Thursday, February 16, 2012

The importance of time away from jail... I mean, the house.

I have been going out and having people over a lot lately. In the past two weeks, I have been out of the house in the evening at least 30% of the time. I'm not sure how this came about, but I am going to think of it as some sort of divine intervention, especially since Thing 2 has taken to going boneless, screaming and throwing himself on the ground. Most of the time this is accompanied by him purposely slamming his head into the floor. He does this at home, outside in the mud, outside in snow drifts, outside on the ice patch by Brock's truck, while I am attempting to buckle him into his car seat, in the halls at preschool, on sidewalks anywhere, in parking lots and basically where ever the hell he pleases. He has also run away from me twice in two days; once into the street outside of our house, and the other into the parking lot at preschool. It is magical. I'm hoping that this behavior is only caused by teething and the approaching age of two, because if this is just his personality, I am probably going to have to sell him (but only to a good home, of course...)  On top of that, I've been getting a play-by-play tattle taling of everything that goes on that is distasteful to Thing 1. "Mom! Thing 2 is touching my toys! Mom! Thing 2 is drinking my juice! Mom! Thing2isdoingsomethingthatIdon'tlikeandIamgoingtotalkaboutitendlessly!!!!" Neat.

I watched the weather forecast on the news today and saw that the chances of my head exploding are 80%.

Fortunately, I had book club last week and this week Brock took me out for Valentine's Day on Monday night. I needed to run an errand, which happened to be in a super wealthy gated community, before dinner so we had some 'romantic alone time' in the truck. Romantic alone time with us always leads to delightful conversations.

Brock, looking out the window at the McMansion that someone called home, "These kinds of neighborhoods make me uncomfortable."

Me, "Really? Not me. In fact, I always thought that I belonged in a neighborhood like this."

Brock, "Well let me just pull over and you can get out."

I laughed. Then we drove along in silent awe of the monstrous residences. I was thinking about how hard it is to keep our tiny 1,400 square foot house cleaned and organized. My ceilings are only 8 feet high, yet I still can always find a cobweb in a corner somewhere. How on earth does one clean a 24 foot ceiling? (I know- a maid- a really tall one with go-go-gadget arms)

This feels completely natural to me....


We passed yet another giant house with a for sale sign in the yard and the dinky, underwhelming Home Depot special mailbox on a skinny post stood out like a sore thumb. People lit their trees with spotlights in this neighborhood.... they built fences out of stone..... if they could have lawn jockeys and still have friends, they would. I said, "You would think they could get a nicer mailbox."

Brock yelled, "YEAH! Our mailbox is bigger!"

Our mailbox is indeed bigger. It also is rusted, has holes in it, and dangles precariously by what appears to be one nail from an old telephone post with a shit ton of holes drilled in it (i.e. a home for wasps). It's really nice.

So our date continued to a Mexican restaurant, where we gazed lovingly at one another through margarita reddened eyes and talked about other people. Then we wound up at the center of the Universe, also known as SuperTarget, to buy Mickey Mouse water bottles for the kids Valentine's gifts (they then drank WATER all day the next day instead of eating CANDY. I'm a GENIUS! And yes, they spilled a lot of it onto the carpet). We also picked up some pathetic strawberries and an 800 pound bag of frozen hashbrowns for our Valentine's party brinner. Cuz that's how we roll. Don't be jealous.

Valentine's PJ Party: my single friends came over and we ate bacon (and other
stuff) then watched Napolean Dynamite.
I like how numb Brock looks in the picture. I think when I said "PJ Party with the girls",
he was hoping for teddies, not flannels..... poor disillusioned man.


Then last night, I practically RAN out of the house (neither child napped and it was an all out shrieking fest here) because my girlfriend took me to see The Vow as a pre-birthday gift. I learned two things last night: 1.) Channing Tatum is hot. And 2.) Channing Tatum is hot.

This weekend we will be venturing out again! With adults! In a public setting! With adults! I'm going to wear pretty shoes and drink things that taste like adultness! I'm so thrilled that I'll bet I can almost make it through the day without snarling.

No I can't. It isn't even 9 am and I have already snarled at least 10 times. Does anyone have any duct tape? I'll need to wrap it around my head so that it doesn't blow apart.

COME ON SPRING.

What do you do to get through that stupid time of year, otherwise known as winter (plus teething)?

39 comments:

  1. Its always about size with men... mailboxes, dicks whatever;)

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    1. OK. I originally deleted this, but a very sweet email prompts me to repost:

      I remember those days when the kids were young. You, too, will make it through.

      To counteract the winter fucktivities, the girlfriends and I take a yearly sojourn to the Keys where we cruise around the islands with Captain Bernie on a yacht (one of my friends hit the jackpot and is now engaged to a wonderful man with a yacht. And a private plane.)
      It's rough, but I'd hate to decline and hurt her feelings.
      No, he has no available brothers. I've checked.

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    2. ....and then a strange blonde girl boarded the vessel and insisted on sleeping in the bottom bunk.

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    3. Then there will be two strange blonde girls in that room...Sweet!

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  3. Good for you getting out of the house! I have been this week also, but not for fun....I've been getting out of the house to come back to work. Boo. I personally love the winter....I keep busy with all sorts of winter activities.

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    1. Winter and I don't do well together. Especially with little people who tend to immediately lose their gloves and fall into the snow. I envy you for your healthy relationship with the season though.

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  4. Did you know Channing Tatum used to be a male stripper? SQUEE! I am desperately scouring youtube for I am certain there must be an existing video of it SOMEWHERE.

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    1. *in my best Paris Hilton voice* "That's so hot."

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  5. I didn't get out much when my kids were younger and now that they are old enough and I can leave, I learned my friends have moved away and I don't know anybody.

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    1. Great. So this is what I have to look forward to? lol!

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  6. I'm almost sure that Channing was a better stripper than an actor. However, he is HOTT! :) I live in a 1,200 sq foot 'cabin'. I think I belong in the ritzy neighborhood too. Except then I couldn't afford to furnish it... I guess on the upside, I don't live in a tent city.

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  7. (1) You JUST LEARNED Channing Tatum is hot?
    (2) McMansions have thousands of spiders in their ceilings. You just can't see them because you're too far away. And also old, so your vision is bad. But trust me - they're there.
    (3) Brock's numb expression is AWESOME.
    (4) To get through this stupid soul sucking season we find any and every excuse to go out and leave the youngins with the menfolk... then we bitch about how crappy we feel and how we don't know who we are anymore and swear up and down we love our kids with every fiber of our being yet still resist the urge to box 'em up and ship them off to a foreign country and then we go home, glance around our messy homes (because the menfolk never do housecleaning when they're watching TV, uh, I mean, watching the kids), sigh deeply, fall into bed and pray for spring to get here stat.

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    1. If you ever decide to move, might I suggest not to Wisconsin. Pick someplace WARMER...

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    2. OMG- you hit the nail ON THE HEAD with your comment. Especially about the watching TV part. THe last couple of times that I have gone out with girlfriends, every one was charged up- rammy even, and so in need of being OUT of the house.

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  8. Channing Tatum? Meh. I just don't get it. And I'm still mad at him for the upcoming ruination of my beloved 21 Jump Street. He couldn't hold Johnny Depp's G-string.

    I feel you on the winter doldrums. I'm still waiting to cash in my "week away" that the hubs promised me. I'm thinking it's probably lovely in CO & OR in the spring, yes? :D

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    1. Also, I just got a HILAROUS card with a one-eyed man, an equally hilarious magnet AND a giant bar of chocolate which I will hide because the Things just woke up from their nap. THANK YOU!!! xoxoxo

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    2. You're welcome!!! Happy Birthday!

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  9. Your posts make me glad I don't have children. That said, maybe I will buy Thing 2 if you decide to sell him. Your kids are cute!

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  10. Let me just say I am SUPER jealous because I haven't been out of the house, other than for work or groceries or other such drudgery, in I don't even know how long. But I had to laugh because seriously? When Curtis and I go out alone we ALWAYS end up at Target (or someplace comparable). And when I do go out, #1) I can only dream of drinking things that taste like adultishness (because, you know, pregnant), and #2) it's almost more of a hassle then it's worth, because of the exact reasons that Phoenix Rising outlined in her comment above. The house is a mess, the kids are running amok, and Curtis is all, "But nobody's bleeding!"

    *sigh*

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    1. Join a book club so you have a guaranteed night our once a month. That's what I did. Oh, and I like to read. That too.

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  11. 'Well let me just pull over and you can get out'--that's hilarious.

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    1. Comments like that are totally why I keep him around (and I kind of adore him and junk...)

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  12. Your get out of jail free cards is causing a soul-burning jealousy. We are on our last molar (Thank you Baby Jesus!) and it is a doozy... I feel like he's been constantly teething since he was three months old. Oh, wait. He has. He's a horrible teether. I blame his father, since even though he's a big bad soldier, just wait until he gets a hangnail.

    There's a huge "you will never be in a high enough tax bracket to live here" neighborhood not far from our house, and my first thought is always about cleaning! And then I laugh, because you know there's a STAFF in that house. Like on Maid To Order with Ally Sheedy? Man, I love that movie.

    ps - what are y'all reading for book club? I need something new, I'm about done with what I'm working on.

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    1. Thing 1 was a stoic teether, Thing 2? notsomuch. Ugh. I find it helpful to blame the father too.

      We just finished reading: BossyPants by Tina Fey, The Hunger Games and One For the Money. We do read a bit of everything. It looks like we will be tackling a philosophical piece by a local author next "More and More unto the Perfect Day" by Ray Harvey. I have a feeling we will actually have to think about this one! (his website is www.journalpulp.com)

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  13. I am personally wishing Blogland had a "like" button all its own, cause there's a whole lot of awesome going on here!!!

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    1. Ha! I've often thought the same thing. :) Thanks for liking my disfunction!

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  14. Caitlyn is also going though the almost-two-asshole-time. And she also thoroughly enjoys smacking her head into things when she doesn't get her way. Little jerks.

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    1. Good to know that I am not alone!!! But, I'm sorry. Really. I am.

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  15. Oh I forgot!! My grandma once told a story of how my aunt would knock her own head on the floor, one of those times Grandma reached down and spanked her ass just as she was headed for the floor. She was only doing it as hard that it wasnt hurting herself. That time she hit hard and thought she did it herself LMAO never did it again cause it did hurt!! Buwahahaha Go Granny Go!

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  16. My friend Tara from http://www.dothesekidsmakemelookcrazy.com/ recommended your site to me because she said you would make me laugh and we have similar takes on things, and boy was she was right! Love this! Laughed out loud multiple times, so thank you! :)
    Ashley
    http://www.thedoseofreality.com/2011/05/26/cleanliness-is-next-to-craziness/

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    1. Welcome to the party!!! Tara rocks.

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  17. A house in my parents' neighborhood is huge and has an all window front. All I can think is "Who washes all those windows?" Then I realize the answer is "Someone they pay."

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