless it was you and I arriving at BlogHer together!!
    Damn that illegal whoring business. Marriage ruins all the fun!

  11. I love you back. I want all of these things for my birthday too...which is on the 13th, so, you know, there's plenty of time. : )

  12. JOHI - I'm staying with my cousin in Manhattan but I think Misty is looking for a roomie. We seriously need to make this happen. If I can get a photo with you, Misty, Noa and Elizabeth my cubicle shrine will be complete.

  13. Nice boots! Happy birthday...I am 29 for the somethingth time, as well, what a coincidence!

  14. Those boots would go great with the $650. Hat I covet. We fish are the bomb. I must convince Someone I need both hat and boots.

  15. I must have those boots. MUST. Because I would look incredibly kickass reading the Bloggess's book that I pre-ordered the second it was available. I'll let you borrow my copy at BlogHer.

  16. Hope you had a FANTASTIC day! You weren't lying, those boots are gorgeous!!!