Tuesday, February 28, 2012

And Now I Turn to You Wonderful People.

Most of you know that I have been drooling over the thought of paying my bills AND having a little left over for savings going to BlogHer in August. It is in New York City. I've never been to New York, and the only town I've visited that ended in "City" started with "Iowa" or "Kansas". Me thinks it is time to branch out and kick up my cowgirl boot heels (even if I couldn't buy those $500 ones because I was too busy spending money on new curtains for my yacht) in New York. PLUS! I would get to personally hang with Noa, Elizabeth, Jen and Misty.... and probably some other people that I am forgetting to mention because I am full on in my winter fog now and am basically drooling on myself! Winter is so awesome! No, it isn't! But I digress.

Can you IMAGINE what kind of posts could come from the five of us, and maybe more Funny Bitches, tearing up New York City? I can, and they will be brilliant. I see it going down as a live action "Bridesmaids". I want to play Melissa McCarthy's role and say things like "Can you feel the steam from my undercarriage?" while waving my hand in front of my lady garden. Yep, it must happen and be documented. I will need a video camera....

Oh, and of course I want to absorb all the worldly knowledge of BlogHer so that I can better serve my loyal readers with my new found knowledge of grammar.... and punctuation. !!!!!!?!?!?

So, my reason for talking about this is because Jen keeps telling me to allow my loving and generous readers to fund the trip by asking for donations. Although I have actually walked by something that I desire to own (usually expensive boots or a vehicle from the last decade) and proclaimed "I need a sponsor!", I am seriously uncomfortable taking something from people and giving them nothing in return, because, as everyone knows, I'm a giver~ which is why I give you all of this enormous wisdom that pours out of my brain, not unlike uncontrollable diarrhea, on a bi-weekly basis.

So, here is my pathetic stay-at-home-and-work-all-the-time-but-make-no-money-mom plea:
I opened a Zazzle store where I will be selling CornFedGirl products. My store is called "CornFedGirl". All proceeds will go towards one of the following options: BlogHer, Boots and maybe ponies. In that order.

So far I made this for the ladies:

You can purchase it for yourself and your loved ones by clicking on this link to my Zazzle Shop:

http://www.zazzle.com/peace_love_and_unicorns_shirt-235009607019800369?rf=238804887374158037

Not wanting to leave out anyone, I made this on a men's shirt:


Click here and buy as many as you can!

I will also be selling mugs and cards. Something will feature the violently green leisure suit. I promise. Give me time.

Here is one example of a mug that I am selling:


I can also provide the same mug with symbols in place of the FUCK part. You know, for those of you who love this but also taught your children to read.





Because I am nothing if not overzealous , I have also reopened my Independent Mary Kay business. If you have a burning desire to call me "your dealer", I will gladly provide you and your entire family with the excellent skin care and make up that I have been using since my inspiring and not at all humiliating teen years.






My freshman yearbook picture.
I think it is pretty obvious that I am the Awesomesauce.


Currently, with the help of 25 years of using Mary Kay, a lot less hairspray and the use of copious amounts of white light, I look like THIS:

Not one wrinkle in sight! Haha!


To look like me, simply shop at www.marykay.com/jkokjohn or email me at jkokjohn@marykay.com with your order and payment information. Right now I am accepting checks, cash, and credit cards. I will most likely also honor $500 cowboy boots and airplane tickets to NYC in August. All proceeds will go to BlogHer, Boots, Ponies and Groceries. In that order.

I would like to say thank you to all of you who personally support any and all of my independent business opportunities! God Bless all of you and your babies, too.

Peace, Love and Unicorns,
The Corn Fed Girl
CEO of my own destiny click here
* excuse me, I think I made myself vomit a little*

24 comments:

  1. I say . . . whatever gets your ass to NYC and bunking with me . . . DO IT!! Come on, peeps. Send Johi to BlogHer! This is vitally important. It must happen. Oh, the shenanigans that will occur. It will be EPIC!

    And I just so happen to USE Mary Kay. Guess what, girl. You just got yourself a new customer. Holla! For some reason, though, I don't think that a once a month order of lotion is really gonna get you there, so you're gonna need a few more sponsors, methinks.

    I need me a violently green leisure suit on something. Maybe magnets? Do it!!

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    1. yeah! What Misty said! Don't everyone jump at once.... I set up (and PAID for) the website and credit card shiz just for you people- to enhance your shopping experience. Cuz I'm awesome like that.
      I'll try to upload some artwork on a magnet just for you Misty.

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  2. Oh GOD, Johi - I NEED that mug!!! NEEEEEEEEEEEED it!!! Also, I haven't used MK in a while, so I need to peruse. I won't be going to BlogHer, so I will support the shenanigans, as long as I am the recipient of several drunk texts. Deal?

    PS - I'm super jealous of the slumber party that will occur. Text me, motherfuckers.

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    1. I think everyone NEEDS that mug. I estimate that if I sell roughly 765 of those mugs, my trip will be taken care of. No problem!
      MK has a bunch of new products. My personal favorites are the Night Solution, the Microderm Abrasion and the Ultimate Mascara- although I use and like the entire line. Actually, I recently ran out of the above mentioned products and my skin started looking like a trucker's ass. It was not good, hence starting the business again.

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  3. I might be way behind but I'm not sure I know what zazzle is. I think I need to. I'm so jealous of your trip.

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    1. I have to SELL a lot before I can afford said trip! Zazzle is an online store where you can customize your own products. I'm very new to it as well.

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  4. I know the mug is funny and enjoyable to prob most of your readers - but for someone from India it is extremely offensive.

    I'm trying to find the equivalent in English just so you can see what I mean - but I'm not that good with language.

    Really saddens me sometimes to see things from here so terribly misused - even though it's usually not malicious and is just done out of ignorance. Unfortunately it's becoming more and more common.

    Love the rest of your stuff though - good luck!

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    1. I apologize if I offended you out of my ignorance regarding the Indian language and culture. Most humor usually offends someone. I have a plethora of Blonde and hick jokes to prove it.

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    2. Just out of curiosity, why is it offensive? I don't know much about the Indian culture either but I'd like to learn. :)

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  5. Yeah, I'm gonna need that mug. Luckily, I don't plan on teaching my kid to read.

    I didn't know it was in NYC this year- I live right across the river! I want to meet all you bitches!

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  6. Your skin just glows! Like, in an ethereal way!

    In my opinion, you should be getting paid for the brilliance that you post here. It's the people with actual talent who always feel the most guilty about profiting from their gift. Oddly enough, the ones who make t-shirts like "Your Mom" and "Your Mom in My Bed"seem to have no problem with it...

    Go outside and get the freshness? Brilliant!-

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. I can't take credit for "get the freshness". That came from my friend's husband. I know that they would want me to profit from his humor though, especially if it means that I can buy plane tickets to visit them in Montana.

      I can't believe that no one has told me that they spit coffee onto their screen because of my 9th grade picture up there. Seriously. Now THAT is comedy.

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  7. Oh. Em. Gee. So much majesty. We will get you to BlogHer! We WILL make it happen! Ooh, and I have dibs on being Rose Byrne 'cuz I'm all klassy and shit.

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  8. I just registered for BlogHer yesterday, so I hope you make it there! I'm off to visit your store!

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    1. Woot woot! I hope to meet you there!!!!!

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  9. So I get on here, admittedly after a long time away, and I discover that Ms. Wag the Dad has had to go out whorin' herself just in order to get to see NYC for the first time. So I bought a mug. Hope that buys you a Cosmopolitan at least. I would be attending BlogHer as well, were it not discriminatory toward people with penises.

    Maybe I should start an Occupy thingy....hmmmm

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    1. Oooh, this reminds me......Johi-you should do a Ms. Wag the Dad mug or shirt WITH your pic in the suit. That's what your store needs!!!

      And Wag....why don't you help a sister out and sponsor your beauty queen for her trip to blogher! I'm sure she would agree to wear your shirt while there. It would be like FREE PUBLICITY for you! Win win.

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    2. Thank you Wag- you were my first customer! xxoo
      I would like to add that I am very good with make up and don't mind sharing my dresses. I know that I could get you into BlogHer. What size shoe do you wear?

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    3. Misty- I'll do that. Just for you. But it will have to wait until next week. I have BIG things going on this weekend.

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  10. You're fabulously beautiful! If I didn't already have a Mary Kay consultant, I'd totally buy from you!

    (and not to chime in for Bozo, but my understanding is that "namaste" is more than a greeting, but an acknowledgement of the beauty/light/spirit within each person. Knowing how you use M-Fers, you could be acknowledging the beauty in all of us! But it probably doesn't come across that way in the inter-cultural divide.)

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    1. Some people get me (like you), others don't. It's all good.

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  11. Wait, where's the mug? I saw this this morning and then realized that there is NO WAY I can survive without "Namaste Motherfuckers" greeting me when I wake up in the morning, but when I went back it was gone. !!!

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