Monday, February 20, 2012

Happiness, Shame and Relief: AKA. My Weekend.

My weekend was a (fairly standard for me) mixture of emotions, ranging from: excitement to disappointment,  joy to heartfelt empathy, and shame to relief.

To start, we had some friends up on Friday night and we prettied ourselves up for a night on the town. I buffed my entire body with the homemade pumpkin sugar scrub that Sarah thoughtfully made for me at Christmas until I my pasty white/borderline mint green skin glowed like it was radioactive. Then I thoughtfully called her and begged her to do my hair. I was putting in some effort, yo. We traveled to the swanky basement jazz bar that we recently discovered in Old Town. Immediately upon arrival, the guys dropped my girlfriends and I near the entrance and we were cat-called not once, but twice within the 100 yards that we walked to the unmarked door. (I'm pretty sure the dudes were checking out the 20 some year old HOT ladies that I was with, but for now, let me live in my fantasy bubble.)

The music, the people and the conversation was lively. The lights were low, as to mask any of our physical flaws and the our smiles sparkled in the flickering candlelight. The bartender there makes hands down the best martinis that I have ever tasted, so the drinks were enjoyed by all in a mostly responsible fashion. All of the stars were perfectly aligned. Then, after my second (bottomless) martini, I was introduced to a man*.

He strongly resembled a famous person in both face and hair, but mostly the hair....this person, to be precise:



Seriously.... the hair. Why?

But, since I felt that calling my new friend Mr. Lovett was too obvious and obvious just isn't my style (yeah right), I chose the classic 80's route and went with smoothly referring to him as this:


....because I'm a asshat and I drank my filter away somewhere during the second martini.

Did I mention that I had just met this man?

Somehow, after I so suavely publicly mocked his hairstyle, the conversation progressed to the next natural stage, which was me giving him a fist bump.  He seemed to be a willing participant. But that is not all, no... when we disengaged out fists, I made mine into a bird (like a seagull, perhaps?) and made it fly away while making some sort of loud bird squawking noises.

Naturally, everyone, including myself, laughed, but I immediately felt that familiar feeling of shame wash over me. I weakly apologized to him. I'm still not sure if I was saying "I'm sorry for my unladylike behavior", or "I'm sorry about your hair". I think I expected Flock O' Gulls to leave, but he hovered over us instead. Then, because he apparently likes to hang around women that act like dicks, Flock of Seagulls guy joined us for dancing and I could no longer look him in the eyes; the eyes that were so near the ridiculous grey curly long in the front, short in the back hair. Seriously dude, What? The? Fuck?

Then some other stuff happened that was totally exciting but I'm not telling because my parents don't need to, nor do they want to know that much about me. Then, I was severely disappointed when, after returning home and going to bed at 2am, that my precious Things decided that the wake up call for Saturday was 6am sharp. Did I mention that I didn't sleep well, either? Gah.

Later that same day, I got some rare Mommy/Son time with Thing 1. We went to a birthday party. At the Mall. In the indoor play area. If that environment doesn't send a parent running simultaneously for the Xanax and antibacterial cleansing gel, I don't know what does. Did I mention that I had only 4 hours of very broken sleep and perhaps the weensiest little hangover? Then I got some more Mommy/Son time yesterday with Thing 1 when I drove him down to the Denver Zoo to meet up with my childhood bestie, her husband and their son. It was great. Cold, but great. We did intercept a potentially sticky situation (pardon my choice of words) when looking at the bighorn sheep. The ram found a ewe beguiling and was 'getting into position' when I had to use the point and yell technique..... "Hey guys! Look at the COUGAR!" It was a real cougar, not some woman that resembled me on Friday night.

And finally, after a weekend of Brock working (BOTH DAYS), the RELIEF came. I was cleaning up the kitchen as he was tucking the Things into bed and a small measuring cup fell down the drain.
The drain the contains the garbage disposal.
And I took a deep breath and stuck my hand all the way into the flesh eating, bone crunching trap, and I retrieved the cup AND TO MY RELIEF the disposal did not suddenly turn itself on and devour my hand.

How was your weekend?

*Any similarities to actual people are purely intentional.

29 comments:

  1. The cup would have lived there in my house. At least until my husband could rescue it.

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    1. See? I knew you guys would undderstand. Brock totally did not get that part of this post. In fact, he advised that I change the ending. :)

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  2. good on you for being able to reach into your disposal... I wouldn't have been able to do it.... I'm glad it didn't devour your hand. Those are the jobs that I get the bf to do for me cuz I'm way too paranoid. I think I've seen too many horror movies.

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  3. I couldn't have retrieved the cup either, mostly because when our old disposal quit working I replaced it with a tank of live pirahnas. There's no turning those little dudes off. Besides, they would have eaten the cup before I could have retrieved it anyway.

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  4. My weekend was extraordinary because I got to talk to you! SQUEE!!! xoxo

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    1. I'm so glad that we got to talk! I just wish it wouldn't have been directly after the mall play area. My brain kept shortcircuiting!

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  5. I can only dream of a garbage disposal. >sigh<

    My weekend was one long blur with not enough sleep and I'm slogging my way through Monday, trying not to snap at anyone in my sleep-deprived (=cranky)state!

    Sad that having fun so often means having to cope later, i'n'it?

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    1. Maybe you could look into the live piranhas like the Mayor up there has!
      And I so fully understand that sleep deprivation affects ones mood. Oh yes, I do.

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  6. Those wild weekends out are usually fun, but more often than not a little embarrassing. Sounds like you enjoyed it.

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    1. I was really only very mildly embarrassed that I did that to the poorly coiffed man. I was more embarrassed for him and his styling choices. I did enjoy it though!

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  7. I have to admit I do the same "omg, is this going to turn on by itself" thing with the disposal, too. Where the hell does that come from? Too may scary movies.

    Your weekend sounds AWESOME, and I hope to have one like it soon. At least the Friday night part. Then I'd like it to continue to Saturday and Sunday when I spend the weekend in a hotel by myself ordering room service and watching movies.

    It's a fantasy.

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    1. It is so good to know that so many others share my irrational fear of the disposal!
      I like your version of the Sat/Sun!

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  8. There is no way in hell I would have stuck my hand down that disposal! That being said, I totally would fist bump/sail away with Mr. Lovett. Which probably explains a long ago time when my (exasperated) friend told me, "My God! They're trying to FLIRT WITH YOU! And you wonder why you're single." booyah!!

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    1. Ha! I don't do well with flirting either. It confuses me.

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  9. Your weekend was awesome. I love acting like an ass with/towards bartenders.

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    1. The dude was not the bartender- the bartender was refilling my drink! I would not mock that!

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  10. You are a wild woman. Hand down the disposal? To retrieve a measuring cup? Doesn't Brock realize that you need a MEDAL for that?? Jeesh.

    Did I miss the dress give away pick?

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    1. Brock SO did not understand! Whatev!

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  11. NNNGEHHHH! My disposal, I'm certain, is a portal to hell! I'm not sure what kind of crap resides in there, even though I clean it religiously - but I'll be damned if I'm putting anything near the mouth of that thing that I want back. Actually, I think the Kraken probably is in there, just waiting to grab a finger and chomp. Wait, will that send me to Davy Jones' locker? And will Johnny Depp be there when I get there? This needs more thought...

    This weekend I finished my first 5K and bought exercise equipment. I must have a ridiculously high fever, because I've already used said equipment and am looking for my next 5K.

    ps - You should have gotten Lyle Lovett's autograph! Or asked him if he had a spare one of Julia Roberts'...

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    1. Congrats on the 5k! I saw that on your blog! So awesome. Exercise is addictive. I need to go get some now....

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  12. I think garbage disposals are adorable!

    ...stop it, I think that they are satan machines. I got here from Oh Noa's blog and I am very glad I did :)

    please check out my cartoons at www.candyforbfast.com

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    1. "satan machines"- I like that! I will check out your shiz! Welcome!

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    2. Thanks Johi. I hope you enjoy it. Im already sweating about it.

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  13. My weekend was three days long, thanks to all the dead presidents. It was long and boring and ended with grocery shopping. :-P But I won a dress on Friday and that made the whole weekend awesome!

    I too have the fear of my disposal just coming on while retreiving things, I refuse to put my hand into it unless there is no one within 50 yards of the kitchen.

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    1. Sometimes you just have to win stuff! Congrats again.

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  14. This is my first time reading your blog. Love it! Especially where you refer to your kids as Things

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